For just a moment, Matt felt like he could taste the essence of true love, the sheer joy of finding the other half of his soul in another. Like an addict he clung to him and found himself kissing Alex back.
He’d likely hate himself for it in the morning, but right then he really didn’t give a fuck. He threaded his fingers into Alex’s hair, and he took over, owning Alex’s mouth, drowning himself in the taste of him.
The turnabout was nice, the way it felt like he was abruptly supporting a good portion of Alex’s weight. He used his grip on Alex’s hair to tug his head aside, breaking the kiss to trail his lips down the curve of Alex’s neck.
“Fuck.” Alex bent his knees to give Matt better access as he became lax in his arms. His fingers dug into Matt’s back, and his voice was heavy with raw desperation. “Do you want me to beg? I’ll fucking beg.”
A dark side of Matt wanted it, to push Alex to his knees and make him plead for something he had so carelessly tossed aside, but he didn’t do it. With his lips buried against the dip in Alex’s collarbone, he reached down, cupping Alex’s erection through his jeans and said, “I want it hard.”
“Thank God.” Alex walked backward, still clutching at Matt until he hit the bed. He fell back against the mattress, sprawling out in a way only someone truly handsome and sexual could. He cupped his dick through his jeans, arching his back as if making an offering to Matt. “You give it to me, and I’ll fuck you as hard and long as you want. I’ll do it until neither of us can walk.”
Matt stood there, looking down as Alex stroked himself through his jeans and asked, “Are you forgetting something?”
“Probably forgetting a lot of things.” Alex pulled at the button to his jeans, his gaze on Matt. “Looking at you naked makes my cock hurt. I want you.”
“I noticed.”
Matt watched Alex pull his zipper down, freeing an impressive erection. Alex stroked himself, the head flaring as he thrust into the tight hold of his hand. The sight affected Matt, especially half drunk and more turned on than he could remember being since he’d left Mirabella.
Matt fought for clarity, trying to remind himself of the reality of the situation. “Condoms.”
“Who gives a fuck about condoms?” Alex said dismissively. “I’d die to have you.”
“Jesus,” Matt growled, trying to ignore the cockiness of that statement as he watched Alex fuck his hand. “We’re not boyfriends. I’m not fucking you without condoms.”
“Then here’s hoping you have some, because I’m way out, and I’m fucking you one way or the other,” Alex said, cock still tightly fisted, the head flaring with desperation. “Get ’em. Fast.”
That seemed like bullshit. They were in Alex’s house, in his damn bedroom, and he was the top. He should be dealing with the condom issue. Instead of raging, Matt stormed out of the bedroom wearing only his socks and went to search for his khakis abandoned in the other room. He pulled out his wallet and found a string of condoms. He tossed his wallet aside and walked back into the bedroom to catch Alex exactly where he’d left him, jerking off to the idea of them fucking.
“I want you to tell me why I’m the one providing the condoms,” Matt said, three condoms hanging between his fingers.
Hesitance showed on Alex’s face as he stopped stroking himself. “Honestly?”
“It’d be nice.” Matt snorted, trying very hard not to lose his temper. “I’m not a high-maintenance bottom, but I’d appreciate a little respect. If you planned on fucking me, you should have made sure you had some.”
“I didn’t know I was going to fuck you,” Alex admitted, looking away from Matt. “And it’s been a long time since I’ve needed condoms. My hand’s been my only companion for a while now.”
“How long?” Matt asked, trying to hide his shock. The Alex he knew fucked every chance he could get.
“My last day off was Christmas,” Alex reminded him, turning back to meet his gaze. “It’s been a
really
long time. I share a bed with Holly, for Christ’s sake. I don’t go anywhere. I work, I come home, and I pass out. That’s my life.”
“You’re unhappy?”
“Yes,” Alex agreed, the misery sounding in his voice as he arched an eyebrow at Matt. “I’m sure you’re pleased to hear it.”
Actually, he wasn’t. Matt was depressed as hell to hear it, if for no other reason than it brought his own unhappiness sharply to the forefront of his consciousness. Matt more than anyone understood working himself into the ground to hide from his demons.
