Riot Girl (9 page)

When he got home that evening I surprised Daniel with his favourite meal: spaghetti with meatballs. I’d given Jacob his dinner early and had put him to bed, where he was happily watching TMNT on his TV.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” he smiled as I took his jacket from him and hung it up.

I poured us both a glass of wine as I served dinner up. Daniel looked bewildered; admittedly, this it was out of character for me to be the doting housewife lately. He usually came home to Jacob’s toys all over the living room floor and me guiltily offering to get take-out since I’d forgotten the time and hadn’t gotten dinner ready.

“Let’s do it,” I said, much to Daniel’s surprise. “Let’s get married. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long but let’s get married. As soon as possible.”

“I don’t know Indi, are you sure about this?” Daniel practically fell into the chair and gulped back his wine. I thought that he might be in shock or something.

“Yes. One hundred percent sure, let’s do it!” My inner cheerleader was doing a little victory dance while the riot girl threw herself on the floor in her usual tantrum.

I tried to ignore them both as I concentrated on staying in the here and now.
That’s important,
I thought to myself; if my mind wondered again then Daniel would definitely say no.

“I always thought if I asked enough times then one day you’d give in,” he said to the room in general. “I just never really thought it would actually work.”

He looked… unnerved I suppose was the word I was looking for. I suddenly felt uneasy. After asking me at least a dozen times it was starting to look like perhaps this wasn’t what he’d wanted. I felt a little deflated and hurt at his reaction.

“I think perhaps we should sleep on this, Indi,” he kissed me on the forehead as my face fell. “Everything has been so nuts lately, I think it would be better to have a think on it. Let’s make sure this is what you really want, okay?”

“Okay,” I nodded and forced a smile.

I opened my front door the next day to find Billy’s smiling face waiting on my porch. He gave me a huge hug, sweeping me up and spinning me around.

“Baby, you look amazing,” he told me as he kissed my cheek. “I missed you!”

“Missed me so much you forgot to send me that bus ticket, huh?” I teased.

“We never meant to leave you behind, Indi,” Billy looked at me sadly. “The whole thing kind of ran away with us, but you must believe that we never forgot you–especially Joel…”

“I guess that it’s all just water under the bridge now,” I shrugged even though I did still feel I was owed a proper explanation. “Hey, do you like the house you guys paid for?”

I turned and waved my hands with flair at my redbrick, one-storey home. I was sure it was nothing compared to the kind of house he must own but I was still proud of my little piece of the world.

“It was
your
money, you earned it,” Billy pointed out. “Very nice Ind; although kinda low key for you. I’d have pictured blacked out windows and a goth’ed up front yard with black and purple plants!”

“Well, I tried but the neighbours complained–what’s a girl to do?” I winked. “So, do you want to come in?”

“Yes ma’am,” he curtsied and laughed as I let him in.

I remembered a spilt-second too late that Jacob was inside eating lunch, and Billy was bound to know about him by now. I just hoped he hadn’t lost any of his tact and kept him mouth shut about Joel in front of my son.

“Wow! Mom, that’s the guy from TV,” Jacob spotted Billy right away, pointing at him as he jumped down from the table.

“Finish your lunch please Jacob,” I told him sternly and guided him back to the table, rolling my eyes to Billy. “It’s rude to point Jacob. Please excuse my son, he was born with ants in his pants.”

Jacob giggled and sat back down, staring at Billy wide-eyed the whole time. Billy leant down next to Jacob and held his hand out.

“Nice to meet you Jacob, my name’s Billy,” he and Jacob shook hands with a smile.

“Nice to meet you too,” Jacob replied politely. “What are you doing at our house mister?”

Billy laughed. “Your mom and I were good friends when I was your age and so I just wanted to come over and say ‘hi’.”

Jacob looked at me questioningly and I nodded. “Remember, I told you about the boys from that band on the radio? Billy was like a brother to me.”

“Cool,” Jacob said between mouthfuls of ham sandwich and then turned his attention back to Billy. “Wanna watch TMNT with me Billy?”

