Mastering Multiple Position Sex (41 page)

There’s a Reason Why Valentines are Heart-Shaped

When clients notice my gym bag in the office, they ask, “What are you training for?” The answers they expect are a marathon, a wedding, weight loss, a reunion, or “because my doctor told me I had to.” My honest response is: “To enjoy life outside of the gym,” and that, my friends, would include having a satisfying sex life.

Clients wanting to improve their own sex lives will ask, “Which gadget do you recommend for the bedroom?” I have two. The first sits on my kitchen counter: It’s my Vita-Mix blender for protein shakes and smoothies. The second one—which people assume is a Fleshlight or other sex toy—is almost any piece of cardiovascular equipment at the gym. Both of these keep me healthy and energetic throughout the day, partly because endurance exercise releases feel-good endorphins (and the shakes fuel me for exercise), but also because that kind of exercise can make us endurance athletes.

Cardiovascular health and sexual health are not-so-distant cousins; in fact, they are almost identical twins. For instance, men who experience erectile concerns should know that going soft in bed could be a sign of coronary disease, something that could land them in a soft hospital bed. The cholesterol that clogs your arteries prevents blood flow to the genitals and to the brain, and the cigarettes that constrict blood vessels and prevent healthy blood flow to your brain and lungs can thwart vasocongestion, the swelling responsible for genital engorgement in both sexes. So, if you are unhappy with your prodigious, pulsating penis, or with your vibrant, vermilion vagina, start smoking and you can rid yourself of those annoying attributes—and leave more opportunities for stupendous sex for the rest of us. But if you want to have or keep those vital organs vital, please live a smoke-free life—and that includes avoiding all environmental (secondary) tobacco smoke too. It is also essential for anyone diagnosed with human papilloma virus (HPV) to avoid nicotine at all costs, because it can increase the risk of reproductive cancers. If you want to put something in your mouth, make it your partner!

Cardiovascular stamina is linked to sexual stamina—the idea being that your heart and lungs won’t tire before your genitals do—and it contributes to overall health by boosting your immune system. So, with your doctor’s permission, hop on the treadmill before you think about hopping in bed.

Finally, while it improves heart health, combats stress, and fortifies your sexual stamina, cardiovascular exercise—combined with a nutritious diet and plenty of rest—helps you achieve lean body mass, and many people would agree that’s sexy.

Lean Body Mass and Flexibility

You should strive for lean body mass, not because it will improve your appearance, but because it will improve your health. Lean body mass and flexibility are two vital components of having awesome sex because they keep us healthy and allow us to perform in bed like members of Team Sex.

To determine how lean your body is, you must measure your body-fat percentage, using any of a variety of techniques from caliper testing to a full-body scan. Anecdotally, the most sexually content women I see have a body fat percentage between 14 and 24 percent, and the most sexually satisfied men in my practice tend to have a percentage between 12 and 17 percent. Though these numbers might seem arbitrary, it makes sense that at the fit-to-athletic range for body-fat percentage, you would find people who are sexually fit and sexually athletic. At that range, a person’s levels of energy, stamina, and testosterone are elevated, and the risk for cardiovascular disease, depression, and low libido drops.

Replacing some of your fat weight with muscle weight will provide a lifetime of benefits, and the changes in muscularity will also boost your metabolism, making it even easier to maintain your new sex-positive body. Finally, and as mentioned above, having a healthy lean body mass will help you maintain—and possibly increase—your testosterone levels.

Testosterone for Living Libido Loco

Hormones have such a profound influence on our sexual behaviors and sex drive that we need to know how to harness them in the amounts our bodies require at various stages of life. Testosterone, the “horny-mone,” is responsible for a portion of the sex drive in men and perhaps a soupçon—if at all—in women. It fluctuates throughout the day and peaks at different stages of life and for different reasons. Three key factors that regulate testosterone levels are biological sex—our chromosomes tell our bodies to make testosterone and then tell us what to do with it; our age; and the time of day. When considering the word
testicle
, it’s easy to suppose that men have more testosterone than women, and that would be true. Testosterone levels spike earlier in men’s lives (just after high school) than in women’s (after college and into their thirties). The same holds true over the course of the day: Morning levels of testosterone in men are high, while the evening levels are low. Women tend to follow the opposite trend: They show higher levels of testosterone toward the evening.

