What’s the difference between anxiety and panic?
Anxiety is the first time you can’t do it a second time, and panic is the second time you can’t do it the first time.
*
This 600-pound guy decides he can’t go on living this way, so he seeks the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four months later he’s down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. He’s covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.
He calls up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. “There’s a special surgical procedure to correct this condition,” the doctor assures him. “Just come on over to the clinic.”
“But doctor,” says the one-time fatty, “you don’t understand. I’m too embarrassed to be seen in public like this.”
“Don’t give it another thought,” says the doctor. “Simply pull up all the folds as high as they’ll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put on a top hat, and come on over.”
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse’s desk, dying of self-consciousness.
“The doctor will be right with you,” says the nurse. “Say, what’s that hole in the middle of your forehead?”
“My belly button,” blurts out the guy, “how d’ya like my tie?”
*
Did you hear about the flasher who decided to retire?
Female AnatomyYeah, but he changed his mind and decided to stick it out another year.
What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose?
Darling.
*
What’s the perfect woman?
A deaf, dumb, and blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
*
This well-to-do suburban matron makes an appointment for her annual checkup with a new gynecologist. Following the examination, he ushers her into his office to give her the results. “You’ll be glad to hear that everything is absolutely in order,” he says, leaning forward with a smile. “In fact, you have the cleanest vagina I’ve ever seen.”
“It should be,” she snaps. “I’ve got a colored man coming in twice a week.”
*
A young lady went out on a date with a young man she found quite attractive, so after dinner and the movies she invited him back to her apartment. Sitting him down on her couch with a drink, she proceeded to nibble on his ear, play with his hair, and so on, but the fellow only pulled up his collar and rubbed his hands together for warmth. The young lady pulled out all the stops, sitting on his lap, even directing his hands to appropriate portions of her anatomy. But he took no action whatsoever and violently resisted her efforts to unbutton even a single one of his outer garments.
Finally in desperation, after a particularly passionate kiss had met with no response, she said, “You know, I have a hole down here.”
“Oh,” he said with evident relief, “so that’s where the draft is coming from!”
*
It was late at night, and the tired cabbie was on his last run of the night. Reaching the destination, he said to the little old lady in the back seat, “That’ll be eight bucks, please.”
There was no answer, so thinking her hearing might be at fault, he said loudly, “Lady, the fare is eight bucks.”
Still no response. So he turned around, only to be greeted by the sight of the elderly woman hoisting her skirts and spreading her legs, no underwear impairing his view.
“Well, sonny,” she cackled, “will this be payment enough?”
“Aw, lady,” he sighed, “doncha have anything smaller?”
*
What do you call a JAP’s nipple?
The tip of the iceberg.
*
Why do women like hunters?
Three reasons:
They go deep into the bush.
They always shoot twice.
And they always eat what they shoot.
*
This middle-aged woman decides she’s not getting any younger and that it’s time to spice up her sex life. Since she has always had a crush on the Beatles, she goes to the local tattooist with a very specific request. “I would like John Lennon tattooed on the inside of my right thigh, looking up,” she instructs him, “and Paul McCartney on the left thigh, looking up. Now, are you sure you can handle this?”
The tattooist assures her that he’s the best in the business, and sets to work.
A week or two later, the recuperation period is over. The woman takes off the bandages and goes over to her mirror in great anticipation, only to discover that to her horror the two portraits bear no resemblance at all to Lennon and McCartney. She rushes over to the tattooist’s office in a rage.
“I don’t see what you’re complaining about,” he says soothingly. “I think the likenesses are astonishing. But clearly we need a third, unbiased opinion. So he goes out to the sidewalk and brings back the first person he encounters, a wino still reeling from the night before. Confronting him with the evidence, the tattooist asks the wino, “Now on that right side, does that look like John Lennon?”
“I dunno,” says the wino after a long silence.
“Well, how about the left one?” asks the tattooist. “Is that or is that not the spitting image of Paul McCartney?”
“I dunno,” says the wino after considerable thought. “But that guy in the middle with the beard and the bad breath, that’s gotta be Willie Nelson.”
*
What’s the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for?
Tea bags for vampires.
*
Why does it take women longer to climax?
Who cares?
*
How can you tell if a Polish woman is having her period?
She’s only wearing one sock.
*
What’s the latest disease in Poland?
Toxic Sock Syndrome!
