Authors: Kyra Lennon
“Thank you, Joey.”
He squeezed my hand again as the cab pulled up outside the hotel. After paying the driver, Joey and I climbed out, and my stomach churned. What if Jason wasn’t there? What if he’d disappeared; how would I find him when I had no idea where anything was, or what kind of places he might be? It could be as simple as checking nearby coffee shops, or as complicated as finding somewhere totally obscure, because he really didn’t want to be found yet.
As we entered the lobby, a woman of around sixty gasped when she spotted Joey, and she ran towards him, enveloping him into a hug, and leaving the woman at the reception desk looking a little perplexed since she’d obviously been checking her in. Joey collapsed into her arms. That was all it took for him to break down, and my eyes welled up – no matter how old a man gets, he always need his mum.
I gently rested a hand on his shoulder and jerked my head towards the lift to let him know I’d be okay to look for Jason on my own. He nodded, and I left them alone.
The slow rise to the fourth floor seemed like an eternity as my heart thudded harder, hoping and praying Jason would be in his room. In his room, and okay. My feet picked up pace and I ran along the corridor, and when I reached number four-forty-three, I knocked on the door.
“Jase? Jase, are you in there?”
I took in a long, deep breath and waited. Only a few seconds passed before he opened the door and pulled me inside, pressing me to him. Relief made my limbs weaken, and I melted against him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he buried his hand in my hair. “I’m sorry.”
I breathed him in, like I’d been away from him for years instead of an hour, and held onto him in a way that let him know I wouldn’t let go. “What for? You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“I shouldn’t have left you there.”
“It doesn’t matter. I didn’t stay. I yelled at Ellie then left. I sat in the canteen and waited for you.”
Jason placed his hands on my cheeks and gently moved me back a little so he could look in my eyes. “I’m sorry about that too. I know I was supposed to call, but-”
I shook my head to cut him off. “It’s fine. As long as you’re okay.”
“I’m okay.”
He gently pressed his lips to mine, and we went to sit on his bed. I kicked off my shoes before we snuggled up the way we had earlier.
“Nobody has called me since I left the waiting room,” I said as I rested my head on Jason’s chest and he curled his arm around me. “But Joey came back to the hotel with me. When we arrived, his mum had just got here.”
“That’s good. He needs some time away from the hospital. I’ll call Dad in a while and see how things are, but I’m not ready to go back yet.”
“Me neither. I just want to be here with you.”
The two of us sat in silence for a while, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I was jetlagged as hell, and it was getting close to what should be bed time according to my body clock, but my mind was still racing too much for me to fully relax enough to sleep. There was too much tension, and too much to worry about.
Jason’s hand slipped into my hair, gently curling the ends around his fingers, releasing them, and starting again. I shuffled a little higher up the bed so I could touch his lips with mine, and he moved his hand to my cheek then slowly down my neck to my shoulder, leaving a trail of tingles in its wake. After the events of the last twenty-four hours, and the last few weeks, being back in Jason’s arms was pure heaven. Nobody else mattered in that moment. Jason’s eyes stared deep into mine. Without words, I tried to convey everything I felt, everything I wanted. What the hell was I waiting for? In seconds, lives had been lost and lives had been changed. I was sitting with the man I’d loved for years but I could just as easily have been sitting in the hospital beside Ellie, waiting to find out if he’d pull through, or worse. I could have never got the chance to see him again.
“Luce,” he whispered, his fingers moving into my hair again as his eyes darkened a little. “It’s too soon.”
“Why?” I asked, my voice soft. “Why is it too soon?”
“You know why. And I promised you we would take this slowly.”
“We’ve been sensible, Jase. So far, we’ve done what was right, even when it wasn’t what we wanted. Everything we’ve done has been to make everyone else happy. What about us? What about what we want?”
Jason’s hand slipped around to the back of my neck. “We’ve got time, Lucy. We don’t need to rush this. I made a promise to you, and I’ve broken so many promises. I don’t want to break my promise to you.”
“What if I want you to? What if I want that, you, more than I want you to honour your promise?”
My heart began to pound in my chest because I knew why he was struggling. I knew I was putting him in a difficult position because for the first time, maybe in his whole life, he was willing to stand up for something. For me.
“What if you regret it, Luce? What if you think you’re sure right now, but later, you regret it, and you resent me for not doing what I said I would?”
The worry in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. How could I regret being with someone who was willing to put my feelings first?
