The Lessons (3 page)

“That’s fine.” It was. He did not need to be an Adonis. A pre-screened disease-free surrogate with a penis would do the job well enough.

“And Natalie, just a gentle reminder that we ask that you refrain from any outside sexual partners while you are in therapy, for the safety of the surrogate.”

I chuckled. “Of course. I don’t think you’ll have that problem with me. ”

Dr. Lerner smiled gently. “You’d be surprised, Natalie. Our surrogates are very skilled, and sometimes they’re able to unlock years of pent-up sexuality, but thank you again for your assurance.” She glanced at her watch. “He’ll actually be here in a little while, and we’ll go over more of the logistics then.

“He’s coming?” My mouth ran dry, and I took another swig from my water bottle. I wasn’t expecting to meet the surrogate today. I mean, I hadn’t even shaved my legs. I closed my eyes for a moment as I tried to remember what underwear I’d put on that morning.

“Yep. Don’t worry, we’ll just be talking. The work won’t start until your session with him.”

“Oh, o-kay,” I said guardedly as she continued.

“I also wanted to double check that you were able to get on the pill?”

I swallowed again and nodded. “Yep, I’m all set. I have a full prescription.”

“That’s great, real great. Now, we’ve talked a bit about what you’d like to accomplish during your time with us.” She held up her notes and flipped a couple of pages before reading. “You said that you had poor experiences with intimacy as a teenager, correct?”

This was the moment. ‘Go time,’ as they say. Time to win an Oscar with my carefully rehearsed explanation. Or lie. Whatever. I cleared my throat.

“Yes. I had a couple of early experiences that didn’t go so well. Over time, it’s prevented me from being able to be intimate with a man.”

Yes, okay, it was a lie. I had no early experiences. Zip. Zero. Zilch. But I’d done my internet research and those ‘early experiences’ seemed like a vague yet watertight alibi. Lots of people had them.

“And this is making it difficult for you to maintain relationships, as well as consummate them?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me a little more?”

I took a deep breath, ready to give my rehearsed speech. “Well I guess with my first boyfriend—I was fourteen, he…well, he just wasn’t a nice guy. We’d be making out or whatever, and suddenly it was a like a switch would flip, and he’d start screaming and yelling at me.” I looked over at Dr. Lerner, trying to gauge her reaction. I thought my story was pretty good, but she didn’t flinch and instead just nodded and continued to write in her notebook.

“What else?”

“Well, then there was my boyfriend when I was eighteen. He wouldn’t touch me at all, as punishment for pissing him off. After a while, even when I didn’t do anything, he kept cutting me off. It made me very confused. Then one day I broke up with him, and…”

“And what?” Dr. Lerner looked up at me, expectantly.

I could have ended that sentence with a number of horrible sexual acts, any which one would have elicited at least a flash behind her trained, clinical eyes. Lord knows I’d dreamed up a number of options, each more depraved than the next. But I couldn’t do it. Even I knew that lying about rape and abuse was wrong. The funny thing though, was that what I said ended up being a kind of half-truth.

“I haven’t been able to be with anyone since.”

She nodded ever so slightly as she jotted down notes. I adjusted my posture on the couch.
She’d bought it.
Thank God. I exhaled.

“Have you ever been in love?” She looked back up at me, cocking her head to the side.

My eyes widened and I inhaled sharply. I hadn’t prepped for this question. My mind was racing, trying to figure out what kind of answer would get her to sign off on this whole farce. What did being in love have to do with this? Plenty of people around the world have sex every day without being in love. To be honest, the last thing I wanted to do was bring emotion into what, for me, was essentially a business transaction. I smoothed the fabric covering my legs and looked up at her. “Uh, I don’t see how that is relevant.”

Dr. Lerner’s eyes softened. “Oh, it’s entirely relevant Natalie. For two reasons. It will help direct what we do in here, because ninety-nine percent of the time there’s an emotional component to this work. Doing this kind of work—It’s not just physical.”

Yeah, yeah. That’d be true for most people, but you don’t know me.
I’d been emotionally dead for years. I blamed foster care, but in some ways, it was a point of pride for me. No one could make me feel anything I wasn’t willing to feel. Of course, I didn’t say that, so the doctor continued.

