Jessie nodded. “I know.” She wouldn’t look up at Diana. “It just touches a lot of things and I haven’t really been able to talk about it.”
Diana immediately thought of any number of things a woman wouldn’t be able to talk about. Her little sister was really her daughter. She had an incestuous relationship with her father. Her mother didn’t die, she ran away with Jessie’s boyfriend. Her father was abusive and she was guarding her sister.
Stop it
, she told her galloping imagination.
You’ve been reading too many lurid novels, too many tabloids, watched too many soap operas. Stop and listen to her because if she talks, you really need to listen.
“I guess you would say I’m waiting.” She drank some of the wine, stared at the glass. Diana knelt beside the picnic basket and pulled out the plates, the crackers and cheese. She laid them out, set the plate close to Jessie and sat back down. She was interested in whatever could upset this calm, self-contained woman.
“For?” Diana finally ventured to ask.
“When I was in college,” Jessie finally said slowly. “I met someone.” She glanced up at Diana and Diana nodded, encouraging. “I mean, I knew about myself and I had fooled around some but I was waiting.”
“For the special someone,” Diana supplied when Jessie paused again.
“Yes,” and there was relief in her voice that Diana understood.
“And that was?”
“Julie.”
“Julie.” All right, Diana thought. Throw away all the soap opera ideas and think instead that Julie really did a number on you. “And Julie hurt you?”
“No.” Jessie looked up in quick denial. “Julie would never do that.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Wrong guess,” Diana apologized.
Well, that was a quick defense,
she thought, more curious now. “Tell me,” she commanded. “I mean, we’ve got the afternoon, don’t we? And you haven’t talked about Julie to anyone, have you?”
Jessie had this puzzled expression. “It doesn’t bother you that I would talk about another woman?”
Diana smiled. “Honey, you and I have this thing: when we’re here, we’re
here
. Otherwise, we have lives that don’t include each other. For whatever reason, that’s been working for us. You want to talk about Julie; what have I got to lose by listening?” She watched Jessie mull this over. She took a cracker and cheese, nibbled on it, as she let Jessie think. “I take it Julie’s no longer in your life?” she asked after what she thought was a sufficient amount of time.
Jessie shook her head. Clearly this was difficult for her.
Diana was curious now; at the same time, she was inviting confidences she had no intention of reciprocating. “Honey, if you don’t want to talk about this, it’s okay. We can have a marvelous picnic.”
“No,” Jessie said reluctantly. “It’s just, you’re right. I haven’t talked about Julie to anyone. And,” she looked up at Diana, still putting things together, “we do have this strange thing, don’t we? I feel more comfortable with you, and it’s because I know we can have a great time and then you’re gone. You’re not in the rest of my life. We have these great times in bed and that’s it.”
Most women want more, Diana thought as she sipped her wine. I know why it’s good for me. I wonder why it’s good for you.
“We met at a ballgame,” Jessie started slowly.
Diana lay down on her side, her head propped up on her arm. It was a familiar story, meeting at school, then running into her at the gay bar. They got to know each other and one thing led to another, they discovered over Christmas break they really missed each other and then the friendship went to a deeper level. Over spring break, they became intimate and it was glorious.
“Then finals week, I got a call from home,” Jessie said slowly. “Julie and I had been planning on spending the next week together before we went home. My finals were finished before hers and I was waiting. Mom called, said that Dad had a heart attack, a bad one. I needed to come home right away. I couldn’t get hold of Julie, left her a message but I was on the road within twenty minutes, max. I couldn’t get home fast enough.” She stopped there, took out one of the ham sandwiches.
“But your dad was all right, he made a recovery.”
Jessie handed off a sandwich to Diana. “Yes, but everything else went to hell in a handbasket.” There was strain on her face that warned Diana to be patient. “It was a bad one; he had to take an early retirement. He needed care and before he was up and around, Mom got sick. There was Nicki to take care of, Dad to take care of. Mom was going to doctors all the time, in and out of the hospital as they tried to find out what was wrong with her. She was getting sicker. I was taking care of everyone. It’s hard being a caretaker.” She looked up at Diana. “No one understands what it’s like unless they’ve been there.”