I pressed my lips against his again. “Never going to happen. But if you… if you really want to wait, if you don’t-”
“Lucy. I want you. Don’t ever think I don’t. But this is a big deal for both of us, and especially for you. I’ve been a selfish prick my whole life. If we’re going to be together, and stay together, I don’t want to be that way with you.”
“All I need from you is honesty, Jase. And you’ve given me that every step of the way. I’ve never felt as close to any guy as I feel to you. I’ve never wanted anyone as much I want you.”
Jason closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a slow breath. “I’ve never been with anyone I’ve cared about as much as I care about you. And I know I sound like a total pussy right now, but fuck it, you want honesty?” He pressed his lips against mine again. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and crazy and unexpected as it is, I’m not letting go of this. I’m not letting go of you.”
I let his words wash over me, let them seep into me, where I could hold them and replay them over and over. I’d never been more certain of anything in my life, and as he kissed me again, his hand trailing down my arm to my hip as his tongue slid into my mouth, I knew this was what I’d been waiting for. This was the feeling I’d wanted, and Jason was the person I’d take the next step with. My stomach erupted with butterflies, nerves and excitement mixing together as our eager hands undressed each other until we lay naked on the bed, Jason on top of me, his eyes fixed on mine. My body trembled; this was the most exposed and intimate I’d ever been but somehow, I was sure Jason felt the same way. This was new to both of us in very different ways.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “I’m okay.”
He smiled as his hand moved from my waist up to my breast, his fingers slowly circling my nipple. His eyes didn’t leave mine; it was like he wanted to watch every reaction and my body shook harder with the intensity. My hands ran down his back as his mouth lowered, his lips trailing down my neck, and I gasped as his mouth reached my breast and his tongue flicked over the nipple he’d just released. My back arched a little as his hand slid down my stomach, and I hooked my leg around his hip, pressing myself into him. The throb in my core made me let out a small whimper, made me push a little harder against him as the sensation of his lips on my breast and his hand moving lower set my whole body ablaze.
“Jase,” I murmured, digging my fingers into his back. “Please.”
I hadn’t expected it to be this way. To not just want him, but to need to feel him inside me, even though it was scary and my nerves made my body vibrate. He was taking his time, making sure I was relaxed and ready, but I didn’t want to wait. The expert way his lips moved across my skin was enough.
“One sec.”
Jason rolled away from me and a chill rushed over me, missing his body already. I tried to control my breathing, to steady myself, but my heart was beating so hard, I couldn’t. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he swiftly but carefully ensured we were both protected, and the size of him made my stomach jolt a little. As he rejoined me on the bed, lying beside me, I still had my gaze fixed on his length.
“Talk to me, Luce.”
I moved my eyes slowly upwards, taking in every bit of his lean but muscular chest, his tattoos, until I finally reached his eyes. He rested his hand on my hip and pulled me closer. “We don’t have to do this. We can stop right now if you want to.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to. I’m just… I…”
How to even finish that sentence? If I told him his size terrified me, he’d back off, and I didn’t want him to, not at all. Making myself brave, I placed my hand on the back of his neck and kissed him. The second his tongue found mine and he rolled on top of me, my muscles relaxed again and I adjusted my position, wrapping my legs around him.
“Are you ready?” he whispered, again looking deep into my eyes for true confirmation. When I nodded, he said, “I’m going to take it slow, but you have to tell me if you want me to stop, okay?”
I nodded again. “Okay.”
The trembling started again the second I felt him push against my opening. It was just the slightest nudge but I held my breath and everything tightened up. Jason ran his thumb across my cheek. “Relax. Breathe, Lucy. Just breathe.”
Closing my eyes, I took a second to focus only on my breathing, and when his fingers closed over my breast again, I slowly felt my body melt under his touch. I was still shaking, but this time when he started to push inside me, instead of letting the nerves take over, I reminded myself of the things he’d said. That he wanted me more than anyone else, and that he wouldn’t let me go. That he wanted this as much as I did, and… he was mine.
Jason Brooks was mine.