“Plus, it’s helpful to know if you’d be able to recognize feelings of love. Working with a surrogate can sometimes elicit emotions, emotions that—for the un-prepared—can be overwhelming. It’s critical the pair don’t develop feelings for each other, and it’s helpful if the patient knows what love or lust feels like, so if those emotions come forth with the surrogate, we can identify them early enough and take appropriate countermeasures.”

“Oh,” I said, hoping my response was calm enough to mask the surge of excitement I now felt in my belly. Had she realized she’d basically told me what she wanted to hear? Giving her the right answer now was going to be easy. “Yes, I’ve been in love. With the boyfriend when I was eighteen.” I grimaced for dramatic effect. “It was great. Until the end. Then it hurt like hell.”

“I see.” Dr. Lerner’s lips formed a thin line as she closed her notebook. I held my breath as my eyes darted from her to the floor and then back again. Did she believe me? I had risked turning my life upside down in order to get it back on track. I had signed their contract. I was doing this. I tapped my fingers gently on my leg as I stared at Dr. Lerner and held my breath. “Natalie, we are definitely going to be able to help you. I’m confident of that.”

I exhaled. Thank fucking God.

“Try to relax. We are going to go at your own pace. I promise.” Her phone buzzed and she looked down. “The surrogate is here. I’ll fetch him so that we can all talk together.”

I nodded as she stood up and exited the office. As soon as she was gone, I got up and walked over to Larry and Lucius, my nervous energy getting the best of me. “Well boys, I guess we’re really doing this. Wish me luck.” I know it sounds crazy, but I felt like Larry started to shake his head at me. I had bent down to get a better look at him when the door opened.

“Natalie,” Dr. Lerner began. I pulled away from the aquarium and started to stand up. “This is Ryan Andrews. He’s going to be your surrogate.”

A familiar set of blue eyes greeted me.

No. Fucking. Way.

Ryan-fucking-Andrews? The hot guy from the library? He was my surrogate?

Shit.

I felt all the blood drain from my face as a high-pitched buzz took over my ears.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. What the hell was I supposed to do? I flicked short quick glances at his face, trying to figure out if he recognized me, but his countenance didn’t give anything away. I furrowed my eyebrows…if he did recognize me, would he say something? As fear seized my heart, I was simultaneously greeted with relief. Honestly, I could do a lot worse in terms of a surrogate. At least he was really, really good looking. He was dressed differently today, in a gray suit and tie. I tried to look him over without staring too conspicuously. As I contemplated my next move, I realized that he’d had his hand extended in my direction for a while.

“Natalie?” His cool eyes looked deeply into me and threatened to knock me over until he raised an eyebrow.
Oh, right, shake the damn hand, Natalie.

“Hi,” I breathed.

“It’s nice to meet you.”
Nice to meet me? So he had forgotten about the library? That he’d programmed his number into my phone? Oh my God, his number.
A wave of disappointment washed over me, almost immediately giving way to concern. This had to be against the rules. Shit, how could this happen? I had moved all the way across the country so that I could be completely anonymous during this whole process. And now through a perverse twist of fate, that was no longer the case.

“You okay?” His eyebrows pushed together with concern, and I felt something deep inside me start to warm. Shit, he was asking me to respond.
Don’t just stand there, Reese, say something.

“Sorry. Yes. Hello. Nice to meet you, Mr. Andrews.”

“Shall we have a seat?” Dr. Lerner suggested. Either my reaction was on par with most patients, or she wasn’t picking up on the tension. I found myself wondering how she was able to stand there, so calm in the presence of such maleness. Surely, something deep inside her clenched when she looked at this man? I didn’t see how any woman could resist him; I mean, he was masculinity and sex incarnate. Yet she took a seat in her chair, and I mirrored her, returning to my place on the couch. Ryan followed and stretched out on the sofa next to me. I tried to ignore the charge of electricity between us, choosing instead to concentrate on the coffee table in front of me.

