Bob.
*
What do you call the same guy in the ocean?
Skip.
*
What do you call the same guy at your door?
Matt.
*
What do you call the same guy tacked up on your wall?
Art.
*
How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?
Trying to read her own lips.
*
Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted to the Personals Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.
Phone calls started coming in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck the young woman’s fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door, she found a man with no arms or legs. “I’m terribly sorry,” she stammered, “but my ad was quite explicit. I’m really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you . . . uh . . . don’t have all the . . .”
“Listen,” the man interrupted her, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
*
What’s the hardest thing about eating vegetables?
The wheelchairs.
*
What’s the definition of endless love?
Ray Charles and Helen Keller playing tennis.
*
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can appreciate them too.
*
How do you tell the blind guy in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.
*
There’s this really shy guy who never leaves his room. Although he’s desperately lonely for any sort of companionship, he’s terribly self-conscious about the fact that he has a wooden eye, and even though it’s not very noticeable he doesn’t want to expose himself to ridicule. Finally his best friend says, “Look, if you ever want to do anything with your life you’ve simply got to get out and about. Come with me to the prom on Saturday.”
With the greatest reluctance he agrees, and Saturday night finds him sitting on the bleachers in the high school gym while his friend dances away, until he notices a woman on the other side of the room. She’s not beautiful—in fact she has a harelip—and he screws up his courage to approach her.
“Would you like to dance?” he asks.
Her face lighting up, she cries, “Would I? Would I?”
“Harelip! Harelip!” he shouts back.
*
What has 30,000 feet and still can’t walk?
Jerry’s kids.
*
This guy has a blind date, and when she comes to the door his worst fears are realized: she’s a paraplegic. But he takes her out to dinner and the movies anyway, being a nice guy, and in the movie theater it doesn’t take long for things to work up to the heavy-breathing stage. Still, there she is in her wheelchair, and he’s pretty perplexed about how to take things to the next stage . . . if there’s going to be a next stage.
“Don’t worry,” she whispers in his ear. “Take me to the playground, and I’ll hang from the jungle gym.”
So he does just that, and they manage to have a pretty good time. She gets a little dirty and scratched up in the process though, and he’s somewhat apprehensive when her father comes to the door to let her in. “You see, sir . . . ” he begins, but her father interrupts him with effusive thanks. “Don’t worry about a thing, young man. The last three guys left her hanging there.”
*
Did you hear the one about the queer deaf mute?
Neither did he.
*
What goes, “Marc! Marc!?”
A dog with a harelip.
*
What goes, “Nort! Nort!?”
More Jokes for the BlindA bull with a cleft palate.
This fellow married a virgin and wanted to go to special pains to make sure her sexual inexperience wasn’t to be a cause of any tension or trouble. He explained that he didn’t ever want her to feel pressured into having sex with him, but wanted it to come of her own free will. “In fact, darling,” he said to her tenderly, “I think we should set up a little system in code to make all this as simple as possible. Here’s how it’ll work: when you want to have sex, pull my penis once; when you don’t want to have sex, pull my penis a hundred times.”
*
What did the Pole do before going to the cock fight?
Greased his zipper.
*
What’s the difference between “ooh” and “aah?”
About three inches.
*
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A thirty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
*
Did you hear about the man who couldn’t spell?
He spent the night in a warehouse.
*
Why can’t you circumcise Iranians?
There’s no end to those pricks.
*
One night after their proprietor was asleep, the parts of the body were arguing about which had the toughest job. “I’ve really got it rough,” bemoaned the feet. “He puts me in these smelly sneakers, makes me jog till I’ve got blisters . . . it’s brutal!”
“You got nothing to complain about,” maintained the stomach. “Last night I got nothing but bourbon, pizza, and aspirin. It’s a miracle I kept it together.”
“Oh quit bitching, you two,” moaned the penis. “Every night, I’m telling you, he sticks me in a dark tunnel and makes me do push-ups until I throw up.”
*
There once was a pro football player called Smithers, whose main role was warming the bench. Every game he would put on his pads, smear his cheeks with charcoal, don his helmet and run out onto the field with the rest of the team; but play after play, game after game, season after season went by without Smithers ever being called into action.
One Saturday near the end of the season Smithers was feeling lousy. “Helene,” he asked his longtime girl friend, “I want you to do me a favor. Dress up in my uniform, smear your face, put on my helmet, and sit on the bench for me this game. You know I never play, and nobody’ll ever know.”
Helene required some additional convincing but finally agreed, and sure enough, no one on Smithers’ team gave her the time of day. The first half passed without event; she hung out in the locker room during halftime; the third quarter went by smoothly, and it wasn’t until the last quarter that one man after another started falling to injuries. The bench grew emptier and emptier and finally, in desperation, the coach barked, “Smithers, get in there!”
Rather panicked, Helene went out onto the field, crouched down in the lineup, and was knocked cold within the first three seconds of play. When she came to, the coach was vigorously massaging her pussy. “Don’t worry, Smithers,” he said nervously, “once we get your balls back in place, your cock’ll pop right up.”
*
What’s the definition of conceit?
A mosquito with a hard-on floating down the river on his back shouting, “Open the drawbridge!”
*
An international conference of sexologists was convened to determine once and for all why the penis is shaped the way it is. Each national delegation had done extensive research and was to announce its results.
Said the French spokesman, “We have spent five million francs and can now firmly state zat ze penis is ze shape it is in order to give pleasure to ze woman.”
“I say,” said the British representative, “we’ve spent thirty thousand pounds and are quite sure that the shape is in order to give maximum pleasure to the man.”
“We’ve spent a million bucks,” drawled the American, “and there’s no further doubt about the fact that it’s that shape so your hand doesn’t slip off the end.”
*
What’s the dumbest part of a man?
His prick. (It’s got no brains, its best friends are two nuts, and it lives next door to an asshole.)
*
When Paddy O’Brian died, Father Flannigan was there to console the bereaved widow. “You know, Molly, the whole community is here to help you through this time of sorrow,” he said, “and of course you know I’ll do anything I can for you.”
Parting her veil and drying her tear-stained cheeks, the widow whispered a single request in Father Flannigan’s ear. The priest blushed scarlet and refused outright, but the widow continued her pleas and finally he gave in. He left, saying, “Give me twenty-four hours.”
The next day he showed up at the house with something in a brown paper bag.
The widow popped the contents into a pot on the stove, and it was boiling away when a neighbor dropped by. “I say, Molly,” said the neighbor opening the lid, “isn’t that Paddy’s penis?”
“Indeed it is,” said Molly. “All his life I had to eat it his way, and now I’m eating it mine.”
*
What three two-letter words can best dampen a man’s ardor in bed?
“Is it in?”
*
How can a real man tell when his girlfriend’s having an orgasm?
Real men don’t care.
*
What’s a guy with a 12-inch cock have for breakfast?
Well, this morning I had two eggs over easy, whole wheat toast, and coffee . . . .
*
What has a thousand teeth and eats wienies?
A zipper.
*
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dicktater.
*
Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?
Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
*
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short-term relationships. “Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.
“The only foolproof way,” counseled the therapist, “is by the size of his feet.”
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone out. By the bedside table was a $50 bill and a note that read, “With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”
*