The sensation of him inside me was strange, but with each slow stroke, it became easier, less alien. I clung to him as he slightly picked up his pace, his eyes never leaving mine, making sure I was okay with every movement and something began to build inside me, something I’d never felt before. My eyes widened and my breath caught as Jason reached down with one hand and rubbed at the sensitive bundle of nerves that had started to tingle as he continued to push inside me. Before I even knew what was happening, a huge gasp burst out of me as I exploded beneath his fingers, triggering a flurry of pleasure to ripple through my entire body. I clung harder, pressing my hips into his and crying out as the waves continued to flow through me, and my blood threatened to ignite me. I was lost in my own pleasure when Jason shuddered on top of me, and he let out a cry of his own before collapsing on top of me, his hands in my hair as he kissed me hard.
For a few minutes, neither of us spoke. Our pounding hearts said everything we needed to say. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Couldn’t believe my first time had been so incredible.
“Lucy.” Jason looked up at me, his hand reaching for mine, our fingers entwining.
“That was... amazing.”
“
You’re
amazing. Perfect.”
My cheeks heated and I closed my eyes. “I’m sure I’m not perfect. I… well, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.”
He stroked my flaming face with his fingers. “There’s no rule book, Luce. You do what feels right, and everything you did felt fucking incredible.”
“I thought I might… I don’t know… I probably didn’t compare to some of the other women you’ve been with.”
“You’re right. But it’s not for the reasons you’re thinking. You mean so much more.”
The words
I love you
lurked on my lips, but I couldn’t let them out yet, however true it was. The way he’d taken care of me told me he felt it to; we didn’t
need
to use the words. The slow brush of his lips on mine was enough.
More than enough.
Chapter 14 – In Sickness and in Health
Jason and I walked towards the ICU waiting room hand in hand. My insides were a mess of emotions; so happy to have Jason, to have had the first time I’d always wanted, but so deeply worried about what we’d be greeted with by our families. Oh God, would they be able to tell? Would they be able to see something in my expression that told them their little girl wasn’t so innocent anymore? I glanced down at myself, trying to check my clothes were on straight – even though I’d showered and changed, maybe they’d still be able to spot something that told them the truth. From the corner of my eye, Jason gave a small smirk.
“Relax. You look exactly the same as you did a few hours ago.”
My face flushed and I bit my lip, trying to hide my own smile – because we shouldn’t have been smiling at all. Nothing about the situation we were in was funny, and as we entered the waiting room our smiles faded. Empty. All seats were vacant, and as a nurse speed walked through, I said, “Excuse me.”
The brunette nurse stopped and turned to us, then gave a warm smile. “You’re looking for your family, right?” I nodded. “Your mom said to tell you that they’ve gone to the hotel to check in and get some rest, and that she will call you in a few hours.”
“They all left?” Jason’s eyes narrowed. “Nobody is with Drew?”
The nurse shook her head, her eyes shining with sympathy. “Drew wanted some time alone after his diagnosis, so I suggested they go freshen up.”
I glanced up at Jason. “Maybe we should come back later. If he wants to be alone…”
“Let’s just check first,” Jason said. He turned his attention back to the nurse. “Please could you ask him if he’ll see us?”
She nodded. “Sure. Wait there, I’ll be right back.”
As she left, Jason said, “This will be a lot easier now I know I don’t have to worry about Ellie screaming at me.”
I wrapped my arms around him, pressing myself into him and letting out a small sigh of sheer joy as I remembered how we’d spent our afternoon.
This is actually happening.
His hands on my waist made me want to reach up and kiss him, but I had to keep my focus.
Drew. We had to see Drew.
“Jase… do you mind if I see Drew on my own? It’s just… I haven’t seen him at all yet, and I know you haven’t seen him since he woke up, but-”
Jason’s lips pressed gently against mine, silencing me. “I don’t mind at all.”
Before I could slip into another blissful trance, the nurse re-entered the waiting room with a smile. “Drew’s ready to see you.”
“Thank you,” I said, before turning to Jason again. “I’ll be back soon.”
He smiled, placing another kiss on my lips and I made my way to Drew’s room.
I tentatively opened the door, and Drew slowly turned his head towards me. Like Jason, he had cuts all over his face, but that wasn’t what made me gasp. It was as if someone had turned out the light in his eyes. They were lifeless, and even when he attempted a smile, the dullness remained. In that moment, everything else that had happened slipped away. None of it mattered anymore. I blinked back tears, and Drew said, “Don’t, Lucy. I’m counting on you to be the strong one.”
Right. I could do this. I could forget how potentially awful his situation might be. I could find the strength to stop myself falling apart for him. I had to.