Billy looked at me for an explanation; clearly he was not ‘down with the kids’ like me.

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to you and I,” I explained. “Sorry Jakey, not today.”

Jacob looked disappointed but didn’t argue; I was grateful that he wasn’t a whiney kid like some of his classmates at school. I couldn’t help but wonder what Billy made of his newfound nephew.

“Take Bonnie with you to the lounge when you’re finished buddy. Billy and I are going to catch up outside,” I told him, heading over to the refrigerator.

I grabbed a beer for Billy and poured myself a glass of juice. Though, if not for Jacob, I’d have gladly gotten a beer for myself. I led Billy out through the patio doors into the backyard, setting myself down in the swing chair.

“I thought I was going to have to fight my way through a bunch of reporters. Joel said you’d had trouble with them?” Billy asked.

I smiled coyly to myself. I’d had enough this morning and had played a little prank.

“Well, you see I heard that they had an anonymous tip-off that you guy’s might be over at some guy called Rob’s place over the next couple of days.”

“Rob… That guy from the school theatre?” Billy replied. “Isn’t he a friend of yours?”

“Uh huh,” I beamed mischievously. “I figured he wouldn’t mind a little pay-back, he does enjoy a good prank.”

“Ahh, I get it now–still a little fire cracker then Miss Jones?” Billy chuckled.

“I still have my moments.” I sipped my juice and turned to watch Jacob put his plate in the dishwasher before padding out to the living room with Bonnie at his heel.

“Joel told me,” Billy followed my gaze then looked at me earnestly. “He’s a beautiful kid, Indi.”

“I tried to tell him, you know. I desperately needed him–all of you really–when I found out I was pregnant,” I looked into my glass of juice, a lump in my throat. “I missed you all so much.”

Billy put him arm around my shoulders and I rested my head on him. It felt like the years melted away. Billy was still just the kid from a couple of trailers back–my confidant, one of my closest friends, not some famous guy from the TV and radio. A tear slipped down my cheek, but I didn’t attempt to wipe it away.

“You won’t believe it, not with all that’s happened, but we really missed you. Whenever your name came up, we all felt so bad about you being back here and not there with us,” he kissed the top of my head.

“Why didn’t you come back for me?” I cried softly. “You promised you wouldn’t leave me here.”

“We kept getting told ‘maybe later’, and we were so scared that the label would ship us back home if we did something wrong that we didn’t push as hard as we should’ve,” he explained.

He held me tight in his tattooed arms and I traced one of the pictures with my fingertip as I listened to his familiar voice.

“Can I be honest though?” he asked and I nodded. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m glad you didn’t come.”

I tensed up at his confession. Billy and I had been so close once, why hadn’t he wanted me there? I looked up at him accusingly.

“Back in your cage Indi,” he winked and pulled me back to him. “We changed a lot in those early days, we tried to please all these assholes and frankly I’m ashamed of us. I’m glad you didn’t get to see all of that; you’d have hated us. God, you’d have killed us for some of the stuff we agreed to, acting like sheep.”

“Maybe you needed a good ass-kicking?” I smiled to myself. “It took until Jacob was born to finally give up hope of you ever sending for me. He was born early–I almost lost him, I realised then that I had to just let you all go. That I had to let Joel go.”

“He’s still in love with you,” Billy’s words caused the tears to flow freely.

The next day Billy was at my doorstep once more, this time I was home alone since Daniel had taken Jacob over to see his brother across town for a few hours.

“I hear the paps got a tip-off about that Rob guy again,” Billy pointed to the empty front yard with a smile. “I wanted to bring you to see Waz–he needs an ass-kicking that only you can give.”

I grabbed my keys and followed Billy out to his blacked out jeep. “Is he okay?”

“Not really, you probably noticed that he looks like shit, right?” Billy said as we pulled away from my house. “I know we promised Indi but he is a force of nature; he’s been messing with all kinds of drugs over the last few years.”

