That Was Then... (7 page)

“This isn’t good, Nat.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Does anyone know?”

“You mean besides his drinking buddies?”

“Yeah. I mean like Josh or Caitlin or his parents?”

She shakes her head. “No, of course not. Ben would freak if I told them.”

“Have you told your mom?”

Her eyes open wide. “No way!”

Okay, maybe I can see her point. Mrs. McCabe would flip out and then be furious with both Ben and Nat. She was barely keeping it together at the wedding. Maybe it’s better to leave her out of this.

“What are you going to do?” I ask.

“
Do
?”

“Yeah.”

She just shrugs.

“You can’t just let this go on. I mean it’s definitely not good for Ben. It’s not good for you either. And what about when the baby comes?”

“I know. That’s what I keep telling him. But then he just gets really mad…” She looks down at her rounded stomach.

I think about this for a moment. It’s just all so weird. Ben O’Conner drinking so much that he’s drunk, vomiting on the floor, and then getting mad? “How mad?” I ask Nat in a quiet tone.

“Really, really angry.” She looks up at me now. There are new tears in her eyes. “He says horrible things to me, Kim. I—I think he hates me.” And then she loses it.

I put my arms around her and hold her while she cries really hard. All I can think is, why—why—why? Why did Nat allow herself to get to this place? Why is she staying here? It’s obviously seriously messed up.
What’s the point? Finally, she’s pretty much stopped crying, and she leans back into the futon and wipes her nose on the sleeve of her fairly grimy looking sweatshirt.

“I know you think I’m pathetic, Kim.” She looks down at her lap. “But I love him.”

I don’t say anything just yet. I’m trying to figure out what’s best to say. Finally I pray silently, asking God to give me the right words. I’ve blown it with Nat enough times in the past to know that this situation is going to take something more.

“Nat…” I begin slowly, “I
know
you love Ben. But you can see that there’s a problem here.”

She nods.

“And I know you’ve been trying really hard to make things work. And you’ve had a good attitude and everything…”

“I’m trying.”

“But maybe this thing—this marriage with Ben—maybe it just wasn’t meant to be,” I say.

She sits up straighter now. “We made our vows, Kam,” she says in a firm voice. “We promised God and each other that we would stay together for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and I intend to keep that promise.”

I nod, wondering how to possibly counter that. What would Jamie say? “But what if Ben can’t keep those vows, Nat? What if he—”

“He
has
to keep those vows. He
has
to stick with me. I’m having his baby. We’re a family.” She’s waving
her hands for emphasis. “Yeah, I know it looks bad right now. Were just going through a rough period. It’s hard on Ben. He’s not used to working and going to school. And those guys he hangs with after work.” She just shakes her head. “They’re the worst. If he’d just lose the losers, everything would be fine.”

I don’t say anything.

“And, we need to get to church. We need to make it to youth group. Ben didn’t work last Saturday, but he went out with his new buddies. I was too embarrassed to come by myself.”

Now I hear a noise from the bedroom, and it sounds like Ben is waking up, and suddenly I feel totally weird being here. It’s like I’m completely out of my realm, and I really don’t know how to deal with this. “Nat, I love you, but something is really wrong here. And I’m worried about you. And Ben too.” I stand up and move toward the door. “You guys need help.”

“Do
not
tell anyone, Kim,” she says, standing too.

“How can I not?”

“You’re my best friend,” she says with a creased brow. “And I never would’ve told you if I didn’t think I could trust you. Ben and I are going to deal with this. And we don’t need a bunch of people interfering.”

“You guys need some kind of help.”

“No, we’re going to get through this, Kim. Pastor Tony told us during our premarital counseling that marriage isn’t easy. He said it’s something you have to work your way through, but that it’s worth it.”

“But, Nat—”

“No buts.” She gives me that look now. The one I’ve only seen a few times from her, but it’s to warn me not to step over the line. Our friendship is at stake.

“Okay.” I give in.

Then she hugs me. “Thanks, Kim. It means a lot that you came over. I know I can trust you. And really, I think this was just a good wake-up call. Ben will probably be really sorry today. He’ll probably realize that he needs to stop drinking and start acting more responsibly.”

“I hope so.” But even as I say this, I doubt it.

“Nat?” I hear Ben’s voice.

“You better go,” she says in a hushed tone.

And I don’t argue with her. Feeling like I just stepped out of the twilight zone, I walk away from the apartment complex just as it starts to rain. And now as I sit here finishing today’s entry in my diary, I think that as much as I love Nat, I am getting so tired of her life. God forgive me, but I am.

I’ve talked to Nat twice this week. But only on the phone. Both times she just glossed over what happened last weekend. She told me everything was “fine.” But without any details. It was the kind of reassurance that isn’t reassuring at all. I know she’s covering something up.

“Do you want me to stop by this morning?” I asked when I called to check on her. “I’m going over to the Paradiso anyway.”

“No,” she said sleepily. “I didn’t sleep very well last night. I want to sleep in this morning.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” she said in a somewhat snippy tone. “It’s just the baby. I’m getting bigger, and I have to get up to use the bathroom all the time.” She let out a moan. “Being pregnant is not fun, Kim.”

“I didn’t think it would be.”

“I can’t believe I still have almost two months before the baby is due. Getting up all night to use the bathroom, watching your body getting stretched out of shape… Well, it’s not for the faint of heart.”

“Maybe the getting-up-all-night thing is good,” I said, looking for the positive side.

“What on earth for?”

“Maybe it’s God’s way of preparing you for when the baby is born. You’ll have to get up all night to take care of it.”