“Now Natalie, as we mentioned before, you have a finite number of sessions with Ryan. And while you’ll be meeting with me once a week, you two will be meeting privately twice a week.”

“Uh-huh.” I mumbled. I was still shocked to the core, and certain I was impressing them both with my conversational prowess. I fumbled, trying to find my words. “Will he report back to you on my progress?” I glanced over at Ryan— he was staring straight ahead at Dr. Lerner.

“Yes, and he and I will have periodic check-ins as well. It’s important to make sure our work is in sync, so that we can deliver the best quality service to you.”

I nodded. She could be speaking pig-Latin for all I cared. I was having a hard time concentrating. My eyes kept wandering over to Ryan’s shoes. I liked them—a spin on classic oxfords. Very different from his garb the other day. Then all of a sudden the shoes moved; Ryan got up from the couch, and I realized I hadn’t been listening.

“Natalie?”

I looked over at Dr. Lerner. “Huh? Sorry, yes?”

“I was just saying that you will have plenty of time to talk more later this week.” She turned to Ryan. “Thanks again for stopping by.”

What? He was leaving so soon?

“It was nice to meet you, Natalie.” He offered his hand again, and his blue eyes tunneled into mine.
Oh. Okay. So this is how we’re doing it.

“Nice to meet you, too.” I took his hand and the electrical charge that’d been building ripped through me
again
. I shuddered.

“Cold?” He asked.

“Oh, uh, no. I mean yeah.” I stuttered. “Not used to this San Francisco weather yet.”

“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.” He replied, smiling.

I cocked my head at him. “Mark Twain?”

“Very good.” The corners of his mouth perked up, and I felt a rush, like I was back in school, vying to be the teacher’s favorite pupil. “I’ll see you soon, Natalie,” he said, before turning and nodding at Dr. Lerner, “Doctor.”

And after a beat, he was gone.

I sat back down on the couch, and Dr. Lerner went through the final aspects of my treatment, but I could barely hear her. I was still stuck ten minutes ago, when Ryan first appeared in the doorway. Seriously, what were the chances? They had to be astronomical. However, he didn’t say anything. I guess that meant we were doing this. I—

Dr. Lerner had stopped talking and was staring at me.

“Is everything alright, Natalie?”

“Uh, ahem. Yes.”

She smiled. “It’s okay. It’s normal.”

Normal? What’s normal? Nothing about The Plan was normal. Nothing about Ryan was normal. Nothing about bumping into my surrogate on the second day of even being IN this city was normal. No, this was all the opposite of normal. This was downright bizarre.

She continued. “It’s normal to feel strange when you meet the surrogate for the first time. That’s why we do it in the therapist’s office, so that the surrogate’s environment is clean and unmarred by any initial awkwardness.”

Okay, that was pretty smart, I had to admit. But more importantly, once again, she’d given me an out for my strange behavior. “That’s great. Thank you for your re-assurance.”

“Of course.” She closed her notebook. “Well, Natalie, I think we’ve covered everything. Did you have any other questions?”

I took a deep breath. “No, I think I’m good. Thank you for everything. I’m really looking forward to this process.”

Dr. Lerner stood up and gave me a warm smile. “I’m glad Natalie. That’s a huge step in and of itself. I’m looking forward to working with you.”

I got to my feet as well. “Thanks. Me too.”

“Priya will arrange the next appointments with you at the front desk,” she said as she walked me to the door. “We can aim to meet early next week.”

I wandered back to the reception desk in a daze and calendared out my appointments for the next two weeks. As I slipped my iPhone back into my purse, I started to feel a wave of accomplishment come over me. Finally, things were back on track. I was an empowered modern woman, the master of my fate. I had exited the office and was walking toward the stairwell, feeling thoroughly pleased with myself when a hand reached out and cupped the small of my back.

“Hey, shh, come with me.”

I tensed and looked up in alarm. It was Ryan. He looked serious, his eyes darting around in quick succession. “What?” I asked, confused.

“Quick. We need to talk.” He glanced down the hall behind me. “
Now
Natalie.”