I was furious. “What an idiot! I thought he looked terrible when I saw him last week, I should have guessed.”

Reaching over, I punched Billy hard in the arm.

“Ow, what was that for?” I whined.

“For breaking your promise to me, you said you’d make sure he was okay. I
knew
this would happen.”

Ten minutes later we pulled into their hotel parking lot and made our way up to Waz’s suite. Billy banged on the door a couple of times but Waz didn’t answer.

“I have a swipe card here somewhere,” Billy patted down his leather jacket and eventually pulled out a white plastic card and waved it against the door pad.

The door clicked and we pushed it open. The room was a mess, towels and clothes and junk all over the floors and chairs. It took me a moment to register the figure on the king-sized bed across the room.

“Waz, wake up!” I watched, horrified as Billy rushed over to shake Waz’s lifeless body, surrounded by needles and other drug paraphernalia.

Vomit covered his chin and was pooled on the sheets next to his head. There was a strange silence as I stood watching the scene in front of me; it was as though the earth had come to a standstill and all that was left moving was Billy and I.

I snapped to as I heard Billy calling my name and the world swooped in on us once more.

“Indi! I said call for an ambulance!” he shouted at me.

I clumsily pulled my cell phone from my jeans pocket and dialled 911. “I–I need an ambulance.”

Suddenly time was on fast forward and before I knew it Waz was rushed away from us and we were sitting in the sterile hospital waiting room.

“How the hell did his habit get this bad?” I paced the tiled floor, half angry and the other half just plain terrified for my old friend. “You promised me!”

Billy sat on the red plastic chair with his head cupped in his tattooed hands and watching my feet as I moved back and forth in front of him. People in the waiting room were watching us with interest – a couple of them had even gotten their phones out to photograph us: the rock star and the crazy chick.

“I don’t know Ind, it’s crazy out there. It’s not like anything else you’ve ever known…” Billy tried to explain.

“The circus that follows you guys everywhere will be all over this soon Billy,” I threw myself down on the chair next to him and ducked my head down as more people started to watch and photograph us. “Are there people you should call?”

Billy eyed the growing crowd and groaned. “Shit, yeah, I gotta call our manager, he’ll get someone down here. We should get out of this place and find out what’s happening with Waz.”

Waz was already dead when we found him. That much I understood through the chaos in my head. I had been photographed by the journalists going into, and then leaving, the hospital that day and Daniel was beyond angry.

Still he’d left me alone to deal with my grief, which is all I could ask for. Waz and I hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in seven years but the sorrow I felt was as raw as if I’d spoken to him just yesterday. The image of him lying on the bed in his own vomit would never leave me.

I’d taken Jacob and Bonnie to the park to try and clear my head. Billy and I had spoken briefly on the phone and I knew that the record company were keeping him and Joel busy with band business over the few days, which followed Waz’s death.

I was surprised to look up and find Joel making his way over to my spot on the grass. It was the spot where he and I had lay together with Billy and Waz years before, when our relationship was brand new and shiny.

I stood up to greet him, holding each other tightly in silence. Stepping back I took his face in my hands to look at him; his eyes were red-rimmed and he looked tired. I pulled him back to me and kissed his neck, wanting so much to kiss his soft mouth instead but aware of Jacob’s presence.

“Forgive me Indi,” he whispered, his warm breath tickling my neck and sending a heat through my body. “Be with me, please.”

“I can’t live like this Joel, not with the press watching my every move.” I looked into his eyes and stepped away from him, hugging myself tightly. “We live in two very different worlds now; this isn’t what I want for myself, or for Jacob.”

I sat down on the grassy field and watched Jacob playing ball with Bonnie in the distance.

“I have to think of Jacob,” I smiled at him sadly. “I wonder all the time what it would have been like if you’d been here to be his daddy.”

Joel sat down next to me and locked his hand around my own. I squeezed it gently.

“We would have been a great family; I’d have done anything for you both,” he never took his eyes off Jacob as he spoke.

