Authors: W. H. Mumfrey
Tags: #ebook, #epub
The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse (23 page)
If aliens score a direct hit with a death ray, you're a goner, but there is a good chance that you could survive superficial burns and minor flesh wounds resulting from exposure to burning material close to the point of impact. This will, of course, depend on the nature and extent of the injuries and the availability of timely medical attention. Medical service may be in limited supply or completely unavailable during an invasion, and any time lost seeking help will definitely impact your chances of safely getting to a remote location. Yet, leaving burns or other injuries untreated may result in life-threatening infections. It's a choice that can only be made when all the factors in a situation are fully considered, and that can't be done until after the event.
Aliens may not necessarily adopt the dramatic “shock and awe” approach to an invasion. A subtler “thief in the night” type of technique is equally likely to be employed by our extraterrestrial foes. If science-fiction films have taught us anything, it is that one day we may awake to discover that our friends, family members, and neighbors have been replaced by sinister alien replicants. Hatched like seeds from a pod (and thus sometimes referred to as “pod people”), these duplicates are physically indistinguishable from their human counterparts. Possessing the ability to mimick our every move, they are ostensibly normal, but are secretly at work to replace the entire human race, one individual at a time. The following tips will not only help you avoid being replaced by a mindless clone, but may also prevent you from dating one.
Pod people usually propagate and develop while their human victim sleeps. They pass through a number of grotesque metamorphic stages before finally hatching as a carbon copy of the original human. The original is killed and disposed of soon afterward by the replicant, often with the help of other pod people. Pods are generally hidden in inconspicuous locations — like basements, attics, and the bottoms of swimming pools — usually no more than one hundred feet away from their victims. These organic cocoons are the same size as their victims and consist of a semitranslucent, latex-like material that has been known to gently pulsate.
Pod people are at their most vulnerable and are easily eliminated at the larval stage. Rupturing the pod or exposing the undeveloped replicant to direct sunlight is all that is usually required to kill it. Those with a more creative bent may use any variety of weapons to do the job, from common garden shed tools to homemade incendiary devices. Make sure you keep an eye out for other pod people, as they often guard the developing replicants. They pose far more of a threat to your safety, and they are significantly more difficult to decommission.
How many times have you heard someone say, “He just doesn't seem like himself today,” or “I don't know what it is, but there's something different about him”? Gut reactions should never be ignored. If something seems strange or out of place, it's usually because there's something sinister afoot. You may not be the first to notice that someone is acting weird, but you will probably be the only one who knows that he or she is an alien imposter. Those who fail to act immediately do so at their own — and humanity's — peril.
Although pod people are physically identical to their human counterparts, they do bear a number of distinguishing characterisitics.
Lack of Emotions
Do your co-workers' faces remain expressionless after you've told them your best jokes? It may not be the poor quality of your humor that's to blame. Pod people are emotionless drones, devoid of personality and devoted to propogating their own kind. Check their “emotional reflexes” by doing something bizarre, unexpected, or inappropriate, like throwing a punch, screaming obscenities, or making a lewd pass, then watch their responses carefully.
Monotone Voice
Tedious speech patterns are not the sole domain of our political leaders. Pod people are incapable of speaking in anything but a flat, deadpan voice. Their voices are often stilted and lacking in intonation. If you think “boring delivery,” think “pod person.”
Vacant Eyes
We have all had the experience of awakening from a daydream to find ourselves unwittingly staring at somebody across the room. This experience is often unnerving for both parties. The average person blinks approximately ten times each minute. This can increase to as much as 150 times a minute when we are nervous or being untruthful. If the guy next to you in the train blinks anything less than two times a minute, start running.
Lack of Social Skills
Our daily interactions with others can be upredictable, complicated, and, at times, confusing. Humans are masters at the subtle variations in behavior required to survive in a wide variety of social situations. We intuitively take cues from our social context, adapting our actions to maintain the fine balance between being accepted or rejected by our peers. Although pod people absorb the conscious memories of their victims, they fail to gain the intuitive reflexes required to always respond appropriately to the nuances of complex social interactions. Watch out for anyone who stands a little bit too close, laughs a little bit too long or hard, doesn't swing her arms when she walks, or forgets to put clothes on before going to work. Telltale signs such as these may indicate that you are dealing with a pod person.
Don't be surprised when you alert authorities to humanity's impending doom and they do not take you seriously. You will probably be ignored or referred for psychiatric assessment. When you hear clinicians in white lab coats whispering things about delusional paranoia or mass hysteria, take it as a sign that your suspicions are correct. You know the drill. You must do whatever it takes to save humanity from the insidious scourge they are so loathe to acknowledge.
