The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse (18 page)

Still, aliens are not always the easiest targets to hit. They can be exceedingly fast and agile, sometimes utilizing a chameleon-like ability to blend into their backgrounds. If they know you're armed, even the most skilled marksman will find hitting one a challenge. Your best chance is a well-planned and well-executed ambush.

Bayonets, machetes, knives, scythes, cutthroat razors, and any other implement with a sharp edge are all effective weapons for close-quarter combat, particularly disemboweling or slashing the throat of your alien adversary. However, due caution must be exhibited when using any blade, as sharp-edged weapons are as much a danger to the untrained hand as to the enemy, and in some cases even more so.

The goal of any knife attack on an alien is, of course, to disable it as quickly and efficiently as possible with minimal injury to yourself. To achieve this, attack an alien's vital areas, including the front and sides of the neck, heart, lower abdomen, groin, and face. Wounds to secondary target areas, such as the legs or arms, can result in substantial blood loss, which, though not immediately fatal, could be sufficient to put your opponent out of commission.

The technique employed during a fight will vary depending on the situation, but it may include a range of basic cutting, slashing, stabbing, and thrusting maneuvers. Remember to apply your full body weight to each stroke, and watch your back for alien reinforcements.

When confronted by an alien with hostile intensions, you must be prepared to utilize whatever you find around you as a weapon, and be willing to do whatever it takes to gain control of the situation. Blunt weapons are available in a multitude of forms in almost any situation you find yourself in. Sticks, baseball bats, golf clubs, billiard cues, chairs, handheld tools, and flowerpots can all be used with lethal effect.

How blunt weapons are used will, again, depend on the circumstances, but combat techniques will generally include striking, thrusting, and choking maneuvers. The impact of a blunt weapon produces significantly more damage on the delicately framed body of an alien than on a human. For maximum effect, target the alien's head. Blows to its torso and limbs will often result in significant bone breakage, which may deter your alien foe from engaging in further pursuit.

There may be situations when you find yourself in a location with no conventional weapons at hand. At these times, you will have to draw on your ability to improvise and use whatever resources are available. The range of potential weapons at your disposal is only limited by your imagination. Even the humble potato peeler, when wielded by a trained hand, becomes a lethal weapon.

Borrowing From the Toolshed

The average toolshed is a veritable Aladdin's cave of lethal weapons. From the electric hedge trimmer to the two-stroke weed eater, the gardening tools in the corner to the twelve-piece screwdriver set, your potential to unleash carnage on your alien opponent is virtually unlimited. Even ill-equipped sheds usually have all you need to make homemade incendiary devices, such as Molotov cocktails. Your greatest problem: making the right choice.

It is important that you don't grab the first thing in front of you without thinking. You must make your selection with some degree of care and planning. The weapon of opportunity you choose must match the intended use and your level of ability; otherwise, it becomes more of a liability than an asset. Don't grab a chainsaw if you're about to head for the hills on foot and can't carry extra fuel. Lightweight, versatile weapons are best. An ax, for example, can be put to a multitude of uses, not just cleaving alien skulls in two. Be careful not to overlook seemingly insignificant items. Slip a few nails and a coil of wire into your pocket; you never know when you may need them. Also, grab a pair of safety glasses if you have them. They will help to keep body fluids from spraying into your eyes and impeding your vision as you disembowel your alien foe with your trusty hedge trimmers.

Raiding the Pantry

More accidents happen in the kitchen than in any other room of the house. That being the case, the kitchen also presents you with a wealth of potential weapons to ward off an alien attack. Apart from the obvious supply of knives, open a few cupboards and take a look inside; you may be surprised at what you find. Tea towels, oven mitts, or plastic wrap could be used for smothering or choking an alien intruder. A handful of salt or a squirt of dishwashing liquid could temporarily impair an alien's vision, at least long enough for you to bludgeon it to death with your coffee machine. Hurling pots of hot oil or boiling water over an enemy have been a favorite since medieval times and would, no doubt, be as equally effective against aliens. An alien's head could easily be smashed in with a cooking pot or electric waffle maker. Imagine the damage that could be inflicted with skewers, a handheld electric blender, or that toxic green substance at the back of the fridge that you've refused to even look at for the past six months. The possibilities are endless.

IMPROVISED WEAPONS: A BRIEF GUIDE

Take a few moments to walk through your home or office, room by room. Look around you. Try and visualize how the everyday objects you see could be used in a combat situation. This simple preparatory activity will prove to be a valuable timesaver when faced with the mayhem of an alien-encounter situation.

