That Was Then... (12 page)

I frowned. “What if I don’t want to be bigger? What if I just want a break?”

“Maybe we could help out,” he suggested. “Kids from the youth group could take turns coming to visit Nat.”

“Like babysitting?”

“More like an encouragement team. And a chance for you to have a break.”

“So that maybe I could go snowboarding?” I said wistfully.

“Yeah, why not? You should get to have some fun during Christmas break. In fact, I wouldn’t mind going myself.”

“Maybe we could go together?” I said. “If someone else was willing to stay with Nat for a whole day.” Then I shook my head. “No, it’s not going to work.”

“Why?”

“Nat would never agree to something like this.”

“Why not?”

“She doesn’t want anyone to see her right now. That’s why she won’t go to youth group or church or anything. It’s like she’s in hiding. Right now, all she wants is to have the baby, get back into shape, and hopefully resume some kind of normal life. I think she’s hoping that everyone will just forget that any of this happened.”

“But it would be good for her to be around other people,” he insisted. “It’d help her to see that we still care about her, that we don’t look down on her, and that she still has friends. You know?”

“I know. And you know. But convincing Nat of this…well, trust me, it won’t be easy.”

“That’s okay. It’s still worth a try. And you could use a break. Why don’t you let me see what we can do? I doubt that we can get much together before Christmas, but Josh and I meet Monday morning. I’ll mention this to him.”

“Do you guys meet every Monday morning?”

“Yeah. He’s kind of mentoring me. And then I’ll do the same thing with another guy.”

“Cool.”

He nodded. “Very cool. I heard Caitlin is going to start doing it too. You should talk to her.”

Then some new customers came in, and feeling somewhat cheered, I decided it was probably time to go home and check on Natalie. But when I got here she was taking a nap. So I tiptoed into my room and decided to just enjoy the peace and quiet.

Today was pretty quiet. Nat said she wasn’t feeling too well, so I went to church by myself. And she spent most of the day in her room. I’m sure it’s because she was depressed. I tried to give her space, keeping myself busy by going to the grocery store, then putting together some things I thought my dad might appreciate. But Nat’s laying low routine was starting to get to me. Finally I knocked on her door with a plan.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just peachy” She rolled her eyes and patted her huge belly. “For a beached whale, that is.”

“I know it’s only Dad and you and me for Christmas Eve tonight,” I told her. “But I’m trying to fix things like my mom used to do. She always made lots of finger foods and desserts and stuff. And sometimes friends would drop in, although that won’t be the case tonight. Anyway, I thought it would be really simple to do this, but there’s a lot more work than I realized. Can you help me out a little? I mean, you can sit down while you do it, but I thought maybe you could peel and cut up the veggies.”

She pulled herself to a seated position with a loud groan, then glanced down at her frumpy pajamas, which looked like they could use a serious laundering. “Give me a minute to put on some decent clothes—that is, if I can find anything that will fit me.”

“Thanks!”

So after a few minutes, Nat came down wearing her
snug maternity jeans and an oversized sweatshirt that my dad gave her, and I put her to work at the kitchen table. And although I really probably could’ve finished things off myself, I was actually pretty grateful for her company.

“I guess Mom and the kids have already taken off…” she said as she started to peel a carrot.

“I noticed them getting into their car around noon.”

“At least I don’t have to go through the traditional extended family feud this year.”

I laughed. “There’s something to be thankful for.”

“Yeah, I guess.” She picked up another carrot and sighed.

“But you still miss your family, don’t you?”

“Kinda.”

“Well, I kinda know how you feel.”

She looked up at me then. “Oh, Kim, I totally forgot. I mean, this is the first Christmas without your mom. Are you doing okay?”

Her sympathy almost made me want to cry. Instead I just nodded, swallowing against the lump in my throat.

She shook her head. “Man, I’ve been so self-centered lately, acting like I’m the only one with problems. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I mean, I realize that you’re in a pretty hard place.”

“Isn’t it weird?” She held the peeler in the air as if to make a point. “I mean just last year, everything was so totally different. Isn’t it freaky how things can change in such a short time?”

“I wonder how things will be for us next year…”

“You’ll probably be off to some great Ivy League school. Maybe even where Matt’s going.”

“No thanks. I’m not applying there.” I arranged my cheese slices on the platter, carefully fanning out the layers until they looked just right. My mom had a real knack for this, and my goal was for Dad to come home and feel like some things haven’t changed.

“I wonder where I’ll be…”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. I mean, I know Nat still has options, but I’m not really sure what they are anymore. Her life has been so derailed these last nine months. And right now I think we’re both so focused on her having this baby that we can’t really see past it. I decided to change the subject by telling her about Redemption’s Christmas concert. “They were supposed to get back home this morning. I hope it went okay.”

“Did I tell you that Josh called yesterday? While you were gone?”

“No. What did he want?” I stopped what I was doing.

“He told me that it might be possible for Ben and me to get an annulment.”

“An annulment?”

“Yeah…” She was looking down at the table now.

“Really?” I was trying to understand this. “Is that really possible?”

She didn’t say anything.

“Well, that’d be cool,” I said quickly, feeling bad for
doubting this. “I mean, that’s like you guys were never even married then, right?”

“Do you want to know something, Kim?”

“What?”

“Well, it’s about Ben and me, and it’s kinda embarrassing.”

Okay, now I wasn’t so sure that I really did want to know. But at the same time, I could tell that she had something she needed to say, something she wanted to get off her chest. So I just nodded and braced myself.

“Ben and I never had sex after we got married.”

I stared at her. “Never?”

She just shook her head.

“Not even on your honeymoon?”