POST-ABDUCTION SYNDROME
PARTING WORDSPost-Abduction Syndrome is a condition, closely related to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, that affects people who have had an alien abduction experience. It is characterized by increased levels of anxiety, unexplained feelings of hopelessness and dread, avoidance of or emotional reactions to things that remind them of the incident, and repression of memories associated with the abduction.
Humanity is no stranger to visitations from other worlds. We have been the focus of extraterrestrial scrutiny since the very dawn of time. The threat of alien abduction is as real as it ever has been. Yet now, for the first time in human history, we have an opportunity to turn the tide of oppression against our celestial nemesis and reclaim what is rightfully ours — planet Earth. It's time to unite, as a species, and take out the intergalactic trash.
THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK
The knowledge you have gained from reading this manual has equipped you to join the growing throng of human resistance. You can feel confident that when you come face-to-face with these alien miscreants, you now have the necessary skills to defend both yourself and your family. Whether you are at the office, playing a round of golf, or on the way home from a turn through your local fast-food drive-thru, you can fend off an alien attack with both ruthless efficiency and panache.
We must not, however, take victory for granted. We must never let down our guard. We must, at all times, be ready to swing into action. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. For, the battle will not be over until the last alien is neatly zipped into a body bag.
Whether you want to believe it or not, the information in this book is true. How you respond to it is important. Your life and the future of humanity may depend on it.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF RESISTANCE
CHAPTER SUMMARY
A.D. 106, ROME, ITALYThe complete history of the encounters between aliens and humankind is beyond the scope of this book. Many stories are already well documented, while others have been lost to the ravages of time, or have been explained away by academics as the rantings of deranged minds. However, it is important to document previously unpublished accounts and instances where the insidious plans of our alien adversaries have been thwarted by both planned and inadvertent human actions. For it is by learning from the past that we can avoid repeating it. These are stories of human courage and ingenuity in the face of unexpected circumstances and often overwhelming odds. Even though the stories recorded here represent only a small portion of humanity's successful resistance, they serve as reminders to us all that we must be ready at any moment to face our alien nemesis.
In early September 2003, workmen renovating a long disused cellar in a rectory outside of Naples, Italy, unearthed a box containing a bundle of old manuscripts. Museum staff were called and soon pronounced that they had discovered the missing annals of the Roman historian Cornelius Tacitus. Among this priceless collection were a number of personal letters, including one from the author's cousin Markus Quintus Sentius, the private secretary of the prominent Roman senator Lucius Julius Turannius. One letter includes an account of the celebrations ordered by Emperor Trajan after the defeat of Dacia in A.D. 106. The festivities lasted 123 days, during which time ten thousand gladiators fought and eleven thousand animals were butchered.
Dear Cousin,
I accompanied the Senator to the colosseum today, where we viewed the animal exhibits prior to the day's performance. The caged animals from the provinces were most striking. Lions, bears, tigers, an elephant and giraffe, all destined for death in the arena. What captured my attention, though, was the display of oddities and freaks from Cyrenaica and Aegyptus. A calf with two heads, a man with an extra arm, and a giant of monstrous proportions. There was one wretched creature, wizened and deformed, hardly human. The public were kept at a distance from its enclosure and warned that it had magical powers that could render a man unconscious. I stood transfixed by its enormous eyes, until prompted to move on by a guard.
I do not, as a rule, enjoy the games. I find them most distasteful. They cater to the common man's basest desire for blood. But I have never been one to resist displays of the supernatural and resolved to keep my eye open to see how this creature fared in battle that very afternoon.
I did not have long to wait. During the luncheon interval, the creature was dragged into the arena on a long tether. Two lightly clad gladiators approached with trident and net, but before getting within striking distance, they dropped to the earth as if dead. A murmur of surprise arose from the crowd. Another gladiator, wearing mail, leggings, a helmet, and wielding a heavy sword, came at it from behind. But within three paces, he collapsed at its feet as well. This certainly gained the attention of the spectators, who had now begun returning to their seats. They started abusing the fallen gladiators and demanding real men to slay the beast, which remained, throughout, crouched motionless, close to the ground.
The onslaught continued, gladiator after gladiator falling before the creature until it could barely be seen behind the bodies. The crowd was incredulous that so many could be defeated without a single blow falling and were suspicious that it may be just a pantomime. They bayed for blood, outraged that their wishes were being mocked. At last, the morning's champion, Manius Dentatus, entered to rapturous applause. Keeping his distance from the creature, he seized a javelin and hurled it, without ceremony, into its back. It toppled over on its side, dead. Unsheathing his dagger, Manius removed the creature's bulbous head, plunged it on a pike, and paraded it around the arena, much to the crowd's pleasure. One by one, the fallen gladiators arose from the ground, dazed and heckled by the crowd. All were publicly executed before nightfall. Manius was crushed in an incident involving two elephants the following day.
