With a splash, he went back down, and the muscles in his jaw and neck relaxed. I watched as his gills went back to opening and closing slowly, and I released my own breath of relief.
“You’re going to die—
again
—if you don’t stay in the water.” I explained as gently as I could. “With time you’ll be able to shift and come to the surface again. But it’s going to take time. Do you understand?”
Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid. I want to shift
now
. If your precious boyfriend can do it, why the hell can’t I?
“It took Saxon years to learn how to control his shifts. In the beginning he nearly suffocated too. It takes practice, and—”
Ian popped his hand out of the water with a noisy splash. He clamped it onto my wrist with a grip so tight, I swear my wrist was going to snap. My mouth opened to scream, but no sound came out as pain groaned underneath my skin.
Do you really think I care about suffocating? I’ve already died once, remember?
He narrowed his brown eyes.
I want to go home. I want to see my parents…my brother.
My voice trembled when I spoke. “And you’re going to break my arm to do it?”
Ian loosened his grip and pulled his arm back below the surface. The corners of his mouth pulled downward, and the circles around his eyes seemed to increase in color.
I won’t tell anyone where I came from. I won’t tell anyone about the Mer. I just want to go home for a few minutes.
I shook my head. “It’s not possible. They want to kill Saxon for having told me. Their rules are ironclad.”
I swore I wouldn’t tell! What more do they want from me?
“They want you to be one of them.” Swallowing, I glanced down at my wrist, it was already turning purple where Ian grabbed me. “They’re dying. They can only live if they alter humans to eventually mate with. It’s the only way they won’t die off themselves.”
I’m not an animal. I can’t be caged up to breed with someone like a horse, for Pete’s sake.
“Saxon says it’s not like that. Once you’ve made the connection with Isolde, you’ll learn to shift safely, and when that happens, you’ll be able to have a life with her. And eventually, you’ll have children together, and—”
I’ll never like that bitch. I’ll never let her get close enough to touch me. And if she does, I’ll kill her myself.
The air escaped my lungs. “If you refuse to mate with her, you’re as good as dead. You have to contribute if you want to live with the Mer.”
I don’t want to live with them. I don’t want to have anything to do with them.
Ian looked very young, like a lost boy.
I miss my parents. They need to know that I’m OK. That’s all I’ll do. Then I’ll come back to the Pend Oreille.
“How did you get away today?”
He flicked a glance over his own shoulder.
Same as every other time. If I scream that I can’t breathe, they think I’m shifting, so they untie me to go to the surface. But I’m fast, and I escape.
The hair on the back of my neck stood up. If Ian escaped, then there were Mer out looking for him. It was only a matter of time before they found him in Moon’s Bay. “They already think you’re dead. The funeral is the day after tomorrow. They’re letting us get out of school early for it.”
He widened his eyes.
My funeral? What will they put in the coffin?
I almost laughed at the absurdity of our conversation. “I really don’t know. Maybe they won’t have one. They’re going to have the choir from the Lutheran church sing, though. And Coach Timmons is speaking.”
Ian’s hallowed face perked up.
The last time I saw him, he yelled at me for pushing a freshman into the recycle bins outside the gym.
That sounded more like the Ian I remembered. I smiled down at him. “I think you’re off the hook now.”
He looked up at the sky, a muscle in his jaw twitching.
My poor mom…do you know how she’s taking things? Is she OK?
“I don’t know. I think…she’s gonna be OK.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him that his mom and dad were a total mess right now. So much so that Hayden was at our house most afternoons and had even started eating dinner with us.
How about my dad? And my brother? Have you seen Hayden lately?
I nodded, praying that Evey and Hayden would pull into the driveway soon. “Yeah…he and my sister hang out a lot lately.”
One corner of Ian’s mouth ticked upward.
I knew he liked her. I asked and asked, but he wouldn’t admit it.
“You didn’t ask.” I folded my arms across my chest. “You demanded to know in between punches.”
I know.
The hint of a smile he wore faded away.
I wish I hadn’t been such a jerk to him. I spent all of my time picking on Hayden, and now I’d give anything to just
talk
to him.
Scanning the water for a sign of any other Mer, I dropped my voice low. “He knows.”
He pinched his brows together.
Knows what?
