The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse (20 page)

Although uncommon, aliens have been known to utilize field-expedient weapons during combat, such as sticks, rocks, and unsecured gardening equipment. They do, however, seem to have an aversion to wielding handheld weapons and will do so only as a last resort. Their handling skills are generally clumsy, and any injuries they do inflict are often the result of luck rather than good technique. Mishandled weapons have, on occasion, resulted in some rather nasty self-inflicted injuries. Aliens wielding weapons of convenience are generally more of a threat to themselves than they are to you. Most demonstrations of alien bravado with weapons are nothing more than sheer bluff. When confronted with an alien brandishing a lamp stand or golf club, take whatever measures you deem necessary to disarm them, literally.

Deprived of their powers of paralysis, aliens have a lot to worry about. With their historical advantage eliminated, humanity has the opportunity to show them what we are truly made of. We haven't clawed our way to the top of the evolutionary tree only to be usurped by some officious, gray-assed beings from outer space. Being the dominant species on the planet is not a position that should be taken lightly. If we are to maintain our status, we must take the gloves off from time to time and get our hands dirty. The secret to launching a successful attack against our alien foes is to dispense with any preconceived notions of civility or fair play. Hit first and hit hard. There are no holds barred in interstellar conflict. So, bring it on, baby. Let's rock.

THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

INVASION

CHAPTER SUMMARY

When all hell breaks loose during an alien invasion, you will invariably find yourself in situations unenvisaged by even the most talented Hollywood screenwriters. We can only imagine the fiendish devises and cunning strategies that the aliens will employ to subdue the nations of the world. Yet, do not despair. The future of humanity will rest on your ability to keep a clear head and a single-minded resolve to prevail, no matter what the odds.

In 1955, Gen. Douglas MacArthur is reputed to have said, “The nations of the world will have to unite, for the next war will be an interplanetary war. The nations of the earth must someday make a common front against attack by people from other planets.” While the threat of an alien invasion may not weigh too heavily on our minds as we go about our day-to-day business, there are many who believe that preparations for this conflict are now in their final stages and that an alien invasion is only a matter of time. Although no one knows when or how this invasion may occur, it is important that we are not caught unprepared.

Preempting an attack from an adversary whose military capabilities we know nothing about may, at first, seem an overwhelming challenge, but we are not totally in the dark. We can draw inspiration from the wealth of experience provided by some of the world's most fertile imaginations who can conceive of and understand, far better than we, what we may be facing. For what is today's science fiction is often tomorrow's reality. However, this chapter must be premised with a warning: Unlike what has preceded in this book, what follows is mere conjecture. The advice given here is not based on real-life experiences or hard scientific and historical facts. So, it is important to remember that when the aliens do come, it may be in ways that we have not anticipated. You must be willing to adapt to new situations. Humanity will prevail on its wits, courage, and indomitable will to survive. We must never forget that, as Thomas Paine said, “The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.”

Before considering how to best prepare for and survive an alien invasion, it would be prudent to consider why they would want to invade in the first place. The motivating forces behind any invasion will, to a large extent, determine the manner of execution of that invasion, with the resulting implications for humanity. Although many paths lead to Rome, each approaches from a different angle. A well-planned defensive strategy will take into account every possible variation of attack, as each presents its own unique set of challenges. The following is list of ten possible reasons why aliens may someday invade Earth. It is by no means definitive, but it can act as a general guide from which we may base further speculation.

1. RESOURCES:
Although rarely acknowledged, resource acquisition is one of the most common reasons for invading countries and, for that matter, planets that do not belong to you. If through ineptitude, greed, misadventure, or natural calamity the resources of your own country or planet have been depleted to uncomfortable levels, then all you have to do is take someone else's. This is nothing but simple playground bully logic. Our own species has a long and bloody history of subjugating the hapless inhabitants of less powerful nations for the acquisition of their resources. Whether they raid Earth for our minerals, water, or biota, be assured humans will be considered a hindrance to the primary goal and therefore, will be ultimately expendable.

2. RESETTLEMENT:
There are many reasons why aliens may be forced to leave their home planets, including persecution, war, natural disasters, overpopulation, terrorism, or depletion of natural resources. Just as our pilgrim fathers set forth toward a new world of opportunities, intergalactic refugees will also be on the lookout for hospitable new homes. As Earth is the most livable planet in this neck of the galactic woods, it would be an obvious target for resettlement. With an enviable climate, by interplanetary standards, and more resources than you can poke a stick at, our planet has a lot going for it. The only thing possibly interfering with a successful alien relocation program is a pesky infestation of
Homo sapiens
. That won't be a major problem. We all know how indigenous populations are usually dealt with in these situations.

THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

3. FOOD SOURCE:
Shining like the proverbial golden arches in the unfriendly wastelands of deep space, Earth unwittingly sends an open invitation to all those in the galactic neighborhood to come and dine at our expense. Our planet offers the ravenous alien traveler a veritable smorgasbord of organic delights. With an unparalleled selection from a seething multitude of life-forms, Earth could become the most popular fast-food outlet in the solar system. So, whether it be to harvest the plant and animal life or to imbibe the juices of our own species, when they come, you better hide the knives and forks.

4. FORCED LABOR:
It is not outside the bounds of reason to suggest that aliens may wish to avail themselves of our rich potential as an unpaid labor source. We, as a species, possess many attributes that make us ideal workhorses for interstellar taskmasters. We are intelligent, quick to learn, readily adaptable to new environments, capable of great feats of brute strength (just look at the pyramids), and, above all, numerous and there for the taking. Just as we continue to exploit the services of so-called “lesser” species on the planet, aliens may find a multitude of disagreeable, mundane, or hazardous tasks within their own society to which, with a little bit of encouragement, we would be eminently suited. Indeed, slavery and various forms of bonded labor have been used by so-called “civilized” societies for millennia to advance the interests of dominant cultures. It is not a great leap to suggest that those who enslave may also one day be enslaved.

5. REFUGE:
Rogue military outfits and garden-variety criminals have an unfortunate habit of heading for the hills when their fiendish plots don't work out as planned. Aliens on the run from intergalactic law-enforcement agencies will be looking for a convenient hideout in a remote and inconspicuous part of the galactic neighborhood. Just as Fletcher Christian and his fellow mutineers aboard the British HMS
Bounty
chose isolated Pitcairn Island in the South Seas to hide from the wrath of the imperial powers, aliens who have fallen foul of the law may think all their Christmases have come at once when they set their eyes on our uncharted planet. Although Earth is inhabited by a few billion bipedal primates who are at a stage of development where they still think cell phones are a pretty neat idea, they're not likely to pose too much of a problem for a ruthless band of ray-gun-wielding cutthroats.

6. PROSELYTISM:
It would not be unreasonable to assume that religion, in more bizarre forms than we could possibly imagine, pervades the conscious cosmos. Fundamental to most forms of religion is the vehement belief that their particular understanding of the great unknown is right and everyone else's is wrong. This often forms the basis of a campaign to convert others to their own view of things. If this isn't successful, the unbeliever is shunned or ostracized. Some more primitive religions bypass these stages altogether and go straight for the extermination of the unbeliever.

Throughout history, proselytism has also been used as a pretext for invading and plundering foreign countries. If the heathen don't accept our view of the universe, then they don't deserve the rich natural bounty our gods have provided for them. It's a simple matter of redistribution of wealth to those whose god has blessed them with the biggest guns or heat rays, as the case might be.

There are no antagonists more fearsome or committed to their objectives than those who believe their actions are sanctioned by their gods. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a fist, wrapped in holy scripture, smashing a human face — forever. Let us hope alien invaders are atheists.