“Can you get my flats? These spikes are killing me.”
*
Why did they crucify Jesus instead of stoning him to death?
Because it’s easier to cross yourself than to pound yourself all over. (Note: This joke requires the accompanying gestures.)
*
Late one night the Pope’s most intimate council of senior advisors requests admission to His Holiness’ bedchamber, bearing news of the greatest urgency. They tell him that it has just been revealed by sacred divinations that unless the Pope sleeps with a woman, the Vatican State—indeed all of Catholicism—will come to a sudden and terrible end.
The Pope thinks it over for a few minutes, and then agrees to go ahead with the profane deed. “But,” he says, “I have three stipulations.
“First, she must be blind, so she cannot see where she is being taken.
“Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot speak of what has happened to her.
“And third, she must have big tits.”
*
Why didn’t Jesus get into college?
He got hung up on his boards.
*
“The question for today, boys and girls,” said Sister Mary, “is, ‘What part of the body goes to heaven first?’”
Dirty Eddie was sitting in the front row waving his hand wildly, but since his answers were usually less than satisfactory, Sister Mary refrained from calling on him. “Yes, Veronica?”
“The heart, Sister Mary, because that’s where God’s love touches you.”
“Very good,” said Sister Mary. “Yes, Marilyn?”
“The soul, Sister Mary, because that’s the immortal part of us.”
“Very good, Marilyn,” said Sister Mary, observing with dismay that Dirty Eddie’s hand was still waving. “Yes, Eddie?”
“The feet, Sister, the feet.” “Well, that’s a curious answer, Eddie. Why the feet?”
“Because I’ve seen Ma with her feet up in the air, shouting, ‘I’m coming, God, I’m coming!’”
*
This nice guy dies and goes to heaven, where he is shown to a simple hut, dressed in a plain cotton robe, and offered wine and cheese. He had anticipated something a little fancier but all his needs are cared for, so he settles in happily . . . until, on his daily stroll, he comes across a fellow he had known on earth to be a scoundrel and criminal. This fellow is lounging on a luxurious cloud with a gorgeous blonde, dressed in a sumptuous toga, and is holding a bottle of Chivas Regal.
All upset, the nice guy goes to talk to St. Peter. “Listen, St. Peter, on earth I was a great guy, never hurt anyone, never cheated, never stole, and all I get in heaven is a grass hut and some cheap wine. And there’s this guy who lied to his mother, stole from his brother, and tortured his sister, living in the lap of luxury. It’s not fair!”
“It’s not all it’s cut out to be, my son,” says St. Peter soothingly. “He’s got a bottle of scotch with a hole in it and a beautiful blonde without one.”
*
How do you know Christ wasn’t born in Italy?
They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
*
A white guy and a black guy were having an argument as to whether God was white or black. So they booked a flight to the Holy Land, trekked up Mt. Sinai, and shouted their question up toward the sky as loudly as possible.
“I AM WHAT I AM,” boomed down the earthshaking response.
“You see,” said the white guy, turning around to his friend triumphantly.
“Whaddaya mean?” asked the black guy. “What does that prove?”
“Listen, if He were black, He would have said, ‘I is what I is.’”
*
This Irish lawyer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates at the same time as the Pope. The Pope is assigned to a hovel and given a dry crust of bread, while the lawyer is ushered into a huge mansion where a staff of servants is placed at his disposal.
“What’s the story?” the Pope angrily demands of St. Peter. “I was the head of the whole Catholic church and I’m stuck in a hovel, and you give this lawyer the run of the place . . .”
“Well, your Holiness,” gently explained St. Peter, “we have literally hundreds of popes here in heaven, but we’ve never had an Irish lawyer before.”
*
Moses and Jesus are out fishing on the Sea of Galilee and the conversation comes around to miracles. “I’d sure like to perform one,” says Moses, “but I’m a bit out of shape—it’s been 4,000 years since my last one.” Jesus urges him on, so Moses goes up to the bow of the boat, raises both arms out above the waters, and commands them to part. With a great roar, the sea parts to reveal a seabed dry as a bone, then comes together again at Moses’ second command. “Not bad, eh?” says Moses, settling back down in the stern. “Think you can match that?”
“No problem,” says Jesus. “After all it’s only been 2,000 years since this last trick.” He jumps nimbly up onto the gunwale of the boat and steps gracefully out onto the water—only to sink like a stone. Moses hauls him aboard, choking and sputtering, and Jesus insists on trying again, but with the same ignominious result.
With considerable difficulty Moses gets Jesus aboard the second time, and can barely keep from laughing at the dejected heap on the bottom of the boat. “I don’t know what it could be,” says Jesus sadly, “except the first time around I didn’t have these holes in my feet . . .”
*
A naive young priest is moved to a parish in a bad neighborhood and is quite bewildered by the legion of hookers who are constantly approaching him to whisper, “Five bucks for a blow job, buddy.”
Finally he can stand being in ignorance no longer, and approaches one of the nuns in the parish. “Excuse my presumption, Sister,” says the young priest, “but could you please tell me what a blow job is?”
“Five bucks, just like anywhere else,” she replies.
*
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead, then asks the Cardinal, “Can you think of a four-letter word for ‘woman’ that ends in ‘u-n-t?’”
“Aunt,” replies the Cardinal.
“Say, thanks,” says the Pope. “You got an eraser?”
*
Mother Theresa comes to New York and is greeted by a welcoming committee, who want to know what in New York she is particularly interested in seeing. “Well, to tell the truth,” she says modestly, “I have always wanted to see St. Patrick’s Cathedral.”
“No problem,” assures the head of the committee. “Not only will you see it, we’ll clear everyone out and you’ll have the whole church to yourself.”
At the appointed hour Mother Theresa shows up at the church, where she is ushered in by a respectful prelate and left in solitude. It’s only a matter of minutes before God’s voice booms down from heaven. “Mother Theresa, you have been an exemplary member of the church all your life, a model for millions. Is there anything, anything at all, that I can do for you while you’re here?”
“Actually, yes, there is, God,” says Mother Theresa. “I’ve always wanted to direct.”
*
God gets the word up in heaven that the U.S.A. is a pretty depraved place. Not having the time to spare Himself, He sends Mother Theresa down to earth as His delegate. Her instructions are to visit each of the metropolitan centers and to report back to heaven on what she finds.
The first report isn’t long in coming. New York, Mother Theresa writes, is filled with unimaginable sin and violence and she is leaving immediately. Boston is no better, however, being full of child molesters, and the cities of the South are no better either, with heavy drinkers and sex offenders everywhere. Mother Theresa’s next stop is Chicago, but she can’t stand the depravity there for more than a few days, and she hops on a plane to Los Angeles.
No word for three weeks. God finally gets concerned, and He gets her number from Information and calls her up. “Terri here,” comes on a mellow voice. “I’m not home right now, but if you’d like to share your thoughts . . .”
*
New slogan: Save Soviet Jewry—Win Valuable Prizes.
What did Grace Kelly have that Natalie Wood could’ve used?
A good stroke.
*
Did you hear the new national anthem of Monaco?
“She’ll Be Comin’ ’Round the Mountain When She Comes . . .”
*
Did you hear Prince Rainier finally got some good news?
The car is covered by insurance.
*
Did you know that Princess Grace was on the radio?
And on the dashboard and on the steering wheel...
*
What would Princess Grace be doing if she were alive today?
Scratching at the inside of her coffin.
*
Did you hear about the new Vic Morrow movie?
Blade Runner II. It’s being made in two parts.
*
One day in heaven John Lennon was sitting around looking pretty blue. Luckily Steve McQueen was on the next cloud over, and he came by and asked Lennon how come he was so down-in-the-mouth.
“Oh, I miss Yoko and Sean and my fans, I guess,” said Lennon. “It’s just not as much fun being dead as it was being alive.”
“Well cheer up,” said McQueen, “I’m having a party.”
So Lennon was looking pretty cheerful when Bob Marley drifted by a few hours later. “What’s happening, mon?” he asked. “Why you look so cheerful?”
“Steve McQueen’s having a party and I’m invited,” explained Lennon happily, only to have his face fall when Marley told him the party had been cancelled. “How come?” he asked dejectedly.
“Bobby Sands came early,” explained Marley, “and he ate all the food.”*
*Please keep in mind the gruesome deaths of all of these people. Bobby Sands was an Irish hunger striker, remember?
*
How did they know Vic Morrow had dandruff?
They found his head and shoulders in the bushes.
*
Who taught Grace Kelly to drive?
Ted Kennedy.
*
What kind of wood doesn’t float?
Natalie Wood.
*
Why doesn’t Natalie shower on the boat?
She prefers to wash up on shore.
*
What’s blue and sings alone?
Dan Ackroyd.
*
What’s the difference between a moose and Guy Lombardo’s orchestra?
With a moose, the horns are in front and the asshole’s in the rear.
*
Did you hear Grace Kelly and Patricia Neal were to have made a movie together?
Called Different Strokes.
*
Did you know Vic Morrow’s been made an honorary member of the Rotary Club?
*
You know what’s next door to the Joan Crawford Daycare Center in Hollywood?
AnimalsThe Grace Kelly Driving School. (Also the store where they sell Natalie Wood Water Wings and the William Holden Drinking Helmet.)
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.