“I feel like this is goodbye,” I cupped my other hand over his and held him tightly, fighting the lump in my throat.

“So do I,” his voice broke and I looked up to find tears running down his face. “I’m so sorry I left you behind–I, I didn’t know.”

“What didn’t you know?” I asked gently. If this was truly goodbye then I wanted for there to be nothing left unsaid this time around.

“That you would be the thing I regretted most of all,” he replied. “At the time everyone was filling our heads with all of this junk; about how we’d be able to do whatever–
who
ever–we wanted. They said we had to leave our old lives behind, that they’d just drag us back. They told us that if we didn’t cut off the ‘baggage’ then we might as well go home and call it quits.”

“I was the baggage?” It was my turn to cry. I’d spent so much of my adult life being angry and trying to have him–all of them, really. Now I just wanted to listen to him and try to put myself in their position as I heard what had happened out there.

“That’s what they told us everyone from back home was, that they wouldn’t understand and they’d try to hold us back. I wanted to see you, to talk to you – I was so confused. But they kept us busy all day with the recording and interviews and stuff and then they’d take us straight from there to party after party.” He was staring off into the distance, reliving those first weeks and months as he spoke. “Before long I didn’t even know what day of the week it was anymore.”

“And Simone?” I asked tentatively. Simone was the only woman I’d found he’d been in a relationship when I looked into him and the others what felt like forever ago.

He looked at me, surprised, and gave a playful laugh. “Google?”

“Uh huh,” I admitted shyly.

“The guys from the label kept on at me about ‘making the most’ of getting famous. That rock stars should be seen out with models and actresses hanging on their arms,” Joel looked uncomfortable as he spoke.  “Billy got into it, you know?”

“I know,” I raised an eyebrow as I recalled the endless list of women I’d seen linked to him in the online gossip sites.

“I wasn’t interested in any of that–back here I’d found it funny when all those girls threw themselves at us after a gig,” he looked at me seriously. ”But that we before you and I got together; before I knew what it was like to lie in bed with a girl who was my best friend a
nd
girlfriend. The chicks out there in LA are crazy.”

“Simone was different?” I was determined to know about her.

“In some ways I guess; she wasn’t as loud and obnoxious as the others at any rate. They wanted to be with bad boy rock stars like we were fashion accessories but she wasn’t like that. I got with her because I
had
to been seen with a girl, do you understand?”

I shook my head, I didn’t understand. “You had to be s
een
with her?”

He shifted uncomfortably and wouldn’t meet my gaze.

“Joel?” I pushed him.

He ran his free hand through his dyed black hair. “Ah shit. They started asking if I was
gay
,” he whispered the word, looking mortified.

He looked so serious about his ‘confession’ that I couldn’t help myself and burst out laughing hysterically. He bumped my shoulder and I swayed to the side.

“It’s not funny dude!” he smiled in spite of himself.

My laughter was contagious and before long we were crying and breathless, propping each other up. Curious, Jacob came running over to us, Bonnie hot on his heels.

“Have you lost it again mommy?” he asked with his head angled to one side and he watched me try to pull myself together.

His seriousness set us both off again and he rolled his eyes at us impatiently.

“Come on Bonnie,” he said to the dog. “Mom’s crazy is ‘tageous, we might get it too.”

Joel and I watched the two of them run back to their game and we slowly regained control of ourselves.

“I missed you,” I admitted. “I missed us. I can’t believe Waz is gone, that you guys will be leaving soon. ”

He pulled me close and held me in a tight embrace.

“I don’t know if I can leave you again Indi,” he spoke softly in my ear, his warm breath giving me goose bumps as it touched my skin.

I breathed him in; he was intoxicating. So many ‘what ifs’ spun around inside my mind – ‘if it was just me’… But it wasn’t just me, there was Jacob and he was my entire world. I placed my hands on Joel’s face and looked deep into his familiar eyes, pulling him into a kiss.

I put all of the love, loss and pain I’d felt for and over him into that kiss.

Then I stood up and walked away from him.