The sternness and urgency in his voice made me nod as he ushered me into a nearby restroom, locking the deadbolt behind us. I tried to act nonchalant and put my purse down on the edge of the sink.

“Nice suit.”

He looked down to survey his outfit and then back at me.

“Professional attire helps put clients at ease.”

“So,” I asked, “Do you do this all the time?”

He raised an eyebrow. “What? You mean surrogacy? It’s my job, Natalie. It’s not like I’m out screwing half of San Francisco, if that’s what you’re implying.”

He ran his hands through his dark hair before crossing his arms, clearly agitated.

God
, I thought, was
he
mad? That wasn’t very fair. I held my stance—it wasn’t like I’d done anything illegal or morally wrong.

“Calm down, relax, would you?”

He looked up at me, his eyes dark and flashing. “Seriously?”

Oh.
He did sound rather mad. “What?” I asked again, bracing myself.

“
This,
” he said, gesturing to the empty space between us, “This can
not
happen.”

Ah ha! “So you do remember me.” I smiled sweetly. My comments caused his eyes to heat and his nostrils to flare.

His neck pulled back, and he looked confused for a moment before answering. “Of course I do.” He sputtered, “You’re not exactly the forgettable type.” He crossed his arms, his biceps challenging the lean cut of his suit. “We can’t do this, Natalie. We just can’t. You aren’t supposed to
know
your surrogate. It’s against the clinic’s rules, and it’s unethical. You have to ask to be transferred. I’m sure they can get you another surrogate in a month or two.”

“A month or two?” I exclaim. What I don’t tell him is that there’s no fucking way I’m waiting another month—or two!—for this. I was thirty fucking years old. The egg timer on my ovaries was ticking, and I wasn’t giving this up. “Absolutely not.” I didn’t need to tell him my reasons, hell, I’m a paying customer. “Besides, why is it unethical? I barely know you. I wouldn’t have even known your last name if you hadn’t programmed it into my phone.”

“Keep your voice down,” he said, lowering his own voice. “You need to delete that. Promise me you will delete that.” He stops pacing and stares at me intently.

“Fine. Whatever. But I’m not asking to be transferred.” I crossed my arms. I was fully aware that I’d lucked out—I had a surrogate who was attractive. I didn’t want to risk being matched up with Joe Uglyface on my next go-round.

“I can have you transferred.”

I stopped cold. Shit. He could? I stared at him, trying to figure out if he’s bluffing, but his face didn’t give anything away. Hmm. I guess he could. However, he won’t. Because of what I was about to say.

“Please, don’t,” I said softly, looking down at the floor. “I need to do this, and I feel safe with you. Please. I will be the perfect patient. I can forget about what happened at the library.” He stared at me for another minute, and I moved my eyes up to meet his. “Please. This is everything to me.”

He stood there, his arms crossed, his eyes trained on me. A few moments of silence slipped by and could help but notice the way his blue tie brought out his deep blue eyes. I focused on those eyes, and plead one last time. “Please.”

He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly as his posture relaxed. “Fine.” He rubbed his temple as he says it, clearly conflicted. “You have to promise me you’ll take this work seriously. Because that’s exactly what it will be—work. This is not…whatever else.”

I blinked as I processed what he said.
Oh my gosh, he’s agreed! Hallelujah!
It took all my willpower not to hug him. I was so relieved, I started nodding with fervor. “Thank you. Yes. I will take it seriously Mr. Andrews. I promise.”

Ryan shook his head, as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was saying. “Fine. Good. I’m going to leave now. I will see you at our appointment.” He grabs the deadbolt and unlocks it. “Wait a full minute before leaving. Because if someone catches us in here, it’s over. For the both of us.”

I nodded solemnly, and after he slipped out, I relocked the deadbolt and fell back against the wall. My heart was beating through my chest, and I stayed still for more than the required time. Once my breathing had returned to normal, I turned to the mirror.

I stared at myself for a long moment, somehow expecting to feel excitement. Instead, my stomach was a bundle of nerves.
He said yes.
I couldn’t believe it. No more obstacles stood in my way. Plan B was a go. I was really doing this. I couldn’t back out anymore.