WEAPON: FIGHTING STICK

EXAMPLES:
fence pale, umbrella, pool cue, fire poker, tree branch, garden rake

DIRECTIONS:
Long, narrow weapons suitable for combat can be found practically everywhere. Improvised fighting sticks are a particularly versatile weapon and can be used for stabbing, prodding, hitting, and poking. They also have the added advantage of putting distance, albeit minimal, between you and your adversary. It doesn't take much of a wallop to snap those fragile alien bones or skewer one of those large gelatinous eyeballs.

WEAPON: KNIFE

EXAMPLES:
scissors, broken bottle, garden shears, nail file, razor blade

DIRECTIONS:
Anything with a pointed end or sharp edge can be used as an improvised knife. Stab, cut, or slash your alien assailant until it is either incapacitated or dead, then make your escape. Target your attack on soft-tissue areas, such as the throat, groin, or eyes. Take caution with sharp implements, as they can cause you as much injury as they do your enemy.

WEAPON: BLUDGEON

EXAMPLES:
vase, electric blender, printer, paving stone, garden gnome

DIRECTIONS:
Blunt impact weapons are found in a wide variety of forms in almost any environment. To assess whether an item is suitable or not, ask yourself, “Would that hurt if I were struck over the head with it?” If the answer is yes, then wield it with confidence and vigor.

WEAPON: MISSILE

EXAMPLES:
rock, DVD player, kitchen cutlery, hand tool, book

DIRECTIONS:
Basically, anything not nailed down can be used as a missile. With small items, it is best to focus on volume rather than accuracy. Throw ten pool balls in a swift volley, and at least one is bound to strike home. Heavy items, such as televisions and bar fridges, can be dropped on unsuspecting aliens from above (e.g., off a second-story balcony or out a window).

WEAPON: GARROTE

EXAMPLES:
extension cord, scarf, garden hose, cell phone charger, bath towel

DIRECTIONS:
Many rope-like weapons can be found around the average home or office. It need only be relatively thin, flexible, and at least 2 feet in length. Even the common bath towel can serve as a formidable weapon when wielded by trained hands. This multifunctional tool allows you to not only strangle an alien assailant, but also suffocate it if need be. If all else fails, give the towel a few quick twists, and unleash a volley of sharp flicks upon your enemy; we all know how much they can hurt. If nothing else, the alien will be so surprised by this strategy that it will give you a few moments to come up with another plan. Caution should be taken when using small-gauge cords — such as fishing line, electrical wire, or string — as these can result in significant personal injuries.

WEAPON: CHEMICAL

EXAMPLES:
cleaning agent, aftershave, petrol, laundry detergent, hot liquid

DIRECTIONS:
The modern home is awash with industrial-strength chemicals that have the potential to seriously reduce an alien's enthusiasm for abducting you. Look under your kitchen or bathroom sink, in your laundry cabinet, or on the garage shelf to see what I mean. The skull-and-crossbones symbol is usually a dead giveaway. Aerosol cans can have a similar effect as Mace when used at short range. Remember to aim directly for those two big bug eyes. Once blinded, an alien is easily finished off. A steaming hot cup of coffee or leek and potato soup can ruin an alien's day with little effort. Flammable liquids can be used to make Molotov cocktails or for lighting a protective ring of fire around your home. Remember, having your iPod on full volume will block not only alien electroparalysis, but also the disagreeable screams of an alien burning to death. An alien death cry, described by some as not unlike a squealing pig, is something that can haunt the more sensitive souls for the rest of their lives.

Pilfering From the Office

At first glance, there may not seem to be an armory of weapons at your disposal around the standard office, but look again. The trained eye will spot many mundane and seemingly innocuous items that, when wielded with skill and enthusiasm, can render lethal results. Fax and computer cables can be used to strangle an unsuspecting alien. Desktop telephones make ideal bludgeons. Scissors, letter openers, and receipt spikes all become deadly weapons in the right hands. The adept use of a stapler can render an alien opponent incapacitated within moments. Even a common ballpoint pen can prove a mighty implement of death when attacking vital target zones.

Embracing Vehicular Homicide

Never underestimate the potential of the family car as a weapon of mass destruction. The car reigns supreme as an instrument of carnage in our society, with tens of thousands falling each year before this insatiable killing machine. Three thousand pounds of steel, polymer, and glass can leave quite an indelible impression on the frail body of your alien adversary. But before you put your car into gear and start rolling the steel radials over your first alien speed bump, there are a few things you need to consider. Due caution should always be taken behind the wheel of any motor vehicle. Do not let your enthusiasm for the kill cloud your judgment and threaten your own safety or the safety of other road users. Obey the road rules at all times.