Diana pushed herself back into the seat. “You changed; you had to. You weren’t Romeo any more; you had responsibilities. When there’s a kid, you can’t go out drinking and dancing all night, partying. You can’t go out at the drop of a hat.”
“It didn’t bother you.”
“Families come first. They’re not just there when you need them. You need to be there when they need you. It’s a hard lesson for some people to learn. You learned it younger than most.”
Jessie bowed her head. “So what have you gotten out of it?” she asked finally. “There’s got to be some reason you keep coming back.”
Diana shoved her hands into her jacket pockets.
Good question
. “Fantastic lover, a woman with character, who’s charming and sweet and intelligent, who knows who she is. Who is loyal and has a sense of responsibility. Why wouldn’t I want to keep company with someone like that?”
“And why don’t you want a relationship?”
Diana turned back to the window. In the gathering darkness and the parking lot lights she could see her own reflection and behind her, Jessie’s. “Because the one I love isn’t free to make a commitment, she’s bound to another.”
Jessie seemed to digest this for a few moments. “Does she know you love her?”
Diana didn’t turn around to look at her. “I don’t know.”
“Why not?”
“As long as she’s committed, I can’t honorably speak about how I feel. Until she tells me she’s free, I won’t say anything.”
“That’s not giving her a choice.”
“No, probably not, but that’s the way it is.”
The car was silent for several minutes as each woman mulled over their words, the feelings they expressed. “Then I guess I owe her a lot,” Jessie said finally.
“How so?”
“As long she’s unavailable, you’ll keep coming back to me.”
Diana closed her eyes, bit her lip. She hoped the darkness would hide her tears. “Yes,” she managed to say without her voice breaking.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” Jessie pressed. “If she were free and accepted you, you would be faithful to her, wouldn’t you? Tear up your little black book.”
“Of course.”
Jessie sighed. “She would be a lucky woman.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “Look, do you really want to eat? This place is really good, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t have any appetite. If you want to eat, we’ll go in, but otherwise…”
Diana pulled herself together. “No, let’s go back. I don’t feel like eating either.”
Jessie started up the car. “I’ll just drop you off at the hotel,” she started.
“Drop me off? Why? Aren’t you coming in? I thought we had the weekend?”
“I didn’t think that you’d want me to stay after all this.”
“Jessie, I’m always going to want you.”
Jessie paused at the edge of the parking lot. Even though the road was clear, she turned to look at Diana. “Why couldn’t we have found each other when we were free?”
Diana couldn’t answer, she turned away to look out the window again.
Once they were at the hotel, Diana wasn’t sure how much more she could take. She excused herself and closed herself in the bathroom. She turned the water on full blast and buried her face in the thick towels, wondering how she had even gotten into this mess and how she was ever going to get out. At length, she knew she was going to have to continue. She didn’t want Jessie to leave; it wasn’t white-hot sex she wanted now. She wanted to curl up with the woman she loved, feel her warm body next to hers, be able to reach out and touch her, be able to hear her breathing, be able to pretend at least for the night they belonged to each other.
She dried her tears, washed her face, splashed it with cold water, examined herself in the mirror. Jessie wouldn’t be fooled any, but maybe she would be able to coast by. She came out of the bathroom to find Jessie sitting on the bed. The woman had changed; now she was wearing a University of Kentucky T-shirt over those red hip huggers. “You okay?” Jessie asked.
Diana nodded.
“I took you at your word that you wanted me to stay. If you’ve changed your mind, tell me now.”
Diana shook her head. “No, I haven’t changed my mind.”
“Good. Now I need the bathroom.”
Diana changed into nightclothes feeling totally depressed. If she thought it would have done any good, she would have left, but a weekend with Jessie was scarce enough that she didn’t dare pass it up. There was no telling when it would come again. She put on music trying to cheer herself up but could only find country, which at least for the stations she was hitting seemed to focus on love gone wrong or lost love. She settled for the soft jazz that was soothing, just not cheering. She was looking out the window when Jessie came out of the bathroom.
Jessie came over and slid her arms around Diana. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. “Here I wanted this weekend to be totally physical and all I’ve done is pour cold water over everything. That wasn’t my intent, Diana. You know how much I enjoy you.”
Diana gave a small rueful smile.
Enjoy
, she thought. “I know.” She settled back into Jessie’s arms. “Maybe instead of coming back here, we should have gone out. Loud music, all that sexual energy on the dance floor. That might have helped.”