“It’s hard,” Diana agreed. “I’ve only been there part of the way, but enough to know it’s difficult.” There was a moment’s silence. “How old was Nicki?”
“She was eight.” Jessie smiled as she spoke of her sister; there was real affection there, not just duty and responsibility, Diana realized. “My folks got teased that they couldn’t stand the empty nest so Mom got pregnant when I hit high school. She thought she was going through menopause but she was pregnant instead.”
She sighed and continued. “I didn’t make it back to school. Mom got sicker, chemo, just went downhill so damn fast. Before we even had time to adjust, she was gone.”
“I’m so sorry.” Diana reached out for Jessie but Jessie didn’t see it.
“I never made it back to school. Dad still needed care; he couldn’t handle Nicki by himself. We were all shaken by the loss of Mom. I went from college student to full-time mother of Nicki, caretaker for Dad. When he recovered more, I was able to finish up my college credits here at UK.”
“What happened to Julie?”
“I tried, I really did. There just wasn’t enough time; there was so much that first year, Dad, Mom, Nicki. Julie was still in college, she had nothing but college. She couldn’t understand that my time wasn’t my own. I didn’t have time for her.”
“Shit!” Diana sat up. “You probably didn’t have time for
you
. Good God, woman.”
Jessie looked up at her as if confessing a grievous sin. “I abandoned her.”
“
Abandoned?
” Diana’s jaw dropped. “Good God, Jessie. You took on a lot at an age when most of us are just learning how to manage our own lives. You took on a kid, two sick parents. And you think you abandoned her? My God, I’m more inclined to think she abandoned you.”
“I loved her so much, she was so special.” Jessie’s eyes were filled with remorse and Diana realized she had never been able to grieve. Or let go.
“Honey.” Diana sat up, moved close to Jessie. “Surely she understood.”
Jessie shook her head, looking down into her lap.
“But you talked to her, explained how things were.”
“I tried, there just was never enough time. I couldn’t get away to spend any time with her. And once or twice when I did see her, I had to bring Nicki.”
“Did she come see you?”
Jessie shook her head.
Diana was quickly forming her own opinion of Julie and it wasn’t a positive one. She knew better than to say anything negative. “Honey, I’m so sorry it turned out so badly.”
“I felt like I didn’t have time to devote to anyone else.”
“And you’re still waiting for Julie,” Diana said with sudden realization.
“I guess so.”
“Ohhhh.” Well that explains a lot, Diana thought. “Honey, how long has it been since you’ve seen Julie?”
Jessie stopped to think. “Well, let’s see, Nicki was eight, maybe nine. She had just started the new school so I was having more time. That was, oh, maybe four years ago, maybe five.”
“Honey, that’s a long time to wait.”
Jessie shrugged in helplessness. “I still love her,” she said sorrowfully. “Every time I think I’m over her, something happens and it hurts all over again, like it happened yesterday.” She buried her face in her hands.
Diana moved close to put her arms around Jessie. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you’re still hurting.” Here she had thought her Romeo was so self-sufficient and instead she was a woman hiding a broken heart. It didn’t put her off that Jessie was crying on her shoulder; it only endeared her more.
“I didn’t want to abandon her,” Jessie protested. “Mom, Dad, they all needed me.”
“And you didn’t fail them,” Diana soothed. “Families are important, they need our loyalty, our love. I’m so sorry Julie didn’t understand that. That’s not a failing on your part; it’s a good trait, an admirable trait. And you can only do so much. Jessie, you did what you had to do.”
Jessie closed her eyes, took a deep breath.
Diana turned Jessie’s face up to her. “You showed strength and resiliency and responsibility when the majority of us are still trying to figure out what life is about. You took on responsibilities beyond your years. You’re a good person. I can never see you abandoning anyone when they need you. You’ve got character.”
Jessie flushed and looked away. “Now you’re just trying to flatter me.”
And now it’s time to let go
. Diana released Jessie. “No, just calling it the way I see it.” She sat back, watching Jessie gather herself together, put her shell back on. “I’m very flattered you let me see that part of you.”
“Well,” Jessie said casually as she poured another glass of wine. “As you said, you’re here today, gone tomorrow.”