I heard my parents’ argument fire back up inside of the house and rolled my eyes. At least I didn’t have to worry about my mother seeing me talk to the lake now. “We told Hayden. Saxon and I. We had to.”
Now Hayden’s in danger. You don’t understand what—
“Believe me, I understand what kind of danger we’re all in.” Once again, I scanned the water behind Ian. There was no one to be seen. “Especially Saxon. But they needed to know what we were up against. Hayden saw you in the lake and went charging after you.”
If they find out Hayden knows, there’s no telling what they’ll do.
I threw up my hands. “Then why do you keep trying to climb out of the water? Do you not think your family will notice when you turn into a fish and choke to death on the living room floor?”
Ian swallowed.
Fine. I get the point. Just tell Hayden to stay away from the water.
“Then you need to stay away from the surface. He’s scouring the waterline looking for you—to tell you to stay where you are so he doesn’t have to lose you again.”
Ian just stared at me. There was a long pause filled with about a million things I’m sure we both wanted to say. I broke the silence first. “I’m sorry this happened to you. I really am. But if you look at it a different way, you might see it as a positive.”
He looked away.
Sorry if I don’t see it that way.
“You have a second chance at life. Instead of dying, you’re experiencing a world people think only exists in movies with singing crabs.” I looked down at my skinny lower legs and felt a twinge in my heart. “You get to move and swim freely, and in time you’ll be able to walk and run again too. You’re going to have the best of both worlds eventually. Instead of spending all of your time angry and trying to escape, why don’t you find a way to coexist with the Mer. Maybe give Isolde a chance?” I suppressed a shudder.
Ian pressed his lips together. So much had changed between us since the last time we were on the dock together. We’d been making out that time, flushed and breathless. Life was really freaking weird sometimes.
Listen…Luna…I’m sorry for how things went down. I—
I put up a hand. What point did it prove to hold a grudge against him? He’d already been put through more than any other high school jerk ever had been. “Stop. It’s OK. I get it. And…you’re forgiven. Just do your brother a favor and stay down there and be safe.”
I will…for now.
“Can’t you give Isolde a chance? I mean, I know she’s a bit…you know, evil, and all, but she’s sort of hot. And I know how you feel about girls who…” My voice trailed off, and I gestured at my chest with cupped hands.
I don’t care what she looks like. I don’t care what she says or does or what is supposed to happen when we look at each other. I know it’s supposed to be magic, like we’re going to connect on some sort of higher level the moment we lock eyes, but I’m telling you…there’s nothing there.
He swam as close to the surface as he could without breaking it. The tip of his nose grazed the place where air met water, creating a series of rings that spread out from his face.
There will never be any sort of connection with her. I know what a connection feels like, and I don’t feel it for her. I’ll gladly die rather than be with her.
My breath halted. “You don’t understand what you’re saying. Please try.”
I do understand what I’m saying. Don’t insult me.
Ian’s voice growled in my head.
If she can’t make the connection with me, then she doesn’t deserve to live. She shouldn’t have drowned me for sport. At least your boyfriend had more sense than that, even if it’s going to kill him.
My stomach hardened into stone. Not because he was talking about Isolde dying, but because I still didn’t know where Saxon was or how he was doing. The sound of voices rang in the distance, and when I looked around for the source, there was nobody there. It was in my head.
I have to go.
He glanced downward.
They’re coming. Can you hear them?
Squeezing my eyes shut, I focused on the voices. They were male, calling out orders to one another, and some were filled with rage as they yelled Ian’s name over and over. But not one of them had the deep, silky quality of Saxon’s voice.
“Wait…” Hunching forward, I reached into the water. When Ian noticed me, he reached up and wrapped his hand around mine. It was cold and slightly slippery with scales, but underneath the webbing, it felt like the same hand that’d held mine a few years ago. My heart thudded inside of my chest. “Please. Where is Saxon? Is he…is he alive?”
Something flashed in his eyes, but flickered out when he nodded.
Yes. He’s being held in the same place as me.
“Is he being bound like you? Is he hurt?”
Ian’s jaw twitched.
He isn’t bound, but he’s being watched all the time. He’s been hurt a few times, because he keeps trying to escape. To come here.
A small, anguished cry escaped from the back of my throat, and I slapped a hand over my mouth. “Tell him to behave and do as they say, so he won’t get into anymore trouble.”
I will.
He tightened his grip on my hand.