“It’s been ages since I’ve been to the bar, even before Dad died. Just didn’t seem any point.” She fell silent, and neither one of them moved.
Diana took a deep breath. She was going to have to do something, this could not go on like this. “I brought you something,” she said abruptly. She broke free of Jessie’s arms and went over to the desk.
“You did? It’s not my birthday, not Christmas.”
Diana opened the drawer and took out the wrapped present. “I don’t even know when your birthday is. It’s appalling what we don’t know about each other.” She handed it to Jessie. “I’ve got another one in there for Nicki, not quite the same but enough to match.”
Jessie looked at her strangely as she sat down on the bed. “You’ve never brought me anything before.”
“Oh, I saw this, could just see you wearing it with your blue jeans. Bought it before I could change my mind.”
She leaned against the dresser as Jessie unwrapped the gift, glancing at her and then back to the wrapped box that was obviously jewelry. “I don’t think that I’ve ever seen you wear jewelry so I tried to keep it simple, but I thought it’d be just right with your coloring.”
“You’re right, I don’t wear much.” She opened the velvet box to expose the spider web turquoise stone set in silver. “I love turquoise!” She picked up the silver chain, examining the silver bezel setting. “This is beautiful. Where did you get this?”
“I was out in Albuquerque a few months ago.”
Jessie jumped to her feet, dropped the necklace over her head. The fine silver chain was long enough that the stone dropped just to the hollow of her breasts. She examined herself in the mirror.
“I got Nicki just a single nugget on a leather thong. You were saying she was in the back-to-nature movement.” They both watched their reflections in the mirror.
“She will just love it. You are the sweetest person,” Jessie said. “I can’t remember the last time anyone bought me anything that wasn’t for Christmas or birthday or some gift-giving time.” She turned to Diana, turned Diana’s face to hers, smoothed back her hair. “That woman you love doesn’t know what she’s missing.”
“No, she doesn’t,” Diana said evenly.
“But I’m here,” Jessie whispered. She brushed Diana’s lips with her own. “Will I make a good substitute?”
“You’ll never be a substitute for anyone, Jessie.”
Jessie held Diana still as she kissed her, and Diana accepted her. Wanting, needing to feel her, Diana ran her hands up under the T-shirt. Warm flesh, she wanted her more than anything, not in the sense of hot sex, not in the sense of physical desire, but to have her and hold her, to love her for the sake of her own completeness. She pulled Jessie to her. “I want you,” and even to her own ears, her voice sounded strange. Jessie drew back and looked at her.
“I’m right here, babe.”
Diana shook her head, not sure of this feeling washing over her. She pulled Jessie’s hands down from her face, held her hands with interlaced fingers. She had never let her emotions go with Jessie, she had never been angry, never pushed. This weekend hadn’t been the relaxing, fun-filled time she had envisioned. Instead talks of deeper emotions thinned her self-control. Wanting her, not having her, that hadn’t helped. Instead of release, she had frustration. Instead of relaxed communication, there was nothing but missed cues and misunderstandings. Every bit of her logic told her to leave, this was foolish, this could be dangerous, wanting someone so much as to be predictable. And she couldn’t. She didn’t even try anymore. She wouldn’t until Jessie sent her away. But this in between thing was tearing her apart.
“I want you,” she repeated, and if there were dark overtones, Jessie seemed not to hear them.
“I’m yours for the taking,” Jessie whispered.
Diana shook her head. “You don’t understand,” she said in a low voice. “You don’t understand how much I want you.” Unconsciously she turned her hands, Jessie’s arms so the woman couldn’t pull away, couldn’t escape her. “I don’t want to please you, I want to claim you, I want to possess you. You have no idea how much.”
“No, but you’ll show me, won’t you?” If Jessie was afraid, she was hiding it and at the fringes of Diana’s awareness, she knew Jessie was unafraid, which was good, because she was. “I want to be wanted. I want you to show me how much you want me.” Jessie moved closer to her. “Show me, Diana. Show me what I mean to you.”
Diana shook her head. She wanted control over her, she wanted to dominate her. She wanted to demand so much of her that Jessie would be unable to think of anyone else, to remember anyone else. She wanted to be the only one in Jessie’s world. She could feel herself take on the persona where she could do that, take what she wanted, without concern for her lover. She had never done anything like that with Jessie before but her control was slipping quickly. “No. I want you so much I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”
“I won’t let you hurt me,” Jessie promised. Her voice dropped into that husky register that did things to Diana’s libido. “If you need my permission, I give you my permission. If you want my consent, I freely give it.”
