*
Did you hear about the Italian engineer who invented a car so energy-efficient it didn’t need any gas at all?
It’s called the Ronzoni Downhill.
*
Or about the Italian driver in the Indianapolis 500 who had to make seven pit stops . . . to ask directions?
*
How do you get forty Haitians in a shoebox?
Tell ‘em it floats.
*
What’s an innuendo?
An Italian suppository.
*
Why do Mexicans drive low-riders?
So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.
*
What did the Mexican do with his first 50-cent piece?
Married her.
*
Why don’t Mexicans have barbecues?
The beans fall through the grill.
*
How many cigars does it take to kill ten Mexicans?
Juan Corona.
*
In America, they say, “It’s 10:00—do you know where your children are?”
In England, they say, “It’s 10:00—do you know where your wife is?”
In France, they say, “It’s 10:00—do you know where your husband is?”
In Poland, they say, “It’s 10:00—do you know what time it is?”
*
Why don’t Puerto Ricans like blow jobs?
They’re afraid they’ll interfere with their unemployment benefits.
*
What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
The Italian mother says, “If you don’t eat all the food on this plate, I’ll kill you.”
The Jewish mother says, “If you don’t eat all the food on this plate, I’ll kill myself.”
*
What’s brown and has holes in it?
Swiss shit.
*
What do they use in a Mexican baptism?
Bean dip.
*
Why do Mexicans eat refried beans?
Ever seen a Mexican that didn’t fuck things up the first time around?
*
Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
Because they couldn’t fit all that shit into a sneaker.
*
How does God make Puerto Ricans?
By sandblasting blacks.
*
Did you hear about the Italian who picked his nose apart to see what made it run?
*
What’s Jewish foreplay?
A trip to the jewelry store followed by a half hour of begging.
Puerto Rican foreplay?
“Is your husband back from work yet, Carmen?”
Black foreplay?
“Don’t scream or I’ll kill you.”
*
Did you hear about the Greek boy who left home because he didn’t like the way he was being reared?
He came back because he couldn’t leave his brothers behind.
*
Why do Mexican women wear long skirts?
To hide the no-pest strips.
*
Why do Italians bury their dead with their asses sticking up out of the ground?
So they’ll have somewhere to park their bicycles.
*
Know what Greek lipstick is?
Preparation H.
*
What’s the definition of a cad?
An Italian who doesn’t tell his wife he’s sterile until she’s pregnant.
*
How come the Mexican Army only used 600 soldiers at the Alamo?
They only had two cars.
*
How do you kill an Italian?
Smash the toilet seat down on his head while he’s getting a drink.
*
Why do Mexicans’ cars have such small steering wheels?
So they can drive with handcuffs on.
*
What’s the definition of a maniac?
An Italian in a whorehouse with a credit card.
*
How do you get two Mexicans off your roof?
Jerk one off and the other’ll come too.
*
Who won the race down the tunnel—the black or the Pole?
The Pole, because the black had to stop and write “motherfucker” on the wall.
*
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the witness.
*
What do you call a Vietnamese family with one dog?
Vegetarians.
*
What do you call a Vietnamese family with two dogs?
Ranchers.
*
How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car?
BlackOne, if you hit him right.
Remember how to keep little black kids from jumping up and down on the bed? (Put Velcro on the ceiling.)
How do you get ‘em down?
Invite some Mexican kids over and tell them it’s a pinata party.
*
What’s the definition of worthless?
A seven-foot-two-inch black with a small cock who can’t play basketball.
*
Did you hear the Harlem High school cheer?
Barbecue, watermelon,
Cadillac car;
We’re not as dumb
As you think we is!
*
There was this football coach who wasn’t too pleased with the way his team was performing; their record was 0—6 and it was already half way through the season. He didn’t know quite what to do about it, though, since he couldn’t figure out whether the play book was too complicated or whether the players were simply unable to play any better. Finally he decided that the best solution was to simplify the play book, reducing the number of plays to something even the most thick-headed guy on the team could understand.
So after a particularly depressing defeat, he called his muddy and battered team together and explained that from now on they would only have to master four plays, and that he had simplified the calls as follows: NRR, NRL, SPDN, and WBK.
“What’s dat again, coach?” asked the quarterback, scratching his head.
“NRR,” explained the coach, “stands for Nigger Run Right.”
“NRL,” he went on, “means Nigger Run Left, and SPDN means Same Play, Different Nigger. As for WBK, well that’s White Boy Kick.”
*
What’s tattooed on the inside of every negro’s hip?
Inflate to 50 psi.
*
Why do blacks wear high-heeled shoes?
So their knuckles don’t scrape the ground.
*
Why do blacks wear wide-brimmed hats?
So pigeons don’t shit on their lips.
*
Two black garbage men in Atlanta were going about their rounds and came to the end of their route with the garbage truck absolutely full—and with one bag of garbage still sitting on the side-walk. Being conscientious workers, they were reluctant to leave it, but the truck would not hold another ounce.
“Tell you what, Joe,” said Sam. “You drive real slowly, and I’ll hang on to the back of the truck holding that last bag with my body. We ain’t got too far to go.”
That was fine with Joe, and so he drove the truck off with Sam clinging, spread-eagled, to the back of the truck.
They rounded the corner and passed by two Southern gentlemen, who looked at the back end of the truck with considerable surprise. “Can you believe your eyes?” asked his companion. “They’re throwing away a perfectly good nigger!”
*
What do you call a black millionaire physicist?
A nigger.
*
What do you get when you cross a black and a groundhog?
Six more weeks of basketball season.
*
How do you know Adam and Eve weren’t black?
Ever tried to take a rib from a black man?
*
There was a black couple that already had eight fine children, and finally the wife implored her husband to have a vasectomy. After much cajoling, he made an appointment, and the morning of the operation his wife was astonished to see him leave the house dressed in white tie and tails and head for a big black limousine waiting at the curb. Responding to her quizzical look, he explained, “Honey, if you gonna be impo’tant, you gotta act impo’tant!”
*
A con man came into a small-town saloon, sidled up to the bar, and told the bartender he’d bet him $50 he could have him in tears in three minutes. “You got a deal!” said the bartender. “I haven’t cried since I broke my ankle when I was ten.”
So two and a half minutes went by in silence,and finally the bartender said, “You know, you only have thirty seconds left and I’m nowhere near tears.”
“No problem,” said the con man. “My friend Boo will be along any moment, and he’ll have you bawling in no time.”
“Boo who?” asked the bartender... and then sheepishly handed over the fifty bucks.
The con man proceeded down the bar to where a black guy was nursing a beer, and made him the same offer. “Man, ah ain’ cried since ah was a baby,” said the black guy. “You on!”
A minute, two minutes ticked by, and the black guy spoke up, pointing out that time was running short. “Don’t you worry,” said the con man, “my friend Boo is due right about now and you’re going to weep.”
“Who be Boo?” asked the black guy.