Clearly done with talking and confessions, Alex leaned up on the bed and kissed at the curve of Matt’s waist as he ran his hands up the line of Matt’s spine. Matt felt weak to the moment, and it was such a bittersweet emotion. To know there was a side of him that was still vulnerable. He’d been living such a cutthroat corporate existence, broken up with quick, harsh interludes in dark corners of gay clubs when life became too much. It was nice to know he could still feel and hurt and ache for something so badly that he’d willingly toss aside everything, even his pride, to taste it.
He should have put up a bigger fight, knowing this was going to hurt in the long run, but he let Alex seduce him instead. Why the fuck not? He was drunk enough to have an excuse in the morning.
Matt laced his fingers in Alex’s hair, holding him near as Alex licked and kissed his way up to one of Matt’s nipples. Alex sucked, then bit lightly and Matt’s knees jerked because the sensation went straight to his cock.
“Come here, baby,” Alex mumbled against the muscles on Matt’s chest, using his hold on Matt’s back to pull him closer. “I need you spread out on this bed.” His hand slid lower, one finger slipping between the crack of Matt’s ass. “’Cause I’m gonna do some seriously sinful shit to this gorgeous body of yours.”
Matt didn’t even hesitate. He spread out on the bed for the man who’d stolen his youth and broken his heart in the process. He was a glutton for punishment, knowing the valleys were so painful because the peaks were breathtaking, and he needed one more peak with Alex for closure.
With his face in the comforter, Matt felt his cheeks flame once more at being so desperate and needy. He groaned and spread his legs when Alex crawled over him slowly, now fully naked, like God’s gift to gay men everywhere.
The feeling of Alex’s body over his was so very familiar, and the nostalgia made everything too intense. Being with Alex felt the same. He even smelled the same. The waves crashing against the shore in the background. The gentle breeze coming in through the open window. Matt’s heart clenched as his stomach jolted with the same throb of anticipation he had experienced every time Alex had gotten him like this, and it made the loss all the more poignant.
“God.” He groaned as Alex nipped at his shoulder. “I think it’s too much.”
“I know,” Alex whispered against his ear, his voice hitched with emotion, making it obvious he was having the same problem. “I was gonna go slow and try to enjoy it, but—”
“Fuck that,” Matt snapped, still fighting the collision of emotion and reminiscence. “Make me stop thinking. Quickly.”
He didn’t want to remember. Matt needed to feel, and Alex obviously did too, because he reached over and opened the nightstand drawer. The lube must have been hidden, and it took everything Matt had not to use his CEO voice and bark at Alex to get his shit together and hurry up as he shifted through the contents of the drawer.
He was practically hyperventilating by the time Alex gave a triumphant grunt and sat back, now straddling Matt’s thighs. Why did all this feel new when Matt had been more than active on the gay scene since they’d broken up? It must be the nostalgia still choking the air out of him.
He growled as Alex took his time with the condom and lube. “Now, Lex!”
“I’m working on it,” Alex said over the sound of a condom wrapper being torn open. “I’m drunk and out of practice. Can you be a little patient? I was patient with you once.”
“Forget it.” Matt tried to roll away, finding that particular memory too severe to endure. “I can get fucked anywhere, and it doesn’t make me feel like—”
“Done.” Alex fell over him once more, as if completely oblivious to Matt’s complaints. He tossed the bottle of lube on the bed as he arched into Matt, pushing his latex covered cock against his thigh. “Going somewhere?”
Matt might have answered if he could breathe. Alex’s fingers, sticky with lube, found his ass without warning, teasing his hole, as if silently asking Matt to open to him, and damned if he didn’t do it. He spread his legs, groaning when Alex pushed in one finger, then two as he worked at stretching him. Matt savored the burn even as he shifted against the mattress for something more. He wanted it deeper, harder; he wanted Alex to hit the right spot that would make the memories fade and pleasure ignite.
“Fuck!” he cried out when Alex did what Matt had silently been begging for.
Alex rubbed his prostate with nimble fingers, and Matt opened wide to the assault, shaking from the rush of it. Memories gone, pride obliterated, Matt became a hungry, carnal being desperate for—
“More,” he panted as he slipped his hand between his body and the sheets to fist his cock. “God, please. Fuck me, Lexie. I need it.”
“You’re really tight.” Alex leaned down, licking at the curve of Matt’s neck. “You can’t be fucking that many guys. You’re still mine.”
