“My name is Cinderella,” she says. “What’s yours?”
“Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater,” says he.
“Oh, in that case I’ll stay.”
*
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding itself came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.
“Hmmmmm,” she said softly, “that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline, and I’ll see what I can do.”
*
Fred’s wife refused to wear underwear, and it drove him crazy. He didn’t think it was proper or sanitary or right, but nothing he said persuaded her to mend her ways. But when she caught a bad cold one winter, Fred had a brainstorm. Calling up the family doctor, he said, “Doc, I wish you’d come and look in on my wife; she’s got a terrible cold. And there’s something else you could do for me. You see, she’s got this terrible habit of going around without any underwear on, and if you could somehow persuade her that the cold was linked to that, why, I’d pay you double.”
The doctor came right over and found the woman wrapped in a blanket on the living room sofa, blowing her nose. Looking down her throat, the doctor said, “Mrs. Brown, I’ll give you something for this cold . . . but if you don’t start wearing underpants, it’s going to bother you all winter.”
“You mean to tell me, doctor,” she said, “that you can tell from looking down my throat that I’m not wearing panties?”
“That’s right,” he assured her.
“Well then, would you mind looking up my asshole and letting me know if my hat’s on straight?”
*
This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to tell him the dream she had the night before. “Honey, I dreamed I was at a cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50.”
“Say, was mine in the auction?” the man inquires a bit anxiously.
“Honey, yours would’ve been too big to get in the door.”
A couple of days later they’re lying in bed again, and the man says, “You wouldn’t believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds.”
“Well, did you see mine?” she asks.
“Baby,” he says, “the auction was in your pussy.”
*
The divorce case was an especially acrimonious one, as the wife was suing on the grounds that her husband had completely failed to satisfy her. “Frankly,” she advised the court in a stage whisper, “he was so poorly endowed—and I mean tiny—that it just wasn’t even worth the effort.”
The sympathetic judge awarded a large cash settlement to the woman, and as she left the stand and walked past her husband, she hissed, “So long, sucker.”
Sticking a finger in each corner of his mouth and pulling it as wide as possible, he said, “So long, bitch.”
*
What do soybeans and dildos have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
*
What do eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.
*
What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
*
Why is it so groovy to be a test-tube baby?
Because you’ve got a womb with a view.
*
Mel and Howie are frequent fishing partners, but Howie always catches more fish than Mel. One Saturday morning they’re out on the lake, and Howie’s pulled in a couple of nice-sized bass. Mel notices Howie sniffing his bait before putting it on the hook.
“How come?” he asks his friend.
“I have this friend who works in an autopsy room,” explains Howie, “and he slips me the cunts. They make great bait.”
“I can see that,” says Mel. “But why do you smell them?”
“Every so often he slips in an asshole.”
*
Why did a fellow trade in his wife for an outhouse?
The hole was smaller and the smell was better.
*
There was this girl who lived in New Jersey, and she loved it so much that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State. One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to feel up her right tit. “I bet you call this Mount Pleasant,” he said, and she smiled in assent.
Working his hand down her ass, he asked, “And this?”
“I call that Freehole,” said she.
Getting hot and heavy, he maneuvered his hand around to the front. “I bet you call this Cherry Hill,” he said triumphantly.
“Nope. That’s Eatontown.”
*
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
*
If God hadn’t meant us to eat pussy, He wouldn’t have made it look like a taco.
*
Did you hear about the bride who was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries?
There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven-pound baby boy. They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle.
“Gee,” said one of them to the nurse, “he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn’t he?”
“Oh, he’s quiet now,” said the nurse, “but he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass.”
*
Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck driver. “Tell him we’re going to sue, sue, sue!” he shrieked.
Obligingly Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, “Ah, why doncha suck my cock.”
“Phil,” said Larry, coming back to their car, “I think we’re going to be able to settle out of court.”
*
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A Klondike.
*
How do you identify a bull dyke?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
*
What do you get when you cross a gay Eskimo and a black?
A snowblower that doesn’t work.
*
This guy is taking a leak in a public men’s room when a man enters with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. “Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?” he asks.
Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
“Shake it off” is the next instruction, then “zip me up,” and the guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of being so helpless.
“Say, thanks,” says the man, flouncing to the door. “I guess my nails are dry now.”
*
What’s the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
*
What’s the definition of a Bloody Mary?
A wounded faggot.
*
What do you call a lesbian opera singer?
A muff diva.
*
How can you tell when your roommate’s gay?
When his cock tastes like shit.
*
Did you hear about the gay Catholic?
He couldn’t decide whether the Pope was fabulous or simply divine.
*
Is it better to be born black or gay?
Black, because you don’t have to tell your parents.
*
What’s this? (Stick out your tongue.)
A lesbian with a hard-on.
*
How can you tell if you walk into a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.
*
Did you hear about the queer Indian?
He jumped into a canoe, took three strokes, and shot across the lake.
*
How about the queer burglar?
He couldn’t blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.
*
What do lesbians like better than Calvin Klein jeans?
Billy Jeans.
*
Why don’t senators use bookmarks?
They just bend over the pages.
*
Why do gay men have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.
*
What do you call the zipper on a gay Italian’s pants?
A Mediterranean fruit fly.
*
What’s the definition of analingus?
Tongue-in-cheek.
*
Herbie had always done well in school and was doing even better in college, so his parents were a bit surprised to be summoned by the guidance counselor.
“I have some good news and some bad news, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson,” said the counselor. “The bad news is that Herbie is gay.”
Herbie’s parents blanched.
“The good news is that he’s going to be Homecoming Queen.”
Why doesn’t Jesus eat M&Ms?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
*
What did Jesus say to Mary when he was on the cross?