But you don’t understand these people. They’re unlike anything I’ve ever seen. They reign over the Mer like tyrants, using brute force to keep them in line. The clan members are terrified of them. I’ve heard them talking. They’ve torn people limb from limb, starved people, and sacrificed them to the—
“Luna! Are you talking to someone? Is that Ian?” Evey’s voice interrupted him as she charged toward the dock, her blonde hair whipping her in the face.
Ignoring my sister, I widened my eyes at Ian. “What? They sacrifice them to
what
?”
I don’t know. But it’s something big, and they’re
all
terrified of it. Even the Council.
“Is Ian down there?” This time it was Hayden’s voice ringing from above. I could hear their feet thumping on the boardwalk.
Is that my brother?
Releasing my hand, he looked down again. When his face jerked back up, his eyes were as wide as half dollars and all of the color had drained from his face.
Go!
“What?” I tried to clutch his fingers, but he slipped away.
They’re here. Don’t let my brother see me. They’re here!
Ice flooded my veins. I sat back upright and put my hands out to stop Evey and Hayden. “Stop!” I cried. “Don’t move!”
Glancing down at Ian, his huge eyes locked on mine as he melted away from me. I could hear the ferocious cries of the angered Mer approaching and held my breath.
Go, Luna!
A flash of arms and fins came out of nowhere, tackling him with a muted thunder.
Get out of here now!
I turned my body and began dragging myself away from the edge of the dock, half crying, half shrieking. “It’s too late.” I was sputtering, grasping at the footrest on my chair and jerking it toward me. “He’s gone…they’ve taken him back.”
Chapter Twenty
I stared at the stars through my window and drew a shuddering breath.
It made my whole body ache knowing that Saxon was down there, suffering, because of me. I’d exhausted myself trying to think of a way around the Mer law, and time after time, I’d come up empty-handed. It felt as if the only option I had left was to surrender myself.
I’d thought about drowning before.
Right after my accident, when I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to put on my own pants again, much less
swim
, I thought about flopping out of my chair into the darkened waters of Pend Oreille. Then letting myself sink to the bottom. Then I wouldn’t be a burden to my family. A burden to my friends. Or a burden to myself. But every single time I’d toyed with those dark thoughts, I’d chickened out.
Now I was healthier and happier and had a list of reasons why living was what I wanted and needed to do. Especially now. For the first time in two years, I felt pretty. I felt desirable. I felt like the teenager I’d been before the accident…maybe even better. Well, except the fact that someone was going to
die
because of me.
Flopping onto my side, I tugged my blankets tighter around me. My room was dark and sad, with the shadows from my desk and wheelchair casting dark splotches onto the walls. I couldn’t believe I was toying with these ideas again. I didn’t want to
die
, for hell’s sake. I just wanted Saxon to live.
I heard the waves splashing against the rocks below the house and shuddered. Maybe being altered wasn’t such a bad idea. After all, I was more mobile in the water than I was when I was on land. Maybe once I became a Mer, I would feel like I had a whole body again. Sure…half of it would be a tail, but anything was better than two puny legs that didn’t even work.
Evey and Declan’s faces flashed in my mind. Leaving them to become a Mer would be ten thousand times worse than just running away with Saxon on land. If I became Mer, coming home for visits with the old family wouldn’t be an option at all. Not unless I wanted to suffocate or give away the existence of Mer to my parents. Neither of which were viable options.
I whacked my pillow a few times, trying to find a comfortable position. There was a dull ache in my chest, and I rubbed at it absently. How far was I willing to go to save Saxon? Was I willing to give up my human life to save him?
The dull ache increased, and I choked on a sob. I was. I really was. I guess this was what real love felt like. Suddenly I cared about someone else’s life more than my own.
Evey poked her head into my bedroom, her blonde hair shining in the moonlight filtering through my open blinds. “Are you awake?” She was shivering. “Why is your window open?”
I pulled my bedspread up over my shoulders. “Just hoping, I guess.”
A knowing frown pulled the corners of my sister’s mouth tight. “Got it.” She crawled under the covers next to me. “Do you think he’ll come tonight?”
I shook my head slowly. “Not really. Ian said they’re watching him pretty closely. And that he’s getting the crap kicked out of him when he tries to come back here.”
“Oh.” The quiet despair in her voice mirrored my own.