I nodded and quickly wiped my eyes. “I can do that. It’s just… everything.”
“I know. But I’m pretty close to losing it and I’m counting on you to hold it off.”
When he attempted another smile, I slowly walked towards him, counting to ten in my head to distract myself from how serious this was. I kept my head high, and sat beside him on the bed.
“Where’s Jason?” he asked.
“He’s outside. I asked him if he’d mind me coming in on my own first. I needed to see you and…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “I feel like I need to apologise even though I don’t know what I’m apologising for.”
“You don’t need to apologise for anything.” He turned his head, looking straight ahead at the opposite wall, eyes still void of emotion.
“Drew.” I reached for his hand. “You don’t have to be strong the whole time. You don’t have to hold it together in front of me, or any of us. Everyone who’s here for you loves you, and if you need to-”
“Dad can’t handle it. And Ellie’s so close to breaking, I can’t put this on them. You and Jason have got your own things to deal with, and your mum, great as she is, shouldn’t have to deal with it either.”
I reached up and gently turned his face back to mine. “Drew, come on. You’ve spent your whole life being strong for everyone else. Don’t let this be something else that ends up eating away at you because it won’t do anyone any good.”
This was his thing. Suppressing his feelings until he exploded, and it never led to anything good. If the worst outcome happened, and he had to spend his life in a wheelchair, pushing down his feelings about that would kill him. It would kill Ellie, and it could kill their relationship. He’d gotten so much better at opening up, but even for someone who wasn’t emotionally stunted, it would be hard to handle this kind of news. For Drew, it was so much harder.
“Nobody’s here, Drew. Just me. Jason’s outside, but he said he’d wait.”
Silence echoed around the room, Drew just staring at me with his still vacant eyes. My hand was shaking in his, but I waited. I waited for what I knew was coming;
had
to come for Drew to begin to come to terms with the thing that had the potential to change his whole life.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed as I kept my eyes gentle on his, letting him know I was there for him whenever he was ready. Suddenly, his eyes closed, his body stiffened, his hand tightened around mine and he let out a huge, gut-wrenching growl of pain. He lowered his head, his entire body shaking with the sobs he’d held in, and I shuffled as close to him as I could, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him in to me. The strong man I knew crumpled before my eyes, cracking my heart into a million pieces.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “It’s okay.”
He curled his arms around me, and we sat, both of us sobbing, both of us lost in our own thoughts about what might be ahead. There was nothing I could say to him that would ease his fears or take away the pain of what he was going through. Not just about his own future, but the loss of Mack, and the reality that Razes Hell’s success was about to reach a screeching halt. It was at least twenty minutes before we calmed down enough to break apart and look at each other. I held onto his hand as he took in some deep breaths. His eyes appeared marginally less heavy and a touch brighter after letting go of all that he’d held in. He was far from okay, but the slight improvement gave me hope that he’d be able to get through this, as long as he didn’t start holding everything back again.
“Drew,” I said, gently. “Nobody has spoken to Jason and me for a few hours and… I just… we were sort of…”
“You want to know what my scan results showed.”
I nodded, trying to control the shakes vibrating my body.
“I have something called spinal stenosis. I don’t know exactly, but something dislodged in the crash and it’s crushing some of my nerve tissue. I’m having surgery tomorrow.”
“Okay. How… I mean… what…?”
“If the surgery goes well there’s every chance I’ll be absolutely fine,” Drew interrupted, understanding my stuttered words. “But… there are some huge risks with the surgery. When they tell you what’s going to happen, they also outline the risks. I might still have symptoms, and need more surgery in the future. Worst case scenario, I could end up permanently paralysed. Or it could kill me.”
My hand shot to my mouth. Death is a risk with any kind of surgery, but hearing Drew say it so openly shocked me. He rubbed his hand across his forehead before looking me in the eye again. “If I’m paralysed, Lucy, I might not just use the use of my legs. I could lose control of my bladder, and I could end up needing round the clock care. I don’t… I don’t want to live that way, and more than that, I don’t want that to be Ellie’s life. I don’t want her life to revolve around caring for me. I love her too much to make her do that.”
I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears again. “You wouldn’t be making her do anything. She loves you so much. She would give up everything she has for you.”
“But she shouldn’t have to.”
“What are you saying?”
He sighed. “I don’t know. I guess that we should forget about the wedding. Forget about everything. I should let her go.”