Diana shivered and closed her eyes. Why did Jessie have to say that, as if she knew what gave Diana permission? She could feel Jessie’s body heat, could imagine her whimpering. All sorts of images came to mind, desires unleashed that she had never before brought with her when she saw Jessie.
“Let me be whatever you want me to be, Diana,” Jessie offered, her breath hot against Diana’s neck. “Take me, use me whatever way you want me. I want that. You’ve given me so much, I want to give you what you want. Just tell me.”
Diana groaned as she gave in to her desire. “Take off your shirt,” she ordered hoarsely as she let go of Jessie’s hands.
Jessie pulled the shirt up and over her head, her breasts brushed against Diana’s. She tossed the shirt onto the dresser behind Diana, her eyes on Diana, expectant.
“On your knees,” Diana ordered in a shaky voice.
Never breaking her gaze from Diana’s face, Jessie went to her knees in front of her, her arms at her sides, waiting. Diana looked down at the long leanness that was Jessie, her breasts with the dark upright nipples. What was the hold this woman had over her? What was her allure? Diana pulled off her shirt, she could feel her own arousal, she could see it reflected in Jessie’s dark eyes. Bedroom eyes. She shivered.
“Take down my pants.” Diana settled herself against the dresser, gripped the edges to hold on. She threw back her head, closed her eyes as she felt Jessie’s hands at her hips. Jessie’s fingers hooked the elastic, slid them down. The silky material glided over tortured flesh. Jessie’s hand was at her calf. She lifted Diana’s leg, held her foot by the instep, first one leg, then the other as she removed the panties, tossed them to one side. Jessie ran her hands up the outside of Diana’s legs before she dropped her hands and waited, her breath warm on Diana’s belly. Diana spread her legs, braced her ass against the cool wood. “Go down on me.”
Time hung still an eternity before Jessie moved. Diana waited, every nerve she had tingling in anticipation. She sucked in her breath when Jessie feather-touched inside her thighs, at the tantalizing brush of Jessie’s hair, the tentative feel of Jessie’s fingers as she parted her lips, and then Jessie’s warm mouth. She almost came undone and she thrust her hips forward. She threw back her head, a low sound escaped her throat as she felt her lover’s ministrations. She stood there, shaking, waves of pleasure spreading out along nerve pathways, totally lost in the sensations.
She drew a shaky breath, opened her eyes. She bent her head down to watch Jessie between her legs, watching her, feeling her as Jessie became more certain of what Diana wanted, less tentative in her desire to please. Diana closed her eyes and gripped the dresser tighter, concentrating on Jessie’s lips, Jessie’s tongue, Jessie’s fingers, Jessie’s arm wrapped around her hip, holding on to her, moving with her. Spasms shook her and she relished them, pleasure like a strong drink at one central spot and then spreading out all over her, all in her.
“Stop,” she ordered abruptly just before she came. She didn’t want to come. When she came, it would be all over, and she didn’t want it to be over. She wanted it to go on and on. She wanted to feel like this all night, maybe forever, this elusive spot of pleasure, of a high no drug could give, this bliss.
Jessie stopped immediately.
“Get on the bed, on your back, spread out.” She watched through half-closed eyes as Jessie got to her feet, moved over to the bed, crawled to the center and rolled over on her back. She repositioned herself to lie diagonally on the bed, pulled the pillow out and tossed it away, stretched out her arms and watched Diana’s face as she spread her legs, exposing herself, her dark pubic hairs peeking out around the red panties.
Diana watched her, still supporting herself on the dresser. She needed to get her breath, control her shakiness before she could continue. “You looked so good that first night,” she said finally. “Animal magnetism. Like watching a horse move, strong, graceful, controlled. Like a cat on the prowl, watching, searching for prey, stalking. You moved like you owned the place, like everyone was there for your enjoyment, your pleasure. Confidence oozed out of you, promises of pleasure, enjoyment, fulfillment surrounded you. And there was danger too, that element so tantalizing. Can’t catch me, corner me and I bite. Corner me and I slip away but not before I have you.” She shivered. “Watching you was like watching a nature film, so—so raw, natural, compelling.”