“Tell me about it.” I stared up at the ceiling. “I told Ian to tell Saxon to stay put. Just do what they say until he can offer his alternative. You know, to killing him.”
Evey nodded. “Good. Do you…do you think they’ll listen to him?”
“I honestly don’t know.” Squeezing my eyes shut, I reminded myself not to fall apart. I missed Saxon so much my insides literally ached.
“What will happen if they refuse?”
“He’ll run away…if he can escape.” I kept my eyes shut and tried to breathe steadily. In and out. In and out.
She dropped her voice low. “Will you go with him?”
Turning my head, I looked into my sister’s greenish eyes. I’d come to love her so much over the past few years. When everyone else suddenly couldn’t see me, she was the one person who never left my side. For two years we’d been inseparable, and now I was contemplating abandoning her. It hurt my heart as much as worrying about Saxon did.
“Yes,” I said carefully.
She didn’t look surprised. She blinked a few times, but no argument came from her mouth. We lay there in the darkness for a few minutes, the faint sound of the lake lapping on the rocks below the house filling my ears.
A few months ago, life had been so simple. Boring? Yes. Mind-numbingly mundane? Yes. But it was safe. Now? Not so much. I slid closer to Evey and slipped my hand into hers. Her fingers squeezed mine, sending a pang straight to my heart.
“Are you scared?” she whispered.
“Yes.” I bit my lip. “Really scared.”
“I am, too.” She paused. “Mom and Dad are going to get a divorce.”
Her words socked me in the gut, and I sucked in a sharp pull of air. “Ev, no. They’re going through a rough patch, that’s all.”
“They’ve been going through that rough patch for years. Think about it.”
I
had
thought about it—more times than I could count. After all, it was my fault money was so tight, and it was my fault they were so tense. I knew that much for sure. “Once I graduate and go away to college, things will get better. They’ll have more money, and they won’t have to cart me around so much.”
“You just said that you were going to run away with Saxon.”
“Only if I have to.” My voice cracked. “Besides, I’m eighteen years old now. Even if I leave with Saxon, I can still go to college. Just because I’d be running away doesn’t mean I’d be living in a cave.”
“I don’t want you to go.” She shuddered. “Not while Mom and Dad are getting ready to spit up.”
I pulled her even closer. “They’re not splitting up. They do this, remember? They fight and make up. Then fight and make up. You know that.”
She shut her eyes, and a tear rolled down the side of her face and soaked into my pillow. “It’s different this time.”
I turned to look at her. “How?”
“I heard them in the bedroom tonight.” She made a sound that toed the line between a hiccup and a gasp. “They were fighting again.”
I covered our laced fingers with my spare hand. “And?”
She sniffled. “Mom’s sick of Dad ignoring her all the time. And Sad thinks Mom’s got something going on with her trainer.”
“What?” I suddenly felt too hot under my blankets and threw an arm out to cool myself.
“She says that working out helps her keep her mind clear, that it calms her.” She wiped her nose with the end of her sleeve. “He says that jogging and lifting weights all of the time isn’t going to take away her guilt. He says that she acts like a machine and doesn’t even attempt to connect with us kids.”
I chewed my lip. “Sounds about right.”
“Mom says that Dad walks around like a zombie.” She released my hand and twisted a thread from the bedspread around her finger. “She says the day we had the accident, he checked out and left the parenting to her.”
The words stung because they were all true. My parents’ marriage was a slippery downhill slope, and I’d been watching them slide for two years. “They can do counseling. You and I can offer to watch Declan, and they can go talk to someone. They can go talk to the lady that I had to see after the accident.”
“They don’t want to.” She wiped the tearstains off of her cheeks. “Dad’s been looking for an apartment. He says he’s moving out after your graduation. He’s leaving her. He’s leaving
us
.”
I rolled onto my side and faced her. “You’re kidding me. Tell me you’re overreacting.”
She was crying now, her face splotchy in the bluish light. “I heard them say it. They…they’re getting a
divorce
.”
Pulling my sister close, I covered us both with the bedspread. My eyes filled with tears as my sister cried into my shoulder, her chest jerking in and out as she wept. I brushed her hair back from her face and sank my teeth into the inside of my cheek until I saw stars. I had to stay strong, no matter how much my world seemed to be falling apart all around me.