I stood up, shaking my head again. “You need to stop talking that way. First of all, this is entirely theoretical, and none of it matters because you are going to be okay. You’re going to get better, and you’re going to marry my sister like you promised to. If the worst happens, you’re still going to marry her, because she is never going to let you go. Do you understand that?”
I paced the room, my mind racing. How could he even think Ellie would want anything but him, regardless of what happened after the surgery? They might not have been married yet, but wasn’t that what vows were all about? In sickness and in health? They were planning to make that commitment, and I knew that if things were the other way around, he would never give up on her. As angry as I was with Ellie, I knew she, hell, neither of them, would ever be okay again without each other.
“I could die, Lucy,” Drew said, quietly. “I’m not saying this to be dramatic. This is fact. There are so many things that could go wrong.”
“I won’t accept that. That is not going to happen. You are not leaving Ellie. You’re not leaving any of us!”
“Lucy!” I stopped pacing and turned to him. He reached his hand out to me, and I stared at it for a moment before stepping forwards and placing my hand in his. “Look at me, Lucy.”
Slowly, I raised my head to meet his eye. I let my gaze travel across his bruised, scarred face then searched his eyes again to find the light I needed to see. The
fight
I needed to see. All I saw was fear and pain.
“Look, I’m not going to sit here and say my goodbyes. I’m confident enough that it won’t come to that, but at the same time, what happens if something
does
go wrong and I leave things unsaid?” He gave a hollow laugh. “I could probably write a pretty fucking good song right about now. But I’ve been sitting here thinking about Mack. His girlfriend was working an extra shift the night of the crash. That means he didn’t call her the day he died. He hadn’t talked to his parents for a few days, and he’d had some stupid argument with his brother that he hadn’t sorted out yet. And now he can’t fix it. Now there is a bunch of people he knew who missed out on hearing his voice telling them the things he needed to tell them. People who didn’t get a chance to remind him that they loved him.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat as his words sank in to my brain, my heart aching for Mack’s family, especially his brother who I knew he loved very much.
“I know where this conversation is going, Drew,” I whispered. “I’ll fix it, I promise.”
He shook his head. “Listen. Ellie was wrong. We were both wrong. I was so close to calling you and telling you to come back on the tour because Jason was missing you, although right now, I am so damn pleased I didn’t. Luce, this thing with you and Jason. Go with it. Do what you want to do. I’m sorry we weren’t more supportive. It made sense to us at the time to try to protect you, but right now, all I want to do is tell you to forget about what everyone is saying and just… be happy. Be with Jason and be happy.”
Tears fell down my cheeks, and instead of speaking, I sat back down on the bed and wrapped my arms around him, sobbing into his chest. Drew gently stroked my hair and I clung to him, relieved, scared, happy, heartbroken. So many things on my mind that I couldn’t begin to voice them. This man – my future brother-in-law – had always been one of the kindest men I knew. Sure, he looked intimidating with his ridiculous height and chunky build, but he really was a teddy bear. The idea of him not being around was unfathomable.
But he would be okay. He
would
.
The sound of the door opening made me sit up and wipe my eyes, and Jason peered around the door. He glanced from me to Drew then back again, his own eyes filling up a little at the scene he’d walked in on. Then he gave his trademark grin. “Making my girlfriend cry? You should be bloody ashamed of yourself. ”
Even Drew gave into a laugh as Jason entered the room, and I rose from the bed to allow him to sit beside his brother. I sat in the chair beside the bed. After a moment, Drew and Jason hugged each other, and I had to try hard to stop myself crying again.
“How are you feeling?” Jason asked as they let go of each other.
Drew blew out a breath. “I feel as okay as I can under the circumstances, I think. You?”
He shrugged then reached over to hold my hand, giving me a smile, the kind of smile I felt in every part of me. “You know me… I’m just taking everything a step at a time.”
“Have you been in touch with Alex?”
“Not yet. I don’t feel like I need to at the moment. I’ll call him if I need to. I feel a lot better now you’re awake, and now Lucy’s here.”
He squeezed my hand, and as he did so, the door opened again. Ellie stood in the doorway, her hair a huge tangle of curls, her face still ghostly white with shadows beneath her eyes. Jason let go of my hand and shuffled back a little, putting some distance between us. He sat up straighter, bracing himself for more harsh words. Ellie walked into the room and stood in front of me. She stared at me for a moment than grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet, crushing me against her.