Testosterone deficiencies could result in a low libido in men, so for them it might be important to maintain testosterone levels appropriate to their age and physical needs. Only a blood test reviewed by a medical doctor can determine the available amount of testosterone, so it is important to see a physician if you think your sexual concerns might be due to a hormonal deficiency. But here’s the good news: Sex and masturbation can boost a man’s testosterone levels, making this a case of use it or lose it.

Use Your Mouth for Amazing Sex: Part Two

What stuns my clients more than a referral to an endocrinologist, a gynecologist, or even a personal trainer is when I pass them on to a registered dietician. Food can serve as the most powerful sex drug available, so I would rather recommend a little blueberry over a little blue pill any day. Food energizes us for sex, sweetens semen, keeps vaginas healthy, strengthens erections, augments our immune systems, makes our skin glow, brings a sparkle to our eyes, and heightens our libido—and not for the mythical reasons that Casanova ate oysters or that people consume phallic-shaped objects such as powdered animal horn (giving new meaning to the word
horniness
). Skip the so-called aphrodisiacs and fill up on a broad range of healthful, colorful foods that are as close to their original source (unprocessed) as possible and of the highest quality that you can afford. These—and lots of them—will provide you with an abundance of macro and micronutrients for sexual energy and keep you feeling your sexual best.

To boost my sexual energy throughout the day and to fall asleep at night, I prefer to eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. Also, because a hefty serving of carbohydrates tends to induce sleep, I start my morning high in protein and low in carbohydrates and end the day in reverse, making sure, however, to make carbohydrates and lean protein part of every meal.

Eating for heart, mind, body, and soul helps you have amazing times in and out of bed—and at a fraction of the cost of many prescriptions designed to treat or cure conditions caused by a poor diet. Moreover, good nutrition can help with another key element to having the best sex—having the best night’s sleep.

The Real Reason for a Bed

A bed serves two functions, and this book celebrates one of them; the other is sleep. Face it: Sex can take a lot out of you, and sleep can put much of it back. The time you spend in deep, soothing sleep will improve your love life by helping reduce stress and by giving you the strength and energy you need to function well while you’re awake—and that includes sex with your partner. Great sleep can enhance your creativity, both in and out of the bedroom. It also ramps up your immune system and helps you fight infection and illness. So if you’re convinced of the curative, strengthening powers of sleep, remember that sex—or sex-induced hormones—can help you fall asleep. Get your XXXs to get your ZZZs—and vice versa.

For those of you who are working on your sexual fitness, you gain an added benefit from a restful night’s sleep. During your deepest stages of sleep, your body produces the human growth hormone, HGH, which helps you repair and grow muscles long after you leave the gym. Yet another reason to work out: Time spent at the gym helps lull you off to sleep while contributing to your lean body mass.

To ensure that you get the greatest benefits from sleeping in your bed, reserve it for just two functions: sex and slumber. Find a different place to read, snack, watch TV, knit, argue, or surf the Internet, or every time you crawl into bed, you might find yourself automatically reaching for your laptop or wondering, “Why are we not firing up the hibachi grill like we did last week?” If you’re so inclined, you could go so far as to reserve the bed for sleep only, and enjoy every other surface in the house for your sexual escapades.

When It’s Time for Private Lessons

It’s great when you’re playing in tune and hitting every high note, but when you encounter a passage that doesn’t sound as it should or is difficult to play, then it’s time to seek help, usually in the form of private lessons. In the realm of sex, solutions to sticky problems can be found in sex education, counseling, and therapy.