In the year 1648, Toyotomi Yoshiro, a one-time student of the famed Japanese swordsman Miyamoto Musashi, turned from the ways of the sword and devoted himself to the austere disciplines of Zen Buddhism. He retreated to a remote monastery in the foothills of Kyoto and dedicated himself to the mastery of meditation. Zazen, one of the core principles of Zen Buddhism, involves practitioners sitting on the floor and concentrating on their breathing or on koans (paradoxical statements or riddles with no logical answer, such as “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”) to calm the mind and body in order the gain some insight into the nature of personal existence.
THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK
Once a month, it was tradition at the monastery to hold a ses-shin, or seven-day period of intensive meditation. On one such occasion, Yoshiro arose three hours before the other monks for a time of quiet, personal reflection. Sitting on the temple floor beside a small fire, he noticed a flash of light in the night sky. Some time later, sensing a presence, he turned and saw what seemed to be three small, naked children standing in the doorway. Without a sound, they pounced at him. Old habits, however, die hard with a warrior. Without breaking his meditative concentration, he instinctively sprung to his feet and grabbed two hot fire pokers. Brandishing them like bokkens (traditional Japanese wooden swords), he felled two of the intruders with a swift volley of blows to their heads, which, being so large, were easy targets. The third turned and silently scurried off into the night.
Upon closer inspection of the bodies, Yoshiro noted in his journal, “They were both pale and unfed, with heads misshapen through some sorcery of birth. Although dead, their eyes, large and black, seemed to follow me still.”
Yoshiro presented the bodies to the monastery's abbot, who acknowledged their unnatural origin. They were ritually sun-dried and bound for preservation. For the next 297 years, the bodies were periodically put on display during religious festivals and used to warn novice monks of the dangers of sorcery. Both the temple and the bodies were destroyed by a stray Allied bomb during an air raid in 1945.
The Lewis and Clark expedition across North America remains one of the greatest exploratory endeavors of all time. With thirty-three men, they managed to cross more than 8,000 miles of unmapped territory over a period of twenty-eight months.
A missing journal entry, apparently misplaced during storage in the last century, was discovered in late 1997 during renovations at Thomas Jefferson's private retreat, Poplar Forest, near Lynchburg, Virginia. The following is an undated excerpt from the journal entry.
At half past three, our progress was interrupted by the approach of a violent thunderstorm from the N.E.
On the evening of the 25th, the party halted and encamped on the upper point of the small island that lies close to the village to which we had been invited to visit the previous day. A small, armed party was formed and suitable gifts prepared. Upon landing on the shore, we were received with elegant painted buffalo robes and carried to the village by six men apiece. We were not permitted to touch the ground until we were put down inside the grand council lodge. After smoking, a hearty supper, and much dissertation, we exchanged gifts and prepared to retire to our boat. The chiefs requested that we would not leave them so soon and invited us to view a solemn ceremony to be held that night as a sign of their good will. Although we were fatigued and reluctant, they implored us with such sincerity that we decided to accept their gracious invitation and followed them out of the village. As we walked, our interpreters explained that we were to witness a coming-of-age ceremony. The Indians believed the sky to be the residence of unusual spirits who were periodically offered boys who were of age, to be taken away to receive the markings of manhood.
Three boys were handsomely dressed for the occasion and led the procession between the raised burial mounds of their ancestors to a small clearing, ringed with large stones. We were directed to remain outside the circle as the boys were led into its center by one of the chiefs. There followed a long and elaborate ceremony, employing both dance and song. Plagued by a horde of troublesome mosquitoes, we were about to take our leave when the Sergeant of the Guard drew our attention to a bright light in the northern sky. Upon seeing it, the Indians became very excited, withdrawing away from the circle and motioning us to follow them towards the woods. The three boys were left standing alone in the center of the circle. The light, which at first glance appeared as some manifestation of the northern lights, approached, then retreated a number of times before coming to rest over the stone circle. We could now see clearly that the light emanated from some form of solid object that floated, motionless, above the boys. My men were greatly disturbed by this apparition and were keen to ready their weapons for action. Our Indian hosts beseeched us to remain silent and warned of displeasing the visitors.
We watched as the object descended to within an arm's reach of the boys. Before our very eyes, the three youths fell to the ground as if dead. This greatly troubled my men, one of whom discharged his weapon. The object, within an instant, rose a furlong vertically, and then disappeared at a remarkable speed towards the eastern horizon.
Our hosts were greatly upset by this turn of events and suggested, in no uncertain terms, that we leave immediately. As we took our leave, we noted the boys had risen and were standing dazed and bewildered within the stone circle. Upon returning to the boat, the men would only say that it was a bad omen. All have since refused to speak of the incident.