She let out another moan. “Ugh, I don’t want to think about that.”

“It’s a fact of life, Nat.”

“Did you just call me to torture me?”

“No, I just wanted to check on you.”

“Well, you did, thank you very much.”

“So what are you doing today?” I asked. And I was actually curious. I mean, I can’t imagine what I would do if I was stuck in that little hole-in-the-wall apartment. It would be like being in prison.

“I don’t know…”

“Why don’t you come by the Paradiso,” I said. “I’ll spot you for a mocha—a decaf, of course.”

“I don’t know…”

“You haven’t even been there since Redemption bought the place. They’ve made some pretty cool changes.”

“I might come by…”

“Good. I’ll be there until three.”

“Okay, see ya later then.”

Even as I hung up, I had my doubts as to whether I’d really see her there. And as it turned out, I didn’t. And I didn’t see her or Ben at youth group tonight. But that wasn’t as surprising. I did, however, ask Cesar if he’d seen Ben.

“I’ve called him a lot,” Cesar told me. “But it seems like he’s always working. And so far he hasn’t returned my calls.”

I frowned.

“Is everything okay with them?”

I gave him my can’t-talk-about-that look, remembering my promise to Nat.

Cesar sighed. “It wouldn’t be surprising if they were having some problems. That’s a lot to adjust to. I can’t even imagine what I’d do if I was in Ben’s shoes.”

I laughed. “Well, that’s something you’ll never have to worry about.”

He grinned. “See, there is an upside to kissing dating good-bye.” Then he pointed at me. “I haven’t seen you going out with anyone since your breakup with Matt.”

I kind of shrugged. “It’s not that I’ve kissed dating good-bye. It’s more like I decided to take a break.”

“Good for you.”

“Yeah…I guess.”

Now I’m back home and feeling worried about Nat. My theory is that she’s avoiding everyone. I think she’s embarrassed about the way she looks. She’s getting
really big now, and none of her clothes fit right, and for whatever reason (maybe money) she hasn’t really gotten any maternity clothes. But besides that, I think she’s depressed. She just doesn’t seem like herself anymore. And if I had to bet, I’d say that it’s probably because of Ben. Not that I’m blaming him completely. I mean, he’s probably depressed too. He’s just dealing with it differently.

It’s too late to call Nat tonight, but I think maybe I’ll call her tomorrow. I have an idea. Maybe I can take her to look for some maternity clothes. I just got a check for the syndication of my column, and it was a lot better than I expected it to be. I guess my dad’s newspaper has sold it to some more papers. Anyway, Natalie has always loved going to the mall. Maybe I can cheer her up by helping her to get into some clothes that fit.

Nat and I actually went shopping tonight. I’d been calling her all week, but she kept blowing me off with some really pathetic excuses until I finally pinned her down and she agreed to go. But as soon as I picked her up, I noticed that something seemed wrong. For one thing she was wearing a lot of eye makeup, which isn’t really like her. But besides that, she kept giving me these odd little sideways glances. Pretty weird.

When we got inside the well-lit mall, I noticed that her left eye looked kind of strange. “What happened to
your eye?” I asked as we walked to a store that specializes in both maternity and baby things.

She reached her hand up to touch it. “Oh, that…it was just really stupid. I was sweeping the kitchen last weekend, and I’d forgotten to close this cupboard door, and you know how cramped it is in there. Well, the next thing I knew, I smacked right into the door. Really hurt too.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

We went into the maternity shop and were pleased to find some things that looked like real clothes. “You could probably even wear this after the baby is born,” I told her as I held up a T-shirt.

“That’s the whole point,” a saleswoman said with a smile. “Maternity clothes aren’t just for being pregnant anymore. And it usually takes the little mother a few months to get her figure back.”

“A few months?” Natalie looked shocked.

“Oh, about six usually. Some women snap back sooner.”

“Well, that’s what I plan to do.” Nat held up a pair of low-waisted flared jeans. “These are pretty cute.”

“Yes,” said the woman, “and that panel at the waist is adjustable. It gets bigger and smaller to accommodate your ever-changing body. When is the baby due?”

“Early January.”

“Oh, maybe it’ll be a New Year’s baby,” the saleswoman said. “Did you know that the first baby born in a new year gets all kinds of special gifts?”

“I’ve never heard that,” Nat said as she picked out another pair of jeans.

“Oh, yes.” The woman nodded. “We even donate some things from our baby department. It’s a pretty big deal.”

“Guess I better have my baby on New Year’s then.” Nat winked at me. “I think I’ll try these on.”

I waited while Nat tried on several things, going back to find her different sizes until she finally picked out a pair of jeans and three tops.

“Are you sure, Kim?” she asked as we walked back to the saleswoman.

“I’m positive, Nat. I want to do this for you, okay?”

She smiled and I noticed that black eye again. And I’m sorry, but it didn’t really look like something you could get from a cupboard door. But I didn’t say anything.

“Want to look at baby things?” I asked after the woman handed Nat her bag.

Nat just shook her head. “Not really.”

“Are you registered yet?” the woman asked.

“Registered?”

“For baby gifts.” The woman smiled at me now. “For the baby shower, dear. Surely some of your friends will be giving you a baby shower.”

Nat giggled. “Well, I don’t know…”

“Why not register anyway?” said the woman. “Just in case.”

So I walked through the store with Natalie, watching
as she checked boxes on the long registry form. I could only imagine what all that stuff would cost, especially since this store isn’t exactly cheap. “Maybe you should register at places like Target too,” I suggested.