“Nope.”

“Why?” Now, I’m not even sure why I asked this because part of me really didn’t want to know, but I guess another part was curious. And after all, she was the one to bring it up.

“I just didn’t feel right about it that first night. I mean, being pregnant and everything—it just seemed kind of scary, and I was uncomfortable with the whole idea. Plus I was pretty exhausted after the wedding. I was so relieved when Ben agreed with me. And he said he didn’t want to hurt the baby, which I actually thought was sweet. We said we’d get a book or talk to the doctor or something. But we kind of put it off. And then he started working those late nights, and we had school and stuff, and I was tired a lot, and then he started drinking
and we started fighting. And I guess sex just became less and less appealing to both of us.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Do you think that’s weird?”

I shrugged, feeling slightly uncomfortable, like I didn’t really want to think about the fact that my best friend is married and that she’s telling me this stuff. “I don’t know, Nat,” I finally said, hoping that I could be somewhat comforting. “Maybe it was just natural to feel like that. I mean you guys had been through so much. Maybe it was…oh, I don’t know…”

“I think another part of it was that I was totally embarrassed for him to see me,” she continued. “I was already getting pretty big, and I didn’t feel the least bit attractive.”

I nodded, pretending that I understood how she felt. But I really wanted to change the subject.

“The good news is that Ben told Josh everything…and because of that, well, we might be able to get a real annulment. And then we won’t have to go through a divorce.”

“That is good news, Nat.” I smiled at her. “A nice Christmas present, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess. But it’s kind of embarrassing too.”

“Embarrassing?”

“It makes me feel so stupid for going through with the wedding and the bridal shower and everything, and then we’re not even actually married. Do you think we should return the gifts?”

I kind of laughed. “Yeah, like everyone is going to want all those broken dishes and the used stuff back.”

Nat started to cry. And I set down the ham that I was slicing and went over to her. “I’m sorry, Nat.” I patted her back in an attempt to soothe her. “I was just trying to be funny. Of course, you shouldn’t return the gifts. And you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about the wedding and everything. You were doing what you thought was right. And like Caitlin said, maybe you guys had to go through that just so you would know that getting married was not the solution to all your problems.”

“But I feel like such an idiot. And I’m sure that people are thinking terrible things about me and Ben. Like we’re such a mess.”

“The people who came to the wedding and the shower all love you, Nat. And I know they all just want the best for you. And I’m guessing they’re all feeling relieved that you and Ben figured out what’s best for everyone—and they should be thankful that you guys can get an annulment.”

She looked up with wet eyes. “Really? You think so?”

“I really do.”

“I’m not so sure about my mom though.” Nat shook her head. “She’ll think that she wasted her money on a sham wedding.”

“She’ll get over it.”

“Do you know that I haven’t even told her that I’m not going to keep my baby?”

“You guys really need to talk.”

“It’s hard to talk when she refuses to listen.”

“Maybe after the holidays…”

Dad was pleased when he got home. “Kim!” he exclaimed when he saw my little feast spread out on the dining room table, just like my mom used to do. “This looks fantastic. Are we having guests?”

I shook my head. “No, it’s just the three of us.”

“Well, that’s just perfect.”

“Nat helped me do this,” I told him.

“Thanks, Natalie,” he said as he dipped a tortilla chip in the seven-layer dip, which I happen to know is his favorite.

I’d already put the Christmas music on and lit some candles, and I’d plugged in the lights on the little tree Dad and I had put up last weekend. Oh, the place wasn’t nearly as festive as it was last year when Mom went all out, but it wasn’t half bad either.

Dad wanted to watch our old “White Christmas” video, and Nat and I didn’t argue. Afterward, Dad asked if we wanted him to do his traditional Christmas reading.

“What’s that?” Nat asked.

“He reads this story about the first Christmas,” I explained. “He’s been doing it since I can remember. And I’m definitely up for it.”

“Me too,” said Nat.

So we listened while Dad read from my old picture book, but by the time he finished, Nat was crying—rather loudly.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“I was just thinking about—about Mary,” she said between sobs.

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure you can relate.”

“But I was thinking about how—how horrible it must’ve been for her to ride on that donkey. I think I’d be dead if I had to do that.”

Dad laughed. “Mary must’ve been made of tough stuff.”

“And God must’ve helped her,” I said.

“I feel so bad for complaining all the time,” Nat said now. “You guys must be totally sick of me. And you’ve been so good to me, and I go around the place just moping and feeling sorry for myself.” She held her chin up. “Well, I’m not going to do that anymore. From now on, I’m going to have a positive attitude. Even if this baby doesn’t come until the middle of January.” She made a face like she sure hoped that wouldn’t be the case. “Anyway, no more pity parties for me.”

“Good for you,” Dad told her.

“I know I’ll appreciate it,” I said, gently nudging her and smiling.

It was getting late and Dad excused himself. “Sorry to be a party pooper, but it’s been a long day.”

“We’ll try to keep it down in here,” I joked.

“Merry Christmas,” he told us as he shuffled off to bed.

Then Nat and I decided to watch “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” but it wasn’t long before Nat fell asleep
on the couch, and I wasn’t that into the movie, so I decided to come up to my room.

I don’t know why I’m not sleepy tonight. And even after writing in my diary, I’m still wide awake. I’d really like to play my violin, but I don’t want to disturb anyone. Maybe tomorrow. I sit at my desk for a while, just looking at my mom’s photo and missing her. I’m sure Christmas in heaven must be really special. But I wonder if she misses us. Or maybe she’s watching. Finally, I decide to answer some letters, hoping that Just Ask Jamie will help put me to sleep.