Who are these people who provide this help? How are they trained? And what do they do?

In most states, anyone can hang out a shingle offering their services as a sex educator, sex counselor, sex therapist, sex coach, love coach, or even loveologist. For this reason, it is crucial to do your homework and research the education and training of any sexuality professional before hiring them. If they work in a licensed field, check that they have a license and how recently it was awarded or renewed.

“Sex can help you fall asleep. Get your XXXs to get your ZZZs—and vice versa.”

In the United States, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) operates as the most recognized credentialing organization for these groups of professionals. Their rigorous standards view professionals who seek their certification as unqualified until proven otherwise, and it is a lengthy process involving many reviewers. AASECT’s certified members follow a strict code of ethics that prohibits, among many things, touching clients in a sexual manner. By checking for AASECT certification, you can weed out possible fakes and phonies, but there is no litmus test for compassion and a warm, welcoming, sex-positive personality.

When seeking help from a professional, there are three certified titles that you are likely to encounter:

Sex Educators:
The educations and backgrounds of sex educators, who teach about sex, can vary from no formal training to a doctorate in education or another field. Sex education tends to follow one of two platforms: abstinence-only and comprehensive. Comprehensive sex education adopts a broader view of human sexuality, including contraception, healthy and healthful relationships, and a thorough understanding and appreciation for delaying sex. It is important to find a sex educator whose philosophy agrees with yours.

Sex educators are not sex counselors or sex therapists, but they should be versed in both fields and should be able to help their clients find the resources they need. If you or your partner lack sufficient knowledge about sex, a sex educator could be your best choice.

Sex Counselors
: These professionals fall somewhere between sex educators and therapists, and they provide their clients with sex education, skills, and advice. Most sex counselors hope to have a client in and off the appointment books as fast as possible, because it does the sexually active client no good to be out of the practice of great sex for any length of time.

Sex Therapists:
These people hold terminal degrees in counseling, social work, psychology, marriage and family therapy, or medicine and use their training in human sexuality and the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
(DSM IV) to make diagnoses and to treat them. Because these therapists work with concerns outside of sex and relationships, an individual or couple with non-sexuality-related concerns, such as obsessive compulsive disorder,
in addition to a sexual concern
would benefit from seeing a sex therapist.

There are other terms you will hear associated with sex experts. Though these titles should belong to people certified in one of the three categories above, they could belong to people who claim these titles because they lack a certification.

Sexologists:
These are people who should have completed graduate training in sex research at a nationally accredited university, but there are sexologists with degrees at every level from diploma mills or institutions that the United States Department of Education does not recognize through one of its regional accrediting agencies. It is similar to the title of personal trainer. Some personal trainers have a master’s degree in sports medicine, with or without being certified by a national organization, and some may have been certified by David’s Roadside Gym and Auto Upholstery.

Clinical and consulting sexologists may work in hospitals, medical offices, university health centers, or private practice—usually with one or more of the above certifications. Within certain fields of sex research, sexologists will take on a descriptive that highlights their specialties: literary sexologist, religious sexologist, educational sexologist, cinematic sexologist, etc. Perhaps somebody will lay claim to
culinary sexologist
or
musical sexologist
.

Sex Coaches
: These are people with or without academic training in human sexuality or the principles of coaching. Some sex coaches do body work, which might include massage or genital stimulation, but not intercourse.

Sex Surrogates
: These are women and men who may or may not engage in intercourse with a client as part of the client’s sex education. Because sex surrogates receive money for sessions that might involve sexual intercourse, governments might view them as commercial sex workers (CSWs). The difference between sex surrogates and CSWs lies in the background, training, and intent. Sex surrogates are interested and trained in assisting the client overcome a sexual obstacle (lack of confidence, stamina, ejaculatory or erectile concerns, preorgasmia, etc.), while CSWs engage clients in sexual relations for profit only.