“That does make it easier.” She decided it was time to change the subject, let Jessie out carefully. “Did your dad make a good recovery?”
“Yeah, he’s fine now. He took weight off and exercises more and has regular checkups but his last checkup was fine. And Nicki’s doing great in school.” She looked up at Diana with her usual cocky grin. “And I get around all right.”
“Oh, yes you do,” Diana agreed. She guessed the disclosures were finished for the day. “A terror to the community and unstable relationships.”
“Well, it’s gotten much better since you’ve been in the picture,” Jessie said. “You know, a nice distraction. All the insecure women breathe easier when they see you in town; we seem to have become somewhat of an item in certain circles.”
That’s not good
.
“Then there are those who think you’re just a cover; and some who even doubt your existence. They just know something has occupied me for the weekend.”
“Well, I’m so glad I can aid the insecure,” Diana drawled back. She met Jessie’s smiling eyes. “I can well imagine what Jessie on the prowl does for them.”
“I know,” Jessie breathed, moving in on Diana. “I’m terrifying.”
“A big pussy cat.”
“Tiger pussy cat.”
“Oh, is it safe to have felines on a horse farm?”
Jessie put Diana on her back, straddled her, looked down into her face. “The horses are safe,” she said in a husky voice. “Can’t speak for other life forms.”
Diana shivered, laughed as she looked up at her lover. “I’m terrified.” She watched Jessie lower herself to bring their lips together. Oh, what was it about this woman who could just touch her and do this to her? She lifted her head, exposing her throat, shivering as Jessie kissed down her neck. She wrapped around Jessie, with new appreciation for the woman behind this long lean body. “Oh, God, Jess.” She could feel this woman’s strength and tenderness, wanton sexuality and responsibility. She felt lips at her breast without realizing Jessie had unbuttoned her shirt, unsnapped her bra. Warm breezes wafted against flesh not usually exposed and she knew she was helpless, deliberately so, with forethought and with abandonment, in Jessie’s hands. And she knew she was safe there.
She thought of that again as she knelt between Jessie’s long legs. Safe wasn’t a feeling she was accustomed to having outside the family, but she felt safe with Jessie. She glanced up at Jessie’s lean naked body stretched out before her, Jessie moaning as Diana touched, sought out her center.
“Ohhh, baby,” Jessie moaned, reaching out to grip the blanket edges.
“You like that?” Diana found Jessie’s center, slid in through the wetness, used her thumb to caress her swollen clit. She shivered as she watched the tall woman writhe at her touch. She bent over to run her tongue right above Jessie’s hairline, held on to Jessie’s hips to hold her steady.
“Oh, God, you know what I like, baby.”
“Oh, I try.” Diana added her warm breath on wet tissues. “For you, I try real hard.” Jessie started to say something and then gasped as Diana spread Jessie’s lips, bent lower to use her tongue. Jessie moaned, a long low sound that resonated into Diana.
It was when they were saying goodbye after this weekend that Jessie had pulled a slip of paper from her visor, folded it and handed it to Diana. And that was when Diana was sure it was a two-way attraction.
Diana pulled into the parking lot just as it began to rain. She had wrapped up one delivery early, one eye on the clock, the other on the road. She wanted so much to make it early enough for a good evening. She checked into the hotel, called Margaret to let her know she was safe and sound. That had been one of the conditions for coming alone. “I’m fine, I’ll call you tomorrow. Promise.”
She took some deep breaths. She had never called Jessie before; it was almost unnerving. Maybe it would be better just to go to the bar and wait, but that meant it would be hours before she saw her. She was excited at the thought of seeing Jessie again. She was already anticipating their evening together as she looked around the room. She had taken the suite tonight, let the business pay this bill. After all it was business. The suite consisted of a small sitting area with the wet bar and a sleeping room. Would they go out to dinner? Order room service? Oh, what was the purpose of getting here early if she had to wait to go to the bar? She would call.
She dialed the number, amused at herself. She was shaking. The phone rang once, twice, three times, four, five, six.
“Galbreath!” came this bark into the phone.
“Jessie?” Diana didn’t recognize the harsh voice.
“Yes!” There was a lot of noise in the background, people talking, calling. “Who is this?”