Let him believe it; Matt didn’t care. He rose up on his knees a little, the invitation obvious and Alex took it by pulling his hand away and lining up his cock instead. He pushed in, and Matt moaned from the feel of being stretched by Alex, his cock going deeper, branding him from the ecstasy that was just as fevered as he remembered.
Hot and cold, the rush was as potent as it was the first time they’d done this, and Matt tried to memorize everything about the moment when he knew now how different this was from some ordinary clashing of cocks in the dark. He wasn’t sure why it was better with Alex, but it was.
“Christ,” Alex panted, his body shaking, his voice low and gruff. “Oh fuck, Matty, you feel so fucking good. You don’t know”—he pushed in deeper. One hand squeezed Matt’s hip, the other had a painful grip on his shoulder—“been so long.”
Matt did know. He was practically quivering with the pleasure. Once Alex was fully buried inside him, Matt rolled his head back, just savoring being full and close to him. Time seemed to evaporate, their past becoming a misty memory.
Alex let go of his shoulder only to fist his hair. He leaned over and forced Matt’s lips to his, kissing him, pushing his tongue in as he slid his cock out slowly, giving and taking. It was a cruel dance he taught Matt to love.
Alex was almost all the way out before he thrust forward, hard and greedy, swallowing Matt’s gasp of stunned pleasure as he gave him what he’d ask for. Then he did it again, harder, greedier, and Matt was lost to it. What little resistance he had fell out of his body, leaving him open to the throb of pleasure as Alex fucked him and kissed him until they were both sweaty and gasping from the pulse of raw sexual hunger that ricocheted between them.
Alex held on to the headboard with one hand; Matt did too. Neither of them bothered jerking Matt off, because it wasn’t necessary. He was going to come simply from the feel of Alex’s cock sliding in and out of his ass, hitting the right spot every single time.
Alex couldn’t be that fucking out of practice. He’d reduced Matt to a gasping, panting, purely carnal being who was going to blow so fucking hard it’d be a miracle if he didn’t pass out from the force of it.
“Do it.” Alex grunted between fast, powerful thrusts. “I wanna hear it. Lemme feel your ass milk my cock while I’m fucking it. Come for me, Matty.”
It was becoming a mantra for Alex—
do it.
Alex was obvious barely holding out, but pride wasn’t letting him give in to the ecstasy. He was waiting, his hips jerking against Matt’s over and over, all the while using his steely sexual control that was still sexy as hell.
Matt was right there, poised on the brink of oblivion. Everything in him was wound tightly, every muscle in his body straining for release. He could jerk off and make it easier on both of them, but he’d waited too long to get to this place. He was taking it how he wanted it. As his balls tightened and the tingle at the base of his spine started to spread outward, he knew the buildup was going to be worth it.
And it was…
Matt stiffened when Alex finally pushed him over the edge. His body shook from the intensity of it. His cock ached in the best way possible as pulses of cum were dragged out of his body. He let go of the headboard to clutch at the sheets. He buried his face in the pillow to muffle his shout as wave after wave of pleasure crashed into him.
Alex’s thrusts became hard and erratic as he followed him into the abyss, crying out Matt’s name between a steady stream of obscenities that had always been his orgasmic signature.
They rode out the storm together as the flood of bliss temporarily erased the sadness, and it took a long time for the upsurge to wane. When it did, Matt found himself flat on the bed, his stomach sticky and wet. Alex was draped over him, his cock still buried deep, chest heaving as his warm breaths tickled the nape of Matt’s neck.
Alex brushed Matt’s hair off his sweaty forehead. “Matty,” he hummed endearingly as if the past had never happened. “I love you.”
“Don’t.” Matt closed his eyes, already coming back from the high enough for that to hurt worse than anything.
“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered in a voice choked with emotion. “I wish I could’ve been the man you needed me to be.”
Matt lay there trying to process the apology, knowing it was part of the reason he came back, to actually hear Alex say it. But nothing about it was how Matt imagined, and it did jack shit to make him feel better. Reconnecting didn’t fix anything. It made everything worse—for both of them.
This was a mistake.
Matt knew it, and he wasn’t even sober yet. Fixing the past was almost impossible, especially when Alex didn’t seem any more likely to change his mind than he had when they broke up. If he wanted a do-over, he wouldn’t have named this game
pretend
—he’d want it to be real.