Authors: W. H. Mumfrey
Tags: #ebook, #epub
The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse (7 page)
FIGURE 2.3:
Use music to thwart electroparalysis.
3. ENSURE THAT YOUR MP3 PLAYER'S BATTERY IS FULLY CHARGED.
There are few things worse than realizing you forgot to charge your MP3 player as aliens drag your paralyzed body toward their spacecraft. Play it safe; charge this indispensable device at every opportunity.
4. CREATE A PLAYLIST COMPRISED OF THE AR TOP TEN.
There are only ten songs currently known to block alien electroparalysis. Others have been found to be somewhat effective under laboratory conditions but are, as yet, untested in real-life abduction situations. Authorities recommend that due caution be demonstrated when creating an AR playlist. Only choose songs that have a 100 percent track record of success.
5. SET THE SONGS TO LOP.
Most of the songs on the AR Top Ten list last for no more than five minutes. Although some abduction attempts last for less than five minutes, many have been protracted affairs lasting many hours. Aliens do not like to lose, particularly when a specific human subject is of significant importance to their nefarious studies.
6. TURN THE VOLUME UP TO THE MAXIMUM LEVEL.
Research has shown that music played below 100 decibels has no effect on blocking electro-paralysis. As it is often difficult to determine the exact intensity of sound through earphones, it is best to play the music as loudly as your volume control will allow during an abduction attempt.
THE AR TOP TEN: TRACKS GUARANTEED TO BLOCK ALIEN MIND CONTROL
“Voodoo Child” by Jimi Hendrix
“Thunderstruck” by AC/DC
“My Sharona” by The Knack
“La Grange” by ZZ Top
“Helter Skelter” by The Beatles
“Get on Board, Lil' Children” by Shirley Temple
“Black Betty” by Spiderbait
“The Chicken Dance” by Werner Thomas
“Wild Thing” by The Troggs
any song performed by Tuvan throat singers
THINGS THAT WON'T PROTECT YOU FROM ALIEN MIND CONTROL
Commercially produced or homemade helmets (e.g., tin foil)
Cognitive resistance (e.g., rage, anger, indifference)
A glass of water
Prayers to a deity of your preference
How to Keep Your MP3 Player Safe During Combat Conditions
Extensive field trials of the Audio-Phonic Resonance technique have proven that while any one of the AR Top Ten is playing at 100 decibels or louder, you are invulnerable to alien electroparalysis. But in a combat situation, unforeseen circumstances may result in your MP3 player being damaged or otherwise rendered inoperative. Consider these basic precautions to ensure the music keeps playing and you remain safe from the grappling hands of your enemy.
1. TAPE YOUR EARPHONES TO YOUR HEAD.
Duct taping your earphones to your head will ensure that they are not inadvertently pulled out during battle. It takes less than three seconds for an alien to paralyze you. The last thing you want is to be groping around in the dark looking for your earpiece and trying to fit it back into your ear while on the run.
2. SHORTEN YOUR EARPHONE LEADS.
This will reduce the chances of them becoming snagged or ripped from your ears. Some advocates of duct taping even suggest taping the leads to your body to avoid snagging.
3. PLACE YOUR MP3 PLAYER IN A SECURE LOCATION.
MP3 players are fragile devices and must be treated with care if they are not to fail at a critical moment. Protect your MP3 player from impact shocks, electromagnetic pulses, and water by placing it within a shielding device. Position the MP3 player high on your body with the controls always readily accessible.
4. PACK A “RESERVE.”
Having a spare MP3 player will ensure that if the worst happens, you will not be left to the mercy of your alien abductors. Keep it in a velcroed front pocket for easy access.
Have you ever had a song trapped in your head, replaying over and over again, like a needle stuck in a record groove? This common phenomenon, known as Audio-Neuronal Looping (ANL), has tormented most of us at some point in our lives. Whether it lasts ten minutes or a week, it can consume our waking moments, driving us to the brink of insanity. ANL can be triggered by a single word or image. It is an entirely subconscious process that seems to come and go at random. These melodious obsessions have no known cure, except time.
The Bluebird Report states that in the absence of an MP3 player, the power of these tuneful cyclic annoyances can also be harnessed to thwart alien electroparalysis. This technique is called Audio-Morphic Recall (AMR). Numerous documented cases and laboratory tests have demonstrated that simply singing more than one of the AR Top Ten proves unsuccessful; however, by recalling one song from the list and “replaying” it in your mind continually, you can block alien attempts to paralyze you.
So how does it work? AMR is similar to singing along to your favorite song on the radio while driving at 80 miles per hour along a winding road in heavy traffic. Only yards from oncoming cars, you face almost certain death if you make even the slightest miscalculation. Yet, none of these details cross your mind as you are driving. It's as if you're on autopilot. You're doing what you have trained yourself to do, without even thinking about it. For AMR to be effective, it has to be an automatic response. The cyclical rhythm of your chosen song must throb away in your head no matter what bizarre events are happening around you. If you lose the tune for so much as a moment, aliens can regain control of your mind, rendering you helpless. Second attempts at escape are rarely successful.
THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK
How to Condition Your Mind for Music Recollection
1. LISTEN TO THE MUSIC.
This is the first and most essential step in building your defensive shield against alien electroparalysis. Even in the direst of circumstances, you must be able to rely on your memory. You cannot remember what you have not learned. The more you hear the songs, the more they will be indelibly etched into the neuronal pathways of your brain.
2. LEARN THE LYRICS.
It is not enough to recall the tune and “dah-dah-dah” the words. Both melody and lyrics are symbiotically essential for the success of this technique. Commit them to memory.
3. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.
Try recalling your favorite songs under a variety of conditions — not just low-stress situations, such as taking a shower or driving the car, but during stressful or tedious ones such as an argument with your partner or waiting in an interminable line at the bank. If you cannot immediately recall a tune during a time of crisis, you are not ready to fend off an alien attack.
Implants are rice-sized transmission devices surgically inserted in the bodies of human hosts during alien abductions. They are often metallic in composition and can be covered in a thin, organic membrane. They can be found anywhere on the body, from just under the skin, where they can sometimes be felt as a small, hard lump, or deep within muscle tissue or vital organs. Aliens have used implants to identify, track, and monitor human targets for centuries, but it has only been in recent years that their true purpose has been discovered.
Alien implants act as biotelemetry devices that monitor and record the human targets' basic physiological functions. They integrate themselves into the living tissue of their hosts and can survive undetected for decades. There is generally no pain associated with an implant. They come in a variety of shapes and can be found anywhere in the body, but they're always connected to the nervous system, providing direct access to the host's brain.