*
Three guys were sitting around in a bar discussing whose wife was the most frigid. Harry was definitely sure he had the worst of it. “Listen, you guys,” he said, “my wife comes to bed with an ice cube in each hand, and in the morning they haven’t begun to melt.”
“That’s nothing,” said Phil. “My wife likes to have a glass of water on the bedside table, but by the time she’s carried it from the bathroom to the bedroom, it’s frozen solid.”
“Aw, hell,” said Herb, “my wife is so frigid that when she spreads her legs, the furnace kicks on.”
*
What’s the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
A magician has cunning feats and stunts.
*
God has just spent six days creating the heavens and the earth, and since it’s the seventh day of rest, He and Gabriel are sitting back and admiring His handiwork.
“You know, God,” says Gabriel, “you have done one hell of a job—excuse my language. Those snowy peaks are unbelievably majestic, and the woods, with those little sunny dells and meadows . . . masterful. Not to mention the oceans: those fantastic coral reefs and all the sea creatures and the waves crashing on the beaches. And all the animals—from fleas to elephants—what a job. Not to mention the heavens; how could I leave them out? What a touch, that Milky Way.”
God beams.
“I just have the smallest suggestion, if you’ll excuse my presumption,” says Gabriel. “You know those sample humans you put down there in the Garden of Eden?”
God nods, a frown furrowing His brow.
“Well,” says Gabriel, “I was just wondering whether, for all the obvious reasons, they shouldn’t have differing sets of genitalia as all the other animals do?”
God reflects on this for a minute, and then a smile crosses His face. “You’re right,” He exclaims. “Give the dumb one a cunt!”
*
When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress is mad at you?
She leaves the string in.
*
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
*
Mrs. Smith was quite embarrassed when little Johnny burst into the shower, pointed at her pubic hair, and asked loudly, “What’s that, Mommy?”
“That’s my sponge, honey,” she explained.
She was even more embarrassed when Johnny burst in a week later, because, to satisfy one of Mr. Smith’s kinkier requests, she had shaved herself. In answer to Johnny’s question, she hastily explained that she had lost her sponge. “It got dirty, honey, and I threw it out the window.”
Johnny was gone for a couple of hours, but came back with a big grin on his face. “I found your sponge, Mommy,” he cried. “I looked in the Browns’ window, and Mrs. Brown was washing Mr. Brown’s face with it!”
*
There was great excitement in the laboratory when the eminent scientist announced a new invention—the apple. That was nothing new, his colleagues pointed out; the apple had been around for a long time.
“Yes, but this apple tastes like pussy,” proudly explained the scientist. “Try it.”
A skeptical fellow took a big bite, only to spit it out all over the floor. “It tastes like shit,” he said disgustedly.
“Indeed,” said the scientist. “Turn it around.”
*
What’s the function of a woman?
Life-support system for a pussy.
*
What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for twats.
*
The elementary school lesson for the day was The Farm. “All right, children,” said the teacher, “who can tell me the name of the big building all the animals sleep in?”
“The barn,” piped up Melissa.
“Very good, Melissa. And who knows the name of the tall, cylindrical building next to the barn that the farmer stores the grain in?”
“The silo,” said Susie.
“Right, Susie. And who knows what the little metal bird up on the roof of the barn is called, class? Mark?”
“That’s . . . uh . . . the weather-thing.”
“Well, you’re right, Mark, it is for telling us something about the weather. But who can tell us what the exact name is, and why?”
“It’s a weathercock,” explained Davey, “because if it were a weather cunt the wind would blow right through it.”
*
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If her ankles swell up when she farts.
*
Why are hockey goaltenders and Polish girls alike?
They both change their pads after three periods.
*
Did you hear about the Italian girl who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass?
*
Cinderella is thrilled about her invitation to the ball, but her feelings soon turn to dismay when she realizes she has nothing but rags to wear. “Don’t worry,” says her fairy godmother, and— Poof— a beautiful gown and sparkling pair of slippers instantly appear. “But there’s a condition,” warns the godmother as Cinderella preens in front of the mirror. “You must be home by midnight or your pussy will turn into a pumpkin.”
The dazzling Cinderella soon captures the heart of the most handsome man at the ball, and they are dancing away rapturously—until Cinderella remembers to look at her watch. “Oh my God,” she gasps. “It’s almost midnight! I must be going.” But the young man runs after her as she makes for the door, begging her to stay and insisting that